How To Move On From Heartbreak

Tired of cliche advice? Try this psychology-based approach instead.

There’s no sugar-coating it — heartbreak sucks. Cupid’s arrows remain amongst the sharpest in existence, one that often hurts both emotionally and physically. It can lead us to doubt ourselves, create false beliefs, and feel unworthy.

Fortunately, it’s not all doom and gloom. We can take solace in knowing that pretty much everyone you ever meet will experience the pain of heartbreak. Some may argue it represents the quintessential human experience. But beyond this comforting fact, I can honestly say I’ve seen heartbreak consistently create more transformation than any other event.

In other words — it’s a golden opportunity for growth when harnessed correctly.

So what’s the bad news?

Well, for one, there is no quick fix. It’s a process, and there will be discomfort. On top of that, the information online about how to recover is generally appalling. Article after article spouting the same cliches, including :

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” (I wanted this one though)

“Time heals all” (OK, but how long?)

“Focus on other things” (I’m trying!)

“Get back out there” (Sure, I love dating apps…not)

“Love yourself first” (Fine, but how?!)

No wonder people find it hard to move on!

Fortunately, I have something better for you. I’m about to share a psychology-backed blueprint that will help you move on in the quickest time.

These ideas come from my extensive research into human behaviour and experience of coaching more than 100 clients through heartbreak. By the end of this post you’ll have a greater understanding of what holds you back, and most importantly, a plan to move forward.

A word of caution: Before reading further, you need to be clear you’re serious about moving on. It is perfectly fine if you’re not. Be honest with yourself — there are no points for self-deception.

If you’re ready to let go, then let’s dive in!

1 — Discover The Hidden Benefit Of Staying The Same

Carl Jung has a famous quote:

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and call it fate”.

Your behaviour is often guided by inner saboteurs you have yet to identify. These gremlins are causing havoc, and until you see them, you cannot stop them. This is true when moving on from heartbreak. Usually, there is a hidden agenda that stops you from taking action.

To uncover this, start with a simple question:

“How do I secretly benefit from staying the same right now?”

For example, smokers often struggle to quit because it calms them down or creates a social benefit (the management smoking club). These gains need to be maintained before a person will ditch the habit, or else there is more to lose than staying the same.

Imagine you let this heartbreak go right now. What will change in your life? What you will lose?

For some, that could be attention from friends and family. For others, it might be their excuse for not getting on apps or trying to meet more people socially. Another person might feel this situation is the only entertainment in their life. Imagine letting go of the one thing that makes you feel alive!

Awareness of these elements allows you choice. List them out and get present to what’s happening for you

When you have that list, make a decision. Are these benefits more important than moving on? Are there ways you can satisfy these gains in another way that doesn’t require the state of heartbreak and inaction?

To move forward, devise a plan that will help you address these gaps. If you’re feeling stuck, then check out this detailed guide on how to do this in the article below. At a minimum, get clear on your list.

2 — Stop Waiting For Closure, Create It

In five years of heartbreak coaching, I can confidently say the biggest thing holding people back is waiting for closure.

If you haven’t heard of the Zeigarnik Effect, it’s the tendency in humans to remember unfinished tasks twice as well as completed ones. Why are cliffhangers so effective? Writers know you want to close the loop and will stay invested. People are still raging about Game of Thrones because there are unanswered questions (many-faced god, anyone?).

The Zeigarnik Effect — the tendency in humans to remember unfinished tasks twice as well as completed ones.

The original research into the Zeigarnik Effect had four main findings:

1. Unfinished tasks are remembered approximately twice as well as completed ones.
2. The recall value of unfinished tasks is high because there still exists an unsatisfied quasi-need (one based on intent or purpose, not a biological need)
3. This quasi-need equates to a state of tension (Dissonance) that drives a desire to finish the interrupted task and ensures prominence in the subject’s memory.
4. The psychological stress persists if the job has not been completed to the subject’s satisfaction, irrespective of whether another person deems it finished or not.

How does this apply to heartbreak and closure?

• You have an open-loop if you don’t have the answers you want.
• This cliff-hang creates prominence in memory, leading you to obsess over what happened (replaying memories, re-reading messages).
• You are always trying to justify your version of events and wait for the other person to come around (an apology or different explanation).
• You don’t move on because this continues to eat away at you — you want your moment.

Here’s the key — you don’t like what happened, and in their world, it made sense. You could be waiting for something that is never coming because it doesn’t exist to them.

The key is to create closure.

You decide when the loop is closed, so let’s take advantage of that with two methods:

1. Use Cognitive Re-framing — Come up with three ways this experience is a gift to you. What does it open up? What could be possible? How could you grow? It may take time to do this- stick with it.
2. Write a closure letter — This is written to them, though it doesn’t need to be sent. Pour everything you want to say, including what happened and how you felt. As you progress, start to add the elements of reframing. Finish with your reframed view of how you will be going forward and how this will be the greatest thing that happened to you.

Waiting for closure puts you in victim mode. It’s like waiting for a train that is never coming. Access the responsibility within you, and turn this into personal transformation.

If you’d like to explore the idea of closure more deeply, check out this article I wrote below, which also includes a template for the letter.

Reset Your Dopamine (Get Off The Chase Roller-Coaster)

One of the most complex parts of moving on is getting off the emotional roller-coaster. The chase is thrilling because it manipulates a hormone called Dopamine. This chemical helps us get motivated, take action towards goals, and feel good when we achieve them.

The problem with Dopamine is that you don’t need to receive the reward to get the feeling. Modern research shows it’s as much about anticipation and uncertainty.

Consider your addiction to your phone. The pleasure doesn’t just come from seeing notifications — it’s from the act of swiping and waiting to see what happens. You then learn behaviour that makes you feel good and repeat it (swipe for notifications).

The idea of a person coming around (the chase) can be more compelling than the moment they do. It’s easy to get lost in the game, even though we know they don’t want us, and thus we should be moving on.

So consider this:

You might be addicted to the chase.

Who can blame you? You’re getting a massive hit of Dopamine with almost no work required. Even sitting still and thinking about what might happen can give you a spike. That can be more appealing than starting again on apps or going out to meet people.

Of course, this is low-quality Dopamine. It doesn’t serve you beyond the immediate moment and leads to stagnation and further hurt.

How can you reduce the Dopamine from this situation and build a new source in your life?

It can be helpful to think about reducing anticipation and increasing certainty in the situation you’re leaving whilst doing the opposite in other areas of life.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

• If you’re checking your phone for messages — delete the chat and number. Remove their social profiles or, at minimum mute them.
• Stop discussing imaginary scenarios with your friends.
• Close the door in your mind (closure!).
• If you’re reading things about signs they like you, astrology, or tarot — consider switching the subject to self-love, moving on, or something completely unrelated to dating.
• Consider activities or passions have you always wanted to pursue but never got around to. Can you set a goal that creates anticipation and uncertainty?
• What did you used to love doing as a kid that you have stopped?

Take a moment now and consider how this situation provides you with Dopamine. Where else are you getting this hormone? Are there any passions you could pursue now to help with your detox?

If you’d like to read more about Dopamine, check out this detailed article here:

Use The Perfect Strategy Method

The final idea I want to share is the “Perfect Strategy” method.

Years ago, I was frustrated by my reflection in the mirror. I was going to the gym five times a week yet looked like I’d never lifted a weight.

After about an hour of self-loathing and tears, I realised something profound — I was an expert at going to the gym and not getting results. I could literally teach an alien how to do it. I grabbed a notepad and authored my expert's guide:

• Never follow a routine consistently
• Don’t track calories
• Listen to steroid users
• Spend more money on supplements than food
• Do exercises that have nothing to do with my goals (squats for arms)

You get the idea. All I had to do was invert this strategy, and I’d have a pathway to something new. Six months later, I saw my abs for the first time.

That same concept applies to anything in life where you’re stuck. Right now, you are an absolute expert at NOT moving on.

Instead of blaming, congratulate yourself and design your strategy.

Designing Your Perfect Strategy

• Grab a blank sheet of paper and write “Guide To NOT Moving On” in the centre
• In spider format, add as many things you do now that keep you stuck, e.g. stalking social media, not meeting new people, blaming them, re-reading texts etc.
• Keep going till you have at least 10 items, ideally 20
• Once done, flip the sheet and draw the inverse diagram — turn every single point on its head (e.g. stalking social becomes mute or remove them)

You now have your perfect strategy for moving on. Pick 1–2 points and make them a focus for your week. Continue crossing them off over the next two months until you complete all items.

Putting It All Together

Hopefully, this post has taught you new techniques and ideas that make moving on seem far more exciting and possible.

Let’s quickly summarise the main points:

• Get clear on your secondary gain— what might be unconsciously preventing you from moving on? Can you solve those benefits by other means?
• Create your closure by identifying three ways this is a gift and crafting a closure letter.
• Address your Dopamine fix — cut the sources related to this person, and start to build up new activities that give you pleasure and excitement.
• Draw up your perfect strategy — use your knowledge of how to stay stuck and turn it into your blueprint for moving forward.

I am confident that executing these ideas will tremendously impact your life. As a parting gift, here’s a guiding principle:

Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.

Any time you are breaking a pattern, you are moving forward. Progress looks like one tiny step after another. Give yourself time and consistent action, and heartbreak could become the greatest thing that ever happened to you.

And as always, if you’re looking for a trusted guide, don’t hesitate to reach out. My door is always open.

Make it happen.

Fed up with repeating patterns in dating? Or perhaps you’re ready to attract the love you deserve.

I’ve helped 100s of clients crush overthinking, heal the pain of rejection and become their most attractive selves.

If that sounds interesting, why not book a FREE Breakthrough Call — let’s see how we can make it happen.

You can also pick up a copy of my FREE eBOOK, “Three Essential Keys To Move On From Heartbreak”, here.