Top Tips For Having Sexy Time If You’re Over 50

Light the scented candles and complain about the weather

Did you just turn 50 and are now sitting around, depressed, believing that your life is almost over?

Well first, happy birthday!

50 is quite old, to be fair. You don’t have much longer until the ol’ chop.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t still get ya freak on!

Having rumpy-pumpy over the age of 50 is a beautiful thing. Don’t just take the word of a 26 year old writer who likes talking about sex over 50 — try it.

However, just like randy teenagers at a barn dance, you should be aware of the risks of making sweet sweet luuuuurrrrrrvvv baby (Barry White voice).

With this in mind, it’s important for all you horny people having a midlife crisis to understand the risks.

Protection

Think you’re too old and decrepit to need protection in the theatre of sexy smooshing? Think again!

Protection is always important, maybe more so once you hit your 50s.”

I’ve listed some things to be wary of when you get into the zone.

Please read carefully as I get paid more if you do.

Tips to protect yourself in the bedroom in your 50s:

• Put superglue on your junk so it doesn’t fall off.
• Wear a jacket so you don’t get cold
• Wear protective goggles and oven mittens to protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases.
• Wear a hearing aid so you can hear the microwave ping so you know when the leftover lasagna's ready for afterwards.
• Have a safe word/phrase to shout out in case you hear one of your kids on their way to your room. I’ve listed some examples below:

“Black Hawk Down!”

“The little shit’s coming!”

“Brexit!”

“This is the best game of scrabble I’ve ever played”

“Don’t come in! We’re planning your murder.”

Set The Mood

It’s so important to set the mood for your middle-aged sexy shenanigans.

But what makes a great atmosphere in the bedroom for some intense scrabble?

Here’s what I recommend for a great sexy vibe in the lovemaking arena:

• Loads of lovely romantic candles with fire hazard notices attached to them — can’t forget about protection.
• Get the thermostat set to a sexy temperature. Nice and steamy.
• Play romantic songs from the author approved playlist. You can find this below:

The Adam Robinson sexy time playlist for the over 50s.

• Fly Me To The Moon — Frank Sinatra
• Copacabana — Barry Manilow
• Surfin’ U.S.A — The Beach Boys
• Never Gonna Give You Up — Rick Astley
• Macarena — Los Del Rio

Thank me later — you randy things!

Communication

The secret to a happy sex life in your 50s is complimenting your partner whenever they’re not pissing you off.

• Tell them they look nice today.
• Tell them they don’t smell like sh*t today.
• Let them know not all of their teeth have fallen out yet.
• Congratulate them when you find hairs that aren’t grey.

Another important element of communication is saying what stuff you like in the bedroom now that you’re getting on a bit.

You should let your partner know if you want to try new things.

I’ve jotted a few ideas down for over 50s couples to try:

• Role play collecting your pension together.
• Dye your hair black to pretend you’re still youthful.
• Talk to your partner about the leftover lasagna so you can both look forward to it afterwards.

Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?

Unless that dog turns out to be a rabbit and that pet salesman down the pub ripped you off.

Smile For The Camera

If you’re serious about having hanky panky at the grand old age of 50 and above, then you may need a refresher course.

Whenever middle-agers approach me in the street asking for sex advice, I give them these three golden rules:

• “Improve your form by watching your footage back with your partner. Dinner time is best for me. Or when Embarrassing Bodies is on TV”
• “When the camera’s on a roll, make sure you get it in the right hole”
• “Why are you asking me about sex in the street? I’ll call the cops if you don’t leave me alone”.

Sex Face

Another important note for you guys is that the camera is going to see your sex face, so make sure it’s a good one!

If you’re unsure of what makes a good sex face then I’ve provided some examples below:

1. The “I’ve had awful sex and he just said he loves me” sex face.

2. The “I’m unstable but I’ve had a great time with you” sex face

3. The “I thought this sex was okay but I’m going to act like it was amazing” sex face

Over The Hill

Wow, I don’t know about you but I certainly can’t wait to hit my 50s now!

There’s so much to look forward to!

• The grey hairs
• The Barry Manilow sex playlists
• The old age sex tapes
• The protective goggles and mittens to stop pesky STDs

I hope you enjoyed guys.

If you’d like any further advice or tips for sex in your 50s, please do get in touch.

But not in the street.

Honestly I can’t even go to the shops anymore without being stopped by randy middle-aged people.

Happy shagging my ageing friends!