Protecting your children from your divorce

Going through a divorce you never saw coming? These are some of the best ways to minimize the damage to your children.

by: E.B. Johnson

Divorce is a hard hurdle to overcome, especially when doing so with a young family in tow. Have you and your partner realized that you just can’t make it work? Are you now struggling to decide how you’re going to tell your children? Before you make some major mistakes, make sure you think carefully about how you want to proceed. Divorce is a big deal, and it takes a serious toll on our children when we don’t protect them appropriately.

Your children depend on you.

From the moment they come into this world until the moment that you leave it, your children look for your guidance in all things. You teach them how to walk, how to talk, and even how to use the bathroom. Their eyes turn to you at every new situation, and divorce is no different. Once you and your partner come to an impasse, your child will look to you to know how they should feel, act, and respond to this disruptive new change in their environment.

Your children depend on you to show them how to navigate the ups and downs of life.

Divorce comes at a cost for everyone involved — our children included. When we don’t handle our separation, the way we should, they pay the biggest price with a loss of trust and a total detachment from self and happiness. Even if we can’t make our relationships work, we owe our children some modicum of peace and civility. That only happens consciously, and it happens when both partners come together mindfully of the love they share for their children.

The cost of divorce on unprotected children.

You and your partner are not the only ones scarred by the act of divorce. Your children also pay a price for your separation, and it’s one that can affect them for decades to come. Unless you want them to take on the pain that you and your partner created, you have to protect them and realize the cost of this experience on them.

Confusion and upset

Perhaps the biggest effect of divorce on children is the extreme confusion and upset that it can cause (Hess, 1979). Especially in families with young children, this sudden change can be hard to make sense of . They don’t understand what’s going on, or why they have to be shuffled in-between homes. This can lead to volatile emotions and children who become unanchored in their lives or their growing sense of self.

Academic struggles

Because divorce causes so much mental, emotional, and physical upheaval in a child’s life, it can lead to serious problems at school and academic struggles that complicate their lives. Unless these issues are addressed, it can lead to a spiral that impacts the child’s opportunities in the future, as well as their relationships, social fluidity, and ability to lead a well-adjusted life.

Internalized reasoning

Children are like sponges, constantly absorbing all the information of the world around them. They take in every stimulus around them and attempt to make sense of it. Children are creatures that need a “why”. They want to know how the world works, and that includes divorce. If you aren’t honest with your child about what is going on and why, they can come to blame themselves for what’s going on because they’ve been offered no other reason for it.

Mental health challenges

Mental health challenges can be common in a child of divorce. While there is certainly a biological element to this, the high pressure and stress of a household-at-odds can lead a child right into the rabbit hole of hopelessness and anxiety. The longer these deep emotions are left unaddressed, the more they become a part of the child and their outlook on love and relationships.

Emotional dysregulation

Emotional dysregulation is another painful consequence of a child who has not been protected from their parents’ divorce. There’s a lot of pain associated in the ending of a marriage, and there can be a lot of guilt and shame too (including for the children). You may notice that your child begins lashing out at you and the world. Or that they become so angry it’s hard to connect with them.

Out-of-control behavior

Is your child lashing out with over-the-top behavior? Or risky actions and decisions that are totally out of their character? This is another potential side-effect suffered by children of divorce, and one that has many sources. The child may act out to gain the attention they’re no longer getting from parents. Or, they may begin engaging in risky behaviors as a means of self-punishing and numbing their emotions.

Disrupted relationships

Divorce — like all other events in a child’s life — is a lesson. They watch what you do and how you and your partner act, and they internalize that as a lesson to carry on later in life. They can come to find it hard to trust and build connections with others, or they may feel great shame connected to the divorce. This can cause them to isolate themselves. Or, they may learn that romantic love is not safe and push partners away in the future.

How to protect your children from your ongoing divorce.

It is possible to navigate a divorce while inflicting minimal injury on your children. To do that, though, both you and your partner are going to have to step outside of your egos and focus on the innocents in the equation. Keep the arguments out of their environments and try to maintain as much normality as you can. All the while, make sure you validate feelings and remain honest and open about the process ( in an age appropriate way).

1. Keep the arguments elsewhere

One of the worst mistakes that parents make in divorce is fighting in front of their children. Time-and-time again, parents lash out at one another and teach their children toxic ways of dealing with upset and emotions. Even more than that, though, arguing in front of children can also damage them on a deep emotional level (Demo, 1988).

Don’t put each other down in front of the kids or fight with one another. Don’t tell business and details that aren’t appropriate, or that may impact your child’s opinion of the other parent. Keep it civil and act with grace — just as you would want your child to act if they were under pressure.

When you argue in front of your child, you create the idea that the world they live in isn’t safe. You also plant the idea that they aren’t safe with you. Beyond that, these arguments can teach them to disrespect future partners and themselves. Your children don’t need your perspective to decide who they want to see their parent as. All them to love your partner, even if you can’t.

2. Focus on a sense of “normal”

We humans are creatures of routine. When we have a routine and a schedule, we get used to it and find comfort in it. When that gets disrupted, we can find ourselves off balance and feeling anxious. This is what divorce feels like to a child. Suddenly the world you were sure of disappears and you’re left stuck in a void. To help your child, give them a sense of “normal”.

Do everything you can to maintain as much normality as you can for your children. As humans, we find routine incredibly comforting. This is especially true for younger children who are still developing their sense of stability in the world.

Build a schedule that stays as close as possible to the one your children are used to. Keep your school routines the same, keep your weekend routines similar. Do what you can not to disrupt the norm and slide slowly into the new way of living your family is going to adopt in future. An all at once disruption can completely destroy your young child’s sense of self and security.

3. Speak with them honestly

Too many people think they can hide the unhappiness of their relationship from their children, but the fact of the matter is that you can’t. Children know when things aren’t right. They know when you and your partner don’t act like the couple on TV, or don’t act like their friend’s parents. They know when things are wrong and they need your guidance in order to make the right sense of them.

Your children are smarter than you give them credit for — treat them like it. They know what’s going on (or most of it, anyway). Think back to when you were a child and knew elements of everything your parents tried to hide from you. Have enough respect for your children to talk to them honestly and openly about what is going on.

Decide on calm, decisive, age-appropriate conversations that let your children in on what’s going on. Explain that — while you and your partner love one another very much — it’s not healthy or happy for you to live together anymore. Reaffirm your shared love for your children and let them know that you will both work as a team to keep things as normal as possible for them.

4. Make it safe for emotions

Divorces are messy and emotional for all parties involved, especially the children. Not only are they dealing with their own emotions, they’re also struggling to watch you deal with yours. The only way the whole family can get through the ordeal is by sharing their emotions together and coming to a mutual sense of safety and understanding.

Continue validating the emotions of both yourself and your children throughout the process — even the bad ones. Allow them to feel what they feel and make it clear that they can safely vocalize those emotions as well. LEt them cry. Teach them to scream into a pillow.

Instead of teaching them to bury their feelings in shame, teach them to let them out. Encourage them to come to you and your partner and ask questions. Encourage them to say what they want to say, or be angry with you or sad. The patterns you teach your child in this moment are the emotional patterns they’re going to use forever. Choose wisely to validate their emotions in a healthy way.

5. Become cooperative co-parents

Like it or not, divorce doesn’t end parenting responsibilities. If anything, it increases them. Not only do you now have to see to the normal ins and out of raising a child, you now have to navigate them through complex emotional upheaval. The only way you’re going to be able to do that effectively is by joining forces with your partner and becoming a cooperative team.

Whether you decide to end your marriage or not, you are still responsible for the lives you created. Your children look up to both of you, and they’ve become accustomed to having both of you in their lives.

At some point, you’re going to have to put your egos to the side and be there for your children. That means biting your tongue, putting the snide remarks and endless hurts on the back-burner, and showing up as friends and as co-supports for your kids. Show your children that you can still be friends, and that you can still be respectful of yourselves (and them) even when things don’t turn out like you wanted them to.

Putting it all together…

Divorce is a trying and terrible thing, but it can very often be the right choice. Even when it is the best choice, though, it can take a very serious toll on the children who get caught up in the middle. Rather than allowing our children to flounder in their own emotions, we have to make our divorce safe for them by working as a team to minimize its impact on them.

Keep the arguments and the negative chat elsewhere. Whatever you think of your partner, your child still looks up to them and they have a right to do that. Don’t allow your feelings to damage your child’s. Maintain as much normality as you can and lean into schedules and routines. Talk to your children, though, don’t hide the truth from them. They’re smarter than you give them credit for, so don’t leave them to make sense of the mess you’ve created. Make your home safe for emotions and let your children know that they came come to you and express sadness, anger, or even outright confusion. Encourage them to ask questions and show them that — no matter what — they will always be a top priority by becoming civil and respectful co-parents.

• Demo, D., & Acock, A. (1988). The Impact of Divorce on Children. Journal of Marriage and Family, 50(3), 619–648. doi:10.2307/352634
• Hess, R. and Camara, K., 1979. Post‐Divorce Family Relationships as Mediating Factors in the Consequences of Divorce for Children.