I Want To Move On, So Why Can’t I Take Action?

How an old psychological concept can help you get unstuck

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate” — Carl Jung

Many clients book a breakthrough call with me because they feel stuck. In most cases, the person has been hurt by a break-up or rejection and wants to move on. The challenge, however, is despite the pain and desire to move forward, they can’t quite seem to take the necessary steps. This leaves the individual confused, conflicted, and unsure of how to proceed.

While there can be many reasons for this feeling, most commonly the client isn’t aware that there is a benefit in staying the same. Allow me to illustrate this with a quick story.

Years ago, a client reached out to me looking for help — let’s call her Amy. Amy had been having an on-and-off affair for the past five years. Her marriage was dead and loveless, and Amy cared greatly for this other person.

The problem was that he became avoidant whenever she expressed her desire for further commitment. Weeks would go by without contact, and just when Amy thought she might move on, he would come back into her life and sprinkle enough hope to lure her back in. This cycle repeated itself multiple times, and Amy was finally seeking help.

As a coach, I’ve learned the true essence of a client’s problem is far more profound than they realise. Amy was adamant the problem was this man and his commitment. I knew there was something more — she would not stay in this situation for five years without a deeper reason.

Together, we explored what was happening. Amy came face to face with her uncomfortable truth — there was a massive void in her life.

Without this drama, she considered her life dull and meaningless. To the outside world, she was a stunning woman with a successful career as an accountant. Internally, her job was nothing more than a way to appease her parents and a constant source of boredom. Her beauty did not make her marriage any more loving nor fulfilling either.

And so Amy got brutally honest with herself — the one thing that made her feel alive was the roller-coaster of chasing this man. After hours of staring at numbers, it provided something interesting, exciting, unpredictable, and all-consuming. Although she knew it to be unhealthy, it was a welcome distraction from the numbness that would be left in its void.

Amy’s behaviour may have seemed crazy to friends, but it made complete sense in her context.

Why?

Because there was a benefit to staying the same.

In psychology, this is called Secondary Gain.

Secondary Gain — the hidden benefit you get from a situation staying the same, either immediately or through avoidance

Why Secondary Gain Matters

Let’s talk about why this is so important.

You may have heard of loss aversion — the idea that humans are more motivated by avoiding loss than what they can win. Secondary gain is an extension of this. While you might feel genuine pain from chasing someone who doesn’t want you, there will also be something you unconsciously fear losing (or confronting) that prevents you from taking the steps needed to move forward.

That leads us nicely to a powerful idea you can apply anywhere in your life:

In any transformation, your desire to change must be greater than your desire to stay the same.

Equal is not enough because it represents homeostasis.

You are a human being. The oldest part of your brain is biologically wired to focus on survival. That means avoiding danger, uncertainty, and the risk of loss.

So what does this mean?

You must satisfy your secondary gain, or you will unconsciously fight to avoid losing it!

Failure to take this step will leave you repeatedly re-creating the same situations without knowing why. You may even blame other people when there are unresolved elements within you.

How To Identify Your Secondary Gain

Start by asking yourself the following question:

What will I lose (or have to face) when I get over this person?

Don’t worry if you don’t get this immediately. Here are some real-life examples to get you thinking:

• You secretly love the drama, euphoric highs and emotional roller-coaster of the chase
• It’s your favourite subject — what else would you think about or talk about with friends?
• You get to cling to hope they will change whilst avoiding responsibility for your life.
• You have few passions beyond dating — what else would you be working towards if not this person?
• You think this person is the only one for you (see: Twin Flames/Soul Mate theory)
• You get to avoid putting yourself out there and meeting new people/can’t be bothered with dating apps.
• You can avoid challenging the beliefs you have about yourself (low self-worth, esteem, confidence)
• You get to confirm the story that your dating life is destined for failure and continue being right about it to avoid disappointment or having to open up to anyone else.

I’m sure you can relate to many of these situations. That’s because we’re all dealing with the same shit in relationships.

We all love the chase because it’s a dopamine-driven addictive loop. When we like someone, we naturally hope they will come round and see we’re the one for them. We all hear the inner critic’s voice that makes us doubt our worth. If we’re brutally honest, we’ve all had times when a crush is the most exciting thing in life, particularly if we’re working a job we hate purely for money, prestige, or societal expectation.

I want to be clear that none of the above is an attack on you. I’ve been through this all myself. Life isn’t always easy. Having purpose and chasing dreams isn’t always at the front of your mind when trying to make ends meet. There will frequently be struggles in romance and internal demons for us to slay. This is not about discovering the meaning of life or quitting your job to chase a dream. It’s about identifying your truth, so you can create a tailored plan to let go of what holds you back.

Five Questions To Take You Deeper

If you want to go even further with this process, here are some questions to answer honestly:

1. What is your secondary gain? (Hint: A benefit or something you get to avoid)
2. What is this really about for you? (Hint: Do you have beliefs about yourself, a void in life, etc.)
3. When did this truly start for you? (Hint: For most people, the above originated long before this person came into their lives)
4. What is this situation costing you? (Hint: If you keep going the same way for the next 1/3/5 years, what happens?)
5. Do you want to do something about it now? (Hint: Are you genuinely prepared to take steps to work through this now?)

Going back to Amy, she acknowledged that she didn’t want to get over the person. When she realised how much she enjoyed the chase and the void it would leave, she found an unexpected sense of peace and clarity. Instead of pretending she wanted to move on, she chose to sit with the realisation.

Months later, Amy returned to me as she was finally ready to start the process. We worked on many of the ideas I’ve written about on Medium. She was able to let go of the toxic situation and create space for the love she deserved.

The important thing for you is to be honest about where you are now. If you aren’t ready to move on, that’s completely fine. Sometimes we need longer to process our emotions. The key is to assess what this situation costs you and whether that is acceptable. Don’t pretend you want to move on because others tell you to. It must be a choice that you are entirely behind for the right reasons.

Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result. Bring sanity to your life by being honest about where you have been dishonest so far.

Putting It All Together

• Secondary gain is the hidden benefit you receive from a situation staying as it is (something you get or avoid by not changing)
• Your desire to change must be greater than your desire to stay the same (not possible if there are greater benefits to remaining where you are)
• Identifying your secondary gain is a crucial part of the process, or you will repeat the same behaviours without knowing what is truly holding you back.
• If you’re not ready to move on, don’t pretend. It only creates more pressure and stress.

Hopefully, this article has given you a new perspective on moving on and, at minimum, something to ponder. If you’ve been struggling to move on despite logically wanting to, exploring this avenue will likely help you get unstuck. Take some time now to answer all the questions referenced above, and see what opens up for you.

As always, my door is open for anyone wanting to take the conversation further and learn more about the psychology of dating and self-improvement. If that sounds interesting, you can find me via the link below — I would love to talk with you.

Make it happen.

Fed up with repeating patterns in dating? Or perhaps you’re ready to attract the love you deserve.

I’ve helped 100s of clients crush overthinking, heal the pain of rejection and become their most attractive selves.

If that sounds interesting, why not book a FREE Breakthrough Call — let’s see how we can make it happen.

You can also pick up a copy of my FREE eBOOK, “Three Essential Keys To Move On From Heartbreak”, here.