Stop Waiting For Others To Give You Closure
Don’t be a victim waiting for permission to move on
If you’ve read any of my work on Medium, you’ll know I write a lot about relationships and specifically unrequited love. Every day, I get messages from people facing their own unique struggles and battling a hurtful rejection. One of the most common themes I encounter is the need for closure.
There are two main situations this applies to:
- A crush or infatuation
- A break-up
When a person is searching for closure in an infatuation, it’s usually an attempt to validate the other person felt the same way at some point. For breakups, it’s often an attempt to understand why the person ended the relationship, ghosted them, or treated them in a certain way despite giving everything.
For most, the need for answers is so powerful it becomes practically impossible to move on. They spend all their time figuring out what happened and making sense of the events that transpired. What’s key to understand here is that the person already has closure via the other person’s actions. That leads us to a fundamental idea we need to accept:
You already have closure — just not the kind you want.
If that sounds like you, that’s OK — it’s 100% natural. We are human beings who have an innate need to make sense of what happens to us. If someone ran away from a relationship where you had a deep connection, of course, you’d be desperate to know why. Similarly, if your crush showed you signs of attraction and then suddenly rejected you, there’s no doubt you’ll be racking your brain trying to pinpoint what went wrong.
I want to offer that while the above is normal, it’s not useful and actually keeps you stuck. Let’s explore further.
Why You Seek Closure — The Zeigarnik Effect
The first place to start is understanding why you need closure.
The key concept to grasp here is the Zeigarnik Effect — the psychological tendency to remember an uncompleted task more readily than a completed one.
The phenomenon is named after Russian psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik. In 1927, Zeigarniks professor noticed that waiters appeared more able to recall the details of unpaid orders than completed ones. Zeigarnik investigated with a series of experiments, culminating with her research report “On Finished and Unfinished Tasks.”
The key findings of this research were as follows:
- Unfinished tasks are remembered approximately twice as well as completed ones.
- The recall value of unfinished tasks is high because there still exists an unsatisfied quasi-need (one based on intent or purpose, i.e., not a biological need)
- This quasi-need equates to a state of tension that not only drives a desire to finish the interrupted task but also ensures prominence in the subject’s memory.
- The psychological stress persists if the job has not been completed to the subject’s satisfaction, irrespective of whether another person deems it finished or not.
Keep these findings in mind as we will return to them shortly.
How Does The Zeigarnik Effect Impact Closure?
So, why is this relevant?
1 — Your need for closure comes from some contradiction you don’t understand (read more: Cognitive Dissonance) It could be how the other person was acting or simply not understanding the logic of their actions because they violate your values. A great example is someone ghosting you without explanation. In your morals and ethics, you might find it disgusting and rude. In reality, the action makes sense to the other person. All behaviour has a positive intention at some level (bullies want to feel better about themselves). That person could be scared, feel unworthy, or not have the maturity to confront the situation. We can’t always judge others on our own set of values — it doesn’t work in a world where everyone sees things differently.
2 — The open-loop (unfinished task) immediately triggers the Zeigarnik Effect
While you have Dissonance (contradiction) in your head, this ensures prominence in your memory and a continued psychological tension. You’ll be remembering all the tiny details and constructing a bank of evidence mentally for what you want to believe. The main point to understand here is that you want to solve the puzzle, and most people will be trying to do so through seeking new information via thought and fantasizing. Note that while the loop remains open, it becomes tough to focus on anything else.
3 — The task is only deemed finished when completed to your satisfaction (the loop stays open until you get the answers you want, irrespective of the truth )
In other words, someone can say they aren’t attracted to you, and you won’t listen. You will continue to seek more information through thought and analysis that proves what you want to be true instead of the closure you are being given. All because you are a human being who wants to be proven right, hates to be wrong, and judges others on your own values as if they apply to the world.
This is so important!
They have given you answers!
If you’re in doubt, keep in mind a simple truth — people who want you don’t make it difficult. You continue to search because the whole scenario doesn’t make sense based on your expectations. The Zeigarnik Effect shows that until you draw a conclusion for yourself, you will keep ruminating on what happened, rationalizing the view you want, and ultimately waiting for the perfect closure that is unlikely to come.
What Does Waiting Cost You?
All of the above describe the psychological reasons we continue to seek closure even when people have given it to us. What we need to consider now is what this is costing you.
In life, whenever we struggle to change a behaviour that is seemingly detrimental to us, it boils down to a cost-benefit ratio. Bluntly, you get some gain from staying the same way, which is currently more important to you than changing.
The ultimate benefit from waiting is hope. You hope that things will change — that the person will come around or suddenly realise the error of their ways. This can be such a powerful incentive to wait as it leaves a door open to get what you want. The unfortunate truth is that you could be waiting forever and likely will be. You can also shy away from the process of acceptance and putting yourself out there to meet new people. You stay safe with your emotions and enjoy your situation's drama — using all your detective skills to decipher the true meaning of what happened through obsessive analysis. Oh, and all of this is happening in the confines of your head. In other words, it can be pure fantasy in a land far away from reality.
So let’s revisit the question — what is waiting for closure costing you?
The simple answer is everything.
Your personal power, thoughts, freedom, relationships, success, vitality, health — the list goes on. This singular action can become like a poison spreading through all areas in life. Whether you want to admit it or not, waiting for another person to give you closure absolves yourself of responsibility for your life. You’re waiting for permission to move on and have absolutely no control over when that happens. If you’re honest with yourself, you probably won’t accept any further closure unless it’s exactly what you want to hear. That leaves you stuck in an infinite loop of waiting for someone else to provide something that they never will, all while putting your life on hold and being the victim.
What To Do Instead
So what do you do instead?
Create your own closure.
Instead of waiting for another person to permit you to move on, you take the bull by the horns and turn this situation around. One of the best techniques for this is to use Cognitive Re-framing — assigning a new meaning to this experience.
Ask yourself two questions:
- What could be considered good about this situation
- How could I learn lessons that will turn this into one of the best things to happen for me?
For many of my clients, honestly answering those questions provides new perspectives. Often, they notice this has been a pattern that started well before the current situation. This allows them to realize the opportunity is to focus on their own development, healing past wounds, and attracting higher-quality relationships going forward.
You may be wondering what you can do to create structure around this process. One of the most effective methods I have been using with clients is to write a closure letter. Don’t panic — you don’t have to send it to the person, but you do have to take the time to write it.
The format is simple — hit all of the below points:
- What happened (the events that transpired)
- What you felt (emotions — sadness, hurt, regret, rejection, etc.)
- What you made this mean about yourself (not good enough, not attractive, not worthy, etc.)
- What you have been blaming the other person for (not seeing things, behaving a certain way, not communicating, etc.)
- What you now see and how you choose to be going forward (your reframed view of what this means for you and what’s possible)
Once written, you can keep it with you to refer back to in moments of doubt, or some people like to destroy it. You have to work out what is right for you as part of an intent to take responsibility for your life going forward. Think of this as a moment where you signal to yourself that you will no longer be bound by waiting for another person to give you the answer you want. It’s you reclaiming the power in your life and stepping into the role of creator.
Final Thoughts — It’s Your Choice
Having worked with tons of clients on moving on, I can assure you that the above process is battle-tested and proven. So many people are waiting for closure that is never going to come. The result is putting the responsibility of their life in the hands of someone else. It leads to inaction, victim mentality, and stagnation.
If you’re serious about letting go, create your own closure. Don’t wait for permission or the story you want to hear that makes sense. Choose to re-write your script and see what’s possible moving forward. No one will do it for you, and it’s up to you to create change in your life.
Make it happen.
Fed up with repeating patterns in dating? Or perhaps you’re ready to attract the love you deserve.
I’ve helped 100s of clients crush overthinking, heal the pain of rejection and become their most attractive selves.
If that sounds interesting, why not book a FREE Breakthrough Call — let’s see how we can make it happen.
You can also pick up a copy of my FREE eBOOK, “Three Essential Keys To Move On From Heartbreak”, here.
