Marriage Humor

How To Spice Up Your Marriage If You’re Old As F*ck

Put down the knitting and pick up the whip

**“This church is bloody miles away”** — Photo: Modern Wedding

Isn’t marriage wonderful?

I don’t know, I’m not married.

But Ginger Cook says it’s good. Well, to start off with it is, then you get old and you’re convinced your bed is shrinking.

Do You Use Your Bed for Sex, or are You Almost 40?

I thought I would be hitting meat like a 20-year-old forever

ginger-cook.medium.com

So…does holy matrimony always start off well and then go bad like the lettuce I forgot I had in my fridge?

Never fear — I’m here to tell you that you can add more spice to your marriage than a sexy stripper eating a vindaloo — now that’s pretty damn spicy!

Follow these tips and you’ll be renewing your vows in Vegas faster than you can say:

“Why did we invite this stripper along to curry night?”

Pet Names

**“I told you I’ll put the trash out in a minute!”** — Photo: Bombadillo Kittens

If you want your marriage to go the distance you’re going to have to prove that you actually like your other half— even if you hate each other’s guts.

Here are a few ideas you can try out on each other to let them know how much you care:

Sugar Plum
Honey Pie
Big Dick
General Genitals
Colonel Clitoris
Madam Huge Jugs
Rachel Slur
Rachel Prejudice

Use these and save your dying marriage.

You’re welcome.

Bunk Beds

**If this isn’t true love then I don’t know what is** — Photo: Reinforced Beds

Ginger states in her article that she wants a sex swing from the ceiling because 5 years on she hates her bed and husband. Time for a divorce? Maybe so.

But Ginger — have you ever thought of getting bunk beds?

That’s right guys, putting yourself on top of your partner with a bed between you is the perfect way to rediscover that withering flame.

Bunk beds are good for so many things in a marriage:

Staying up late and having slumber parties with your other half.
Telling each other spooky ghost stories.
Having a sex swing each to play on.
Having pillow fights.
Talking about the boy you like at work — bit worrying if your straight husband talks about this one though.

So, what are you waiting for? Grab your spouse and get bunk bed hunting as soon as you can!

Dirty Talk

**“Will you hold this box for me whilst I do my shoelace?**” — Photo: Angara

Being intimate with your partner is an absolute must. You cannot lose the magic. Once it’s gone it’s a b*tch to get back.

Luckily for you guys I’m known as Dr. Intimacy on the streets of England. This is because of my past days spent as a sleazy porn performer.

Anyway…get ready for some verbal filth to get you in the mood to slap your respective meats together:

“I want to caress your anatomy”
“Let’s do it by that bus full of nuns”
“I saw this video of two pigeons using a sex position that we could try”
“Pour this tomato ketchup all over me and call me ‘ a saucy mama’ ”
“Stop talking about Margaret at work and kiss me”
“Let’s make love…right after that squirrel outside stops staring at us”

I’m getting all hot and flustered reading that.

Time for a cold shower.

Get Rid of the Kid

**“Okay honey, let’s make a run for it when they’re not looking”** — Photo: John-Mark Smith on Unsplash

Right, first things first — that family in the pic above really love denim.

Secondly, kids are a bloody nightmare for marriage — and in general.

My advice is…if you don’t have any then you’re doing great and you can focus on building your bunk beds with your spouse.

These little people are the evil minions deriving pleasure from kicking the backs of our seats on a plane.

Stay safe, wear protection, and get rid of any children you have at the moment.

Here’s how:

Leave them with their auntie and uncle until they’re old enough to go to Hogwarts.
Disguise them as cows and leave them in a field so they can be with their own kind.
Force them to wear matching denim jackets until they leave of their own accord.
Tell your kids that you write about how much you earn a month on Medium so they’ll resent you and leave.

If you really want something to look after — get a goldfish or a stick insect. That’s pretty much the same as a child.

Activities

**“Who the f*ck is this guy behind me?”** — Photo: Happily Blended

Keeping things interesting isn’t just limited to the bedroom. Spending weekends together are a great way to rediscover the magic.

Or you could end up hating your partner — 50/50 really.

But what couples' activities can help spruce up a dying partnership?

Yep, there’s another list inbound:

Go on a unicycle ride together.
Book a table at McDonalds and share a McFlurry.
Start a joint bank account and get matching credit cards.
Fight each other at your local Dojo.
Judge people’s Medium articles together.
Go to an erotic pottery class and make each other clay penises.
Listen to a Drake album and cry about your exes together.

Your marriage is well and truly back on track now.

I do love helping people.

Now read this article slowly and give me money.

Till Death Do Us Part

**“Don’t worry son, he was a d*ck”** — Photo: Shutterstock.com

But what can we take away about saving a marriage?

Call each other cute pet names like General Genitals.
Have regular pillow fights from the comfort of your bunk beds.
Say erotic stuff to each other as you do it by a bus load of nuns.
Send any unwanted kids to Hogwarts.
Go on a unicycle ride with your loved one to save your feelings for one another.

Powerful lessons indeed.

Now go ahead and save that marriage guys.

But if these tips somehow don’t work for whatever reason, I’ve been looking to buy a bunk bed with someone for a while now, ladies.

I expect you to put forward most of the payment though — I’ve just forked out loads on an erotic pottery class.

Summarize