SATIRE-IFIC PRODUCTS
How to Take Care of Those Unwanted Bionic Growths
What? Me worry?
I was going through old advertising pitches and dug up a couple of doozies that I thought were pretty good. But the ad agents in my head — they made Don Draper cry into his Canadian Cub, neat — had the final say. The ads were relegated to the trash heap.
Has any of this happened to you?
You wake up to find out your leg had been replaced with a mechanical one?
Your AI has conspired with the toaster, and now people at work call you Tommy Tommy Toaster Butt.
You are at the checkout counter at the local Kwik-E-Mart and your mechanical finger falls off onto the counter — and it’s obvious because it didn’t just hit the counter, it clanged off your two oversized energy drinks and onto the clerk’s shoe.
If any of these or something similar has happened to you —
Try Skynet Antibionic Ointment!¹ Now FDA approved!²
Skynet Antibiotic Ointment is proven to remove those unwanted and surprise pieces of machinery.
Just rub a small amount onto the affected area and wait.³ Within 3 to 2,329 hours no more unwanted or surprise machinery.
The next time you are in the bathroom and drop more than a deuce, get Skynet Antibionic Ointment.
¹Now in Extra Strength.
²Almost — we’re on the waiting list.
³For topical use only.⁴ If you feel you have somehow ingested nano-bots, DO NOT ingest Skynet Antibionic Ointment. Skynet Antibionic Ointment is NOT to be used in the event of a robot uprising.⁵
⁴Not for use on actual machinery.
⁵The Federal government requires you to report any unwanted or “surprise” pieces of machinery to help prevent a robot uprising.⁶
⁶Have you not seen the Terminator movies? James Cameron didn’t time travel and then make those movies for his own health!
Are you so hungry you could eat a horse?¹
Are you so tired you could sleep for a year?
Have you told someone something a million times?
Was that book you just read the longest one ever?
If you have experienced one or more of these, you probably have a hyperbolic acid build-up.
Try A.E. Neuman Hyperbolic Acid Reducer.
A.E. Neuman Hyperbolic Acid Reducer understands that your problem is just the worst and we want to help.
The next time you are inconvenienced by nasty hyperboles, get A.E. Neuman Hyperbolic Acid and apply it to your mouth.² A.E. Neuman Hyperbolic Acid Reducer will seal your mouth shut and you can say goodbye to those nasty hyperboles³.
¹Do not actually eat a horse. ²Okay. Don’t put this in your mouth. ³ It’s actually glue.
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