How to Manage Your Inner Control Maniac
It is possible to let go of your urge to control
When you live with a control freak, you love him despite his constant need to make sure everything goes according to plan.
When you work with them, you tolerate them because you love your job, have to pay your bills — and prison orange isn’t your color.
You can’t avoid all world control freaks, so you have to find a way to live peacefully with them. It’s hard, but believe it or not, it can be done.
Understanding the psychology behind the behavior.
Let’s say you can’t wait to throw an epic birthday party for a loved one. If you spend the time dissecting every movement of all of your movements and those of others, straining yourself so heavily that it breaks when a single detail is out of place, it won’t be difficult to destroy the joy of the occasion.
If this sounds like you, you may have heard the term “control freak” once or twice. A control freak is defined as “someone who is determined to make things happen exactly the way they want and who tries to get others to do what they want”.
While control can certainly be a symptom of something serious, most people who participate on meticulous planning and scheduling can seek comfort in the midst of the chaos. And it is very understandable.
But if you find yourself unable to relax and that stiffness is interfering with your everyday happiness (and relationships), it may be time to take steps to free yourself from your inner control maniac.
According to Victoria Albina, holistic life coach, seeking control is a common way to deal with stress.
As adults, we can try to address our own problems by telling others what to do when they are not being questioned and by manipulating the circumstances to try to influence someone; how they think, feel or live.
This means that it is possible to let go of your urge to control. The key is to reduce your stress so that your needs have more leeway in other directions.
How to lose control for your own sanity
Have a taste of how others feel: Stand with your feet firmly on the floor. Notice how you feel. Look around and name seven colors. Notice how you feel.
Practice doing low complex activities: Allow yourself to find little controls in your day — cooking, baking, and cleaning are popular, but your demeanor can also be more passive.
Keep a dairy of what you can control: Try something as small as choosing which show to watch on Netflix or which direction to walk in. Balance feelings of control and ways to be in control. It doesn’t matter how little. Small steps lead to big changes.
Join support groups: When we put our ego aside and open up to the community, we grow together, move forward, and as a collective reach new heights that we cannot comprehend alone. Remember this saying, “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
Gaining control can cause friction with those around you, especially if you are unable to communicate the fundamental need behind your control.
Signs that you are a control freak
There may not be any hard and fast rules for what a control problem is, but experts say there are characteristics of when over-control becomes a problem:
- always ask to know what someone is doing
- monitor devices, social networks or email accounts
- act jealous and often accuse partners of cheating
- dictate when someone can go to school or work
- tell someone what to eat, drink or wear
- prevent anyone from seeing friends or family
- controlling someone’s finances so that they no longer have access to their money
- preventing anyone from receiving medical or mental health care
- using insults to break someone’s trust
- deliberately humiliating someone in public or online
- threaten to hurt themselves or others to get what they want
If a person wants to discover while in therapy he needs to be in control, you have to research and understand why the need exists. As living things, a lack of control can indicate the fragility of the brain, and that feeling can be a sign of a survival response to hang on or let go. Each person’s individual makeup and life experiences create a barrier to what would trigger that response.
Gaining control can cause friction with those around you, especially if you are unable to communicate the fundamental need behind your control.
It is often the cause of many disagreements at work and in the family. For example, a person with an eating disorder seems to be in control if she dictates the location of the Christmas party from her office because she knows that a particular restaurant can cause her disorder to deteriorate. Her colleagues may not understand the reason behind her resistance, and she comes across as the one who doesn’t hang out with everyone. In reality, she’s trying to protect herself.
How excessive control can be limiting
Experts say that excessive control can create bottlenecks in collaboration and relationships including:
- lack of sleep due to rapid thoughts
- anxiety and/or depression
- loneliness or lack of real allies
- decreased self-esteem
- inability to maintain deep relationships, trust and communication
- mainly have superficial or purely transactional relationships
It’s important to prioritize and understand what needs to be controlled and what you just want to control. Learn to realistically and honestly see the difference between need and want. It helps a lot to know what to hold on to and what to let go of.
Trying to control others is a self-centered game. You try to feel safe in your own body by manipulating others to do what you want them to do. It is an understandable habit, but in fact it is not loving. It does not build trust or respect in a relationship rather destroys it.
We often learned these habits in childhood by controlling parents or guardians. So take a break before continuing with this family tradition to tell others what to do with their lives. Nobody likes to be told what to do or how they should live.
The way to change this habit is to notice when you do it, give yourself love and then remind yourself that the only thing in the world you can control is yourself and your own thoughts.
Seek professional advice if necessary
Of course, it can be daunting to discuss why you need control, especially given the stigma attached to some mental health issues. But using control as a communication technique makes no sense to anyone.
If you think your need for monitoring is indicative of something a little more clinical, talking to a professional can give you some helpful tools.
Personality disorders — such as narcissistic or borderline — are considered Axis 2 disorders. These are less susceptible and more wired conditions. In non-personality disorders, control can be a technique to manage the symptoms.
Usually people come to therapy when their favorite coping mechanism is no longer working for them and they may need support and guidance to explore new ways of being in the world. Usually this helps identify what is causing the underlying anxiety/depression that laid the foundation for control.
Show compassion to yourself and others
Calling yourself or someone else a control freak may seem like a light way of pointing out flaws — or it may be banal. Experts emphasizes that curing the need for control starts with recognizing the need.
Excess control is more of a habit. I don’t believe people who are controlling have a genetic mutation, instead they adopt this habit. Which means it can changed.
And while taking action to manage your control impulses may be difficult or even seem counterintuitive, compassion is the ultimate tool to transformation.
The way to change this habit is to notice when you do it, give yourself love and then remind yourself that the only thing in the world you can control is yourself and your own thoughts.
Concentrate on building the purposeful life of your dreams and spend your time and energy on yourself, not someone else. Your life — and theirs — will only get better.
