A Man’s Job in the Bedroom

What is a man’s responsibility to a female partner?

The very first time I did not experience an orgasm during a sexual encounter, I was incredibly disappointed. I’d been warned by other women in my life not to expect orgasms during sex (which I now think is a ridiculously low bar to set), but I’d never had trouble achieving orgasms on my own, and was pretty reliably able to climax with my first partner.

It wasn’t his skill, per se, and it certainly wasn’t mine. I was shy, ashamed, and uncommunicative, but I at least knew the kind of stimulation I needed to get off and was able to adjust my body in ways that helped me get to orgasm.

I felt secure that if I wanted an orgasm, I’d always be able to have one with my boyfriend, not taking into account the fact that sometimes, a guy might come before his partner, despite his best efforts to hold off.

The first time this happened, I was about two or three minutes from my own orgasm, and so jacked up I thought the top of my head was going to come off.

I was too shy to ask him to orally or manually attend to me, and all I could think to do was ask if he might be willing to go again in a little while. I was shocked when his response was to call me demanding. Then he got dressed and went home, slamming my front door behind him.

Years later, I realized he had probably felt ashamed that he hadn’t “done his job.” After experiences with other partners, I learned that many men grow up with the expectation that they need to serve their lady an orgasm in the bedroom.

I found this fascinating because I never expected a man to “give” me an orgasm. I never looked at a man as being responsible for that. I think most women are taught what I was taught — to keep the bar low and not expect to climax. Our feminine duty, we learn, is to be there for a man’s pleasure, do our best to achieve our own, but be pleasant and gracious if he can orgasm and we cannot.

And yet I’ve found that so many men are taught something very different. They are saddled with this intimidating expectation to give a woman an orgasm during every sexual encounter. And since women are rarely taught to speak up for their own pleasure or actively participate in it, the male partner has the additional pressure of trying to figure all this out with inadequate levels of information and guidance.

I mean, really… Is this a recipe for terrible sex, or what?

I’d like to suggest a more reasonable set of expectations. If someone asked me what I think a man’s job in the bedroom is, here’s what I’d say:

Accept her as she is

So many women come to the bedroom imprisoned with shame — shame about their bodies, shame about their needs, and shame about their sexuality. From our youth, we are fed ideas that we smell bad, we’re not lovable unless we weigh a certain number, we have to be feminine yet strong, we shouldn’t ask for what we want, expressing sexual desire is inappropriate… I could go on, but you get the point.

Make no mistake about it — this shame will prevent both of you from having the kind of sexual experience you probably want to have. Sure, you might come, whether she does or not, whether she can get past her cultural programing or not, but wouldn’t you rather have a sexual experience in which your partner loses her inhibitions and can feel free to just go wild?

When I first started dating my last partner at the age of 31, I had never experienced oral sex. I had been far too ashamed to ask for it with previous partners and they had shown no interest in it, which only reinforced my fear that I smelled and tasted bad down there.

But one night, my new partner and I were undressing one another and once he got my panties off, he lowered his head between my legs and took in a long, deep, audible breath.

I couldn’t believe it. He seemed to take so much pleasure in that action that I was overwhelmed with passion. I reached down for him, grabbed him by the face, stuck my tongue in his mouth, and if memory serves me, we couldn’t even wait the extra 45 seconds it would take to put on a condom. I had never felt so accepted and it made for a night I still remember.

My partner at the time, with the simple act of smelling me between my legs, unlocked an anvil I had been dragging around for over a decade. Just like that, it was gone.

You can give that same gift to your partner (which will rebound nicely back to you in the form of less inhibited sex) by showing her and telling her how much you appreciate her body and sexuality.

Tell her how beautiful her body is. Pick out things you like about it — or things you like to do to certain parts of it — and tell her often.

Keep reminding her of how good she smells and tastes. Really go to town on her when she’s ovulating and let her know how absolutely drunk you get off her scent, how much you love tasting her. And for heaven’s sake, don’t ignore her during her period like my exes did. Find a way to engage that works for both of you and makes her feel accepted and desired.

Every reassurance you give her will help her open up more and feel more comfortable in her body, which will, of course, lead to more satisfying sex.

Talk to her

Though I believe our orgasms are ultimately our own responsibilities, I think there’s no point in having sex with other people if we aren’t interested in taking part in their pleasure. Why bother if we aren’t as invested in their orgasm as we are in our own?

In order to do that, we have to talk to one another.

This is tricky because no one wants to hear “Do you like that?” every five seconds. But I think establishing open communication before engaging in sex is vitally important to everyone involved.

Before we had sex, my former partner told me he was scared he wouldn’t be able to last long enough to please me. (There’s that masculine “obligation” to make a woman come…) I asked him not to worry and assured him that it was okay if he came first. Then I told him the ways I liked to be touched. I asked if we could be really open with one another during sex and let each other know if we did or didn’t like something and make it a safe zone in which we could speak freely.

When we became physically intimate, he took the time to ask me questions and experiment with different types of touch. It really helped me to know — and to see in action — that he was invested in listening to me and letting me guide him (when I was brave enough to do so).

People used to make fun of me when I told them about my sex life and how much my partner and I talked through things in such minute detail. But I’ve also been told by many friends that my extremely fulfilling sex life was not typical. If that’s so, I credit our commitment to talking very openly about sex.

Don’t time her path to orgasm

Just in case you don’t know this, the timing of her orgasm is not necessarily correlated to your performance as a lover. I mean sure, you might be that guy who emulates what you see in porn, poking and jackrabbiting her even when she asks you to slow down. But if you’re reading this, that’s probably not the case.

Female orgasms can be like wild rabbits — skittish and unpredictable. Especially when we’re with a lover.

Your partner might come in five minutes when she’s ovulating (and then come again and again and again just during your usual routine), and another night, she might not be able to hit it for twenty or thirty minutes, even when you pull out your best moves.

Again, assuming you are listening and responding to her, this isn’t your fault. At some times in the menstrual cycle, it can be harder to get off. She might be distracted by a work deadline, your daughter’s report card, the fact that she forgot to fill up the gas tank, the dog’s expired vaccinations. She might be feeling especially insecure about her body. Maybe she’s under the weather.

The worst thing you can do in this situation is to make her feel like she’s taking too long. Don’t ask her if she’s close, or how much longer she thinks it’ll take. Asking those questions will assure a longer delay.

If the mood is right, ask her, in a titillating voice (as if you’re asking her to share her dirtiest fantasy with you), what you could do to her that would make her go crazy. Encourage her to think of something especially scandalous, whether it’s something you’ve done before or not. Even just thinking about it might help her reach orgasm.

And if you’re going to come and you can’t hold off another second, just do it. Hopefully, you’ve already established that if you come first, the sexual experience isn’t over — it shouldn’t be over until you both decide it’s over (which doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with orgasms).

I can assure you that it can be very distracting for a woman when she is taking longer than usual to come and she knows her partner is gritting his teeth trying to keep it together for her. The pressure of that knowledge can keep that elusive orgasm just out of reach.

When this happened with my last partner, it wasn’t a big deal to either of us. We established early on in the relationship that I had no expectation for him to withhold his pleasure until I got mine every single time. I think that made him feel less pressure, and therefore, I felt less, too.

He never failed to give me attention afterwards if he came first, and most of the time, I would be able to reach orgasm within minutes, no longer worried that I was “taking too long.”

Encourage her to let go

One of the hottest things you can do is be a champion for the pursuit and realization of her sexual pleasure. Remember that our culture has always supported the pursuit and realization of male sexual pleasure, but has not done a very good job of that for female sexual pleasure. It is incredibly helpful to have men in our lives who will support us in this way.

I think a lot of men want this — to be with a woman who can totally let loose in the bedroom and pursue and experience shameless pleasure. It’s unbelievably hot, right?

Help her out with this by telling her how much you want to hear her ask for what she wants and needs. Tell her you love to watch her move in ways that make her feel good. Tell her you love the sounds she makes. Tell her you want to see her completely undone, both by her own efforts and by yours.

When I was about to orgasm, my last partner would sometimes grab my face, arms, or hips and growl, “I want you to come for me.”

I found this so incredibly hot, it almost always pushed me into climax. I loved the way he made it sound like I was in control of my orgasm and that it was a gift to him. His words told me that my surrender to that pleasure was his greatest desire in that moment.

Let her know how much her pleasure gives you pleasure. Encourage her to drop all her inhibitions in the moment she really needs to hear it. Tell her to let herself go, completely. Tell her you love it; you love her wildness; you love her pleasure. Tell her how much it gets you off to see your feral little wolf lose control of herself.

So no, I don’t think a woman’s orgasm is a man’s responsibility. Nor is a man’s orgasm a woman’s responsibility.

Yet, I think that engaging in sexual activity asks us to care about — and sometimes even prioritize — another person’s pleasure. Sex with others is about cooperation and giving.

I saw the pressure to provide me with an orgasm create too many toxic situations with past partners. Not being able to achieve that creates shame where there should be none. And that shame turns into anger, aggression, anxiety, and all sorts of other emotions that diminish the enjoyment of sex and damage emotional intimacy.

What if we stopped trying to make each other come and started to come for each other, instead?

© Yael Wolfe 2019

Thanks to T.D. for inspiring this topic.