How to Seduce Your Lady with Scandalously Filthy Sexting

My last partner and I were apart a lot during the first year of our relationship. As such, we learned how to get by with phone calls and text messages.

In those really early days, he was working the night shift, I was on the day shift, and we weren’t yet living together, so we were lucky to get one night a week in each other’s presence. I remember waking up at five each morning and finding a sweet message waiting for me on my phone that he had left just before going to bed for the day.

One morning, I was shocked to find a naked picture of him on my screen, featuring a certain enticing indicator that he was extremely aroused. The message read:

I have been thinking about you all night. I was so hard, I thought my dick was going to break through my zipper. I wish you were here now because what I’m about to do isn’t going to be anywhere near as satisfying as what you would do to me. But I at least wanted you to know that this is what happened to me the moment I thought of you. As you can see…I can’t wait to be with you on Friday.

As you can imagine, I got pretty hard, too, and hated him just a little because I didn’t have time to take care of myself before work. As such, I walked around swollen, throbbing, and wet all day long.

And I loved it.

After that, we made a regular habit of sending each other the filthiest texts we could come up with.

I’m happy to pass on what I learned from the experience to my faithful readers.

But before we begin this scandalous tutorial, let’s talk etiquette. If you’re at home during the day, then you probably don’t need to worry about this. But if you’re at work and there’s any danger of your partner sexting you, you need to think ahead.

1. Turn your phone to silent or vibrate. If you leave your phone on a desk or other hard surface and you’re in the process of some steamy back-and-forths, you don’t want that phone making a loud, rattling sound every time your partner responds. You’re gonna get some withering looks from co-workers, or someone is going to ask you to leave the board meeting.

2. Keep your phone facing downward. You don’t want the screen showing when your wife sends you a photo of her vulva with the accompanying message: I can’t wait to give this to you tonight while your boss is standing there asking for a quick update on your latest project.

Now, my perverted little Padawans, let’s begin.

The Quickie

There is almost never a bad time for a quickie sext. It takes little time and just a smidgen of imagination. Just think of what you did last night and tell her that you’re remembering it. Think about what you want to do tonight and tease her a little. Or share a quick fantasy.

• I loved that position we tried last night. I felt like I was so deep in you.
• You know that sound you make when you come? I can’t stop thinking about it.
• Tonight, I want to put you on all fours, take you by the hair, put my other hand on your hip, and…
• You know that fantasy you have about having sex in public? What if we go to the movies this weekend and you wear that short skirt I love. Maybe we’ll find a dark corner in the back of the theater and I’ll slide my hand up your thigh and…

This is especially fun if you slip this in with a text about what’s for dinner or when you’re asking for an update about the dog’s vet appointment. Hit the mundane first — that’ll make your kinky follow-up all the more sizzling.

Also, if you actually have time for a real quickie during the day, sending her a few of these teasing texts will get her wet and ready before you even get together, which will make for a way more satisfying experience.

The Play-by-Play

If you really want to get her excited for a night rolling across the mattress, tell her exactly what you’re going to do to her in graphic detail. Except only give her a few tidbits throughout the day.

9:00AM — I was just thinking about last night, when you were lying against the pillows, smiling up at me… You remember what we did after that? I was thinking we could do it again tonight, except this time, I want to…

10:05AM — …pull the top of your nightgown down and slide my lips over your nipple. I know how much you like that. I want to pull it and tug it and make it pink and swollen, and then I’m going to slide my fingers down…

10:55AM — …your stomach, down between your legs, down, down, down until I feel how wet you are. I’m going to slide my finger inside you and then I’m going to pull it out and lick it before I kneel down between your legs and…

You get the picture, right? Make her hang on your every word and believe me, when you get home, no one is going to care about dinner or the dog’s damn vet appointment. You’ll be too busy ripping each other’s clothes off as soon as you step through the door.

The Classic

This is a little like The Quickie, but with even less imagination. If you are seriously pressed for time and don’t have a creative thought left in you, you can still send your lady a shot of sexual energy and appreciation with a super quick classic sext, like:

• I can’t wait to get you in bed.
• I love fucking you.
• You make me so hard every time I think of you.
• What I wouldn’t give to be inside you right now.

And of course, a nice dick pic can be fun in the right circumstances.

The Long Game

You’re gonna need time and creativity for this one. This is full-on, long-term, committed foreplay for all you marathon runners out there.

Think of this as an interactive treasure hunt. Where can you lead your partner?

I love that skirt you were wearing this morning. You know I think it’s so sexy on you.

Wait for her to respond, then keep nudging her:

I need you to do something for me.

Nope, don’t tell her yet. Wait for her to ask what you want.

Go into the bathroom and take off your panties. Then send me a picture to show me you did it.

Ladies, remember — phones on silent! You don’t want your phone’s camera to be making shutter sounds while you’re in a bathroom stall at work. And please, for the love of all that is good and holy, if your man is making this effort for you, don’t just send him a selfie of you holding your panties. No, no, no. Put your foot up on the toilet paper dispenser, inch up your skirt, and give him the tiniest, most teasing peek of what’s under (or rather, not under) your skirt.

Guys, back to you. Don’t tell her how she’s got you all worked up yet. Wait.

Now I want you to put the panties in your purse.

Wait for her to respond. (Hopefully, by now, she’ll be begging for your next instruction. If she’s not, tell her to email me. I’ll set her straight.)

Imagine me bending you over your desk right now. I’m inching up your skirt with my fingers. I’m unzipping my pants. I want you to think about this for the rest of the day. I want you to get so turned on and wet that you drip onto the insides of your thighs. And when you get home, I’m going to sit you on the edge of the bed, open your legs, and lick it all off.

Make sure to keep checking in with her throughout the day…and keep the filth factor high. You want her to remain crazy turned on. For instance, an hour later, say:

Ask me what it did to me to see that photo of you.

Wait for her response.

My fly almost ripped open. Now ask me how hard I am right now.

Again, wait.

I am in throbbing pain. I’m pressing so hard against my pants, I’m going to have the imprint of my zipper on my dick. I’m not going to be able to control myself when I see you tonight.

And so on…

Got it? Try different scenarios. Ask her to do naughty things and send you photographic or video evidence (removing underwear, sticking a finger inside herself and licking it, touching herself, etc.). Keep up a series of requests and instructions. Control the situation.

Conversely, find ways to ask her to take control and give you dirty, disgusting things to do.

The Thanks-and-I-Love-You

Sometimes, seducing your lady is all about making her feel seen, heard, appreciated, and loved. If she’s tired, overwhelmed, burnt out, and/or exhibiting signs of not taking care of herself (not putting on the lotion she loves to wear, not engaging in sexual activity with you or herself, not eating well, etc.), she might find the following so much more seductive than filthy banter.

• Thank you so much for doing the dishes again last night. I’ve got it tonight.
• You looked so beautiful this morning, just like that first time I saw you.
• I was just thinking about how much I love your laugh.
• You are my everything.
• I am so lucky to have a hot wife like you.
• Thank you for being so good to me and taking such good care of our family.
• You still make my heart race.
• I love you so much, my darling woman.

It might be tame, but trust me, those words can be even more titillating and arousing to a woman than telling her how much you want to take her to bed.

My work here is done. Get your phone out right now and text her something absolutely filthy.

This article was written for Howl by Yael Wolfe, a weekly column. © Yael Wolfe 2019

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