Melon Magnificence
5 Reasons Why We All Love Boobs
A perfect discussion for a feminist coffee morning
People often ask me:
“Adam, why do you love boobs so much?”
I always reply with:
“I think I need to stop wearing that ‘Hi I’m Adam, and I love boobs!’ T-shirt.”
Of course, it’s 2022. We should now refer to them as “Melons”.
I have been instructed by the medical professionals at Doctor Funny to write about Melons so that is what I shall do.
I’ve jotted down the five most important reasons why we all love these magical things that God created all those years ago.
Probably when he was home alone in the house.
5. They’re Aesthetically Pleasing
Is there a greater sight on this planet than seeing boobs?
These beautiful bits of anatomy can cheer you up no matter what you’re going through. If times are hard, have a look at some melons.
“Surely all my problems can’t be solved by tits?”
I hear your cry dear reader. But I’m telling you that they really can improve your life.
They bring benefits such as:
- Improved concentration.
- A greater appreciation for all the types of boobs out there.
- A sense of wonder and enlightenment.
Who needs to see a beautiful painting or a lovely meadow when we have internet pics of massive jugs?
4. They’re Practical
These bits of skin on a lady’s (and a fat guy’s) chest are very practical indeed.
“But what use do boobies have though?”
Oh, I am so glad you asked!
- Airbags can open beer bottles — I saw it on YouTube so it must be possible!
- Breasts with nipples can be used to hold things such as crisps, beer, hand luggage, and cheese.
- Nipples with breasts can be used as flapping wings to fly away from trouble when weird people hit on you in bars.
With practical tools for your excess skin bits at your disposal, you’ll always have a safe place to put your cheese.
3. Their Name
There are lots of great names that people use every single day to describe the two saggy celebratory temples that women have on their bodies.
Boobs can be referred to by many different names. I’ve listed my favourite few below:
- Boobs
- Boobies
- Titulars
- Titty Bo-Jangles
- Jeff
- Sacks of Joy
- Linda
- Milk Missiles
- Barack Oboobmas
So the next time someone says you have nice Barack Oboobmas, make sure to put away your mace spray and thank them for a lovely compliment.
2. Magical Milk
A great perk of breasts is that they are very similar to cows.
That’s right, they eat grass and make noises when people on walking holidays stroll past their patch.
Only kidding — your lumps of lovin’ produce milky goodness just like people on walking holidays…I mean cows.
Damn, I’ve confused myself now.
“But why do we need milk from our joyful jiggling chest airbags, Adam?”
Again, I am so, so, glad you asked.
- If you’re out at Starbucks and the barista doesn’t put enough milk in you can always top yourself up from your own supply.
- You can use your milk to make cheese. You’ll always be invited to picnics because of this.
- You will gain the trust and wisdom of any cow you meet in the world. You will have loads in common telling your respective tales of milky magnificence.
Happy milking, guys (thank god I remembered the comma).
1. Eye Like Boobies
Have you ever noticed that boobies look like they’re keeping watch?
They are making sure we’re protected from harm by spectating us — just like a protective parent or a predatory stalker.
To add to this analogy, bras are like glasses for boobs to help support them — just like prescription lenses do for our eyes.
I have no idea what I’m saying anymore.
A Tittyful Tale
I remember my English teacher telling me at school
“Adam. One day you’ll write a story about boobs and make me proud.”
I’ve done it, Sir. I hope I’ve made you proud.
That teacher actually got fired a few days later — I have no idea why.
Anyway, I hope you guys have enjoyed this factually correct, mentally stimulating look at why tits are so great.
I wish I had them myself. Just so I could stare at them all day.
Who couldn’t love them with facts like these:
- Boobs have magical milk you can have on the go.
- They look like a pair of watchful eyes.
- They can be used as wings to fly away from danger.
A special mention to Doctor Funny who inspired this spellbinding tale about “melons”.
I really hope they weren’t being literal about melons though.
I’ve really misunderstood the assignment if they were…
If you’re now in the mood for boobs and over the age of 50, I have another perfect article for you:
