avatarY.L. Wolfe

Summary

The article discusses a personal approach to dirty talk for those who struggle with explicit language in the bedroom.

Abstract

The author shares a relatable experience of failing to engage in traditional dirty talk despite being a writer. Instead of using explicit language, the author finds success in using simple, honest, and descriptive language to communicate desire and pleasure during intimate moments. This approach not only aligns with the author's natural way of expressing themselves but also proves to be effective in arousing their partner without feeling performative. The article emphasizes that dirty talk doesn't need to be vulgar; it can be a genuine expression of what one is feeling and enjoying in the moment.

Opinions

  • The author initially feels pressured to use explicit language during sex, which is outside their comfort zone.
  • The author believes that dirty talk should feel natural and reflect one's personality, rather than following a script.
  • Poetic language and metaphor are considered less effective than straightforward, honest expressions of desire.
  • The author's partner is influenced by their approach to dirty talk, eventually beginning to communicate their own desires and pleasures.
  • The article suggests that dirty talk can be a form of narration, sharing what one is experiencing and enjoying.
  • The author advocates for non-dirty dirty talk, emphasizing that arousal can be achieved through genuine communication without the need for explicit language.
  • The article encourages readers to find their own voice in expressing sexual desires, suggesting that this personalized approach can enhance intimacy and pleasure for both partners.

How to Master Dirty Talk When You Can’t Talk Dirty

If you have a hard time uttering “cock” and “pussy” in bed, try a simpler approach

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

“Talk dirty to me,” my last partner once whispered when we were in bed.

Being a writer, I’m sure he thought I would be fantastically good at it, dropping a “cock” here and a “pussy” there, a few mentions of how big, hard, and throbbing his dick was, and a string of “Fuck-me-harder-you-stallion.”

Instead, I paused where I was perched over him, trying to get my bearings. I was so not ready to come up with any semblance of coherent conversation, dirty or otherwise.

But I tried, for his sake.

“Ummm…,” I stuttered, trying to resume what I had been doing. “You’re so hard.”

“Yeah,” he replied, absently. “Keep going.”

“Ummm… you’re just…I love your…”

“Cock. Say cock.”

“I can’t say cock. That’s just not how I talk. Can I say penis, instead?”

And it went downhill from there.

I absolutely sucked at it (no pun intended). Give me a pen or a laptop and I can write some brilliant, original, filthy shit. But trying to talk dirty in the moment leaves me speechless.

One of my problems is that while I can find ways to stitch language into tapestries that reflect my personality and who I am in any given moment, I can’t follow the script of dirty talk. I knew exactly what he wanted — but that just wasn’t the way I expressed myself in bed, and trying to “sell” it when it felt so unnatural to me only made it worse.

Give me a pen or a laptop and I can write some brilliant, original, filthy shit. But trying to talk dirty in the moment leaves me speechless.

So what’s a woman like me to do when her partner wants some dirty talk in the bedroom?

After my stunning failure to turn my partner on with my words, I started noticing the way I wrote about sex in my fiction projects, or in the love notes that made my partner send me a dick pic the moment he found the note tucked into his jacket pocket. (I’m pretty sure that meant he liked it.)

What was I doing differently?

Sometimes, I noticed, I was using poetic language, metaphor, and allusions. Well, that wouldn’t work, I knew. At best, maybe I could get away with telling him his dick was a hammer inside me, but really…that still didn’t sound very sexy.

My other tactic, I noticed, was simplicity — plain, sparse, honest, bare language.

Okay, I thought. I could do that.

I didn’t wait for him to ask me to talk dirty again — let’s face it, he probably wouldn’t have, after that first horrifying experience of me arguing with him about the ease and beauty of “penis” on the tongue versus the guttural, hard consonants of “cock.”

I started by just telling him how I felt.

  • I like it when you suck me there.
  • I love it when you kiss me like that.
  • It feels so good when you’re inside me.

It was ridiculously simple, and not at all what he envisioned, I am sure, but he seemed to like it, despite the notable absence of the word “cock.”

Then I started telling him what I liked about him.

  • I love your fingers so much. They’re so beautiful and long and strong.
  • I love how your muscles curve here.
  • Your ass is so hot.
  • I love how smooth/hard/hot your dick is. (Yes, I could say dick!)

If I was feeling particularly confident (which sadly, didn’t happen often), I’d try to turn these compliments into commands born from my clearly unbridled desire.

  • Put those hands on me.
  • I want your mouth: kiss/suck/lick me.
  • I need you inside me. Please. Now.

Over time, I started to develop my own version of dirty talk — talk that turned on my partner but didn’t make me feel like I was reading from a script of a porn film.

Here are some ideas for you, if you also find dirty talk challenging:

  • I love the way your lips feel against my nipple.
  • I love how hard your finger feels inside me.
  • You’re making me so wet.
  • Your hands are so strong. It turns me on so much to feel them on my body.
  • I love it when you do that.
  • My body is aching for you.
  • I love the way you smell/taste. I love that saltiness at the base of your throat. I love the way you smell between your legs.
  • I clench up so tight when I’m waiting for you to come inside me.
  • Your dick feels so smooth against my tongue.
  • I love the way you groan when you first slide inside me.
  • I love it when you are as deep in me as you can get. It feels so good.
  • It makes me lose control when you touch my clit while you’re inside me.
  • I love the way you grimace just before you come.
  • I love the feeling of you having an orgasm inside me.

And always throw in some fuck me’s if you can. “Yes, fuck me,” is an absolute classic in dirty talk.

I know this is ridiculously simplistic. It’s basically a narration of the experience. But there’s something dirty about that, too, in its own way.

We don’t tend to share this stuff. Some of us are more expressive than others and will make lots of satisfied noises, but that’s not the same as explicitly stating what we like and what is making us feel good in any given moment.

My partner almost never spoke during sex, dirty talk or otherwise. Over time, I think my little narrations influenced him just a little bit.

Once, he whispered, “God, I love how big your nipples get when I suck on them.”

I was stunned and so aroused, I could hardly wait for him to get a condom on.

Another time, after he slid into me, he groaned and murmured in my ear, “I love how hot and wet and tight you are. I can barely keep from coming right now.”

That got me pretty close to coming, too. Those surprisingly simple words did so much: expressed his arousal, reinforced the desire we were feeling for one another, and it put some pretty hot images into my head.

And isn’t that what dirty talk is for? Sharing what we might not normally share, breaking past our comfort zones, bonding, communicating, stimulating one another, and sharing pleasure?

So I’m all for non-dirty dirty talk and working with what we’ve got.

You don’t have to throw down “cock” and “pussy” to be filthy. You can get dirty in your own way.

This article was written for Howl by Yael Wolfe, a weekly column. © Yael Wolfe 2019

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