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How to Get Over a Narcissist Breakup

To protect yourself from a mental breakdown, first, guard your heart.

When I hear some women talk about their emotional distress, confusion, pain, and discomfort and wondering what happened to their fairytale love story that started with such a bang.

Invariably a combination of these words follows: “Prince charming”, “Soulmate”, “Man of my dreams”, “Swept me off my feet”, “Stole my heart”, “Charismatic” …

I’m not a psychic, but from my experience, I can predict what will come next: the relationship deteriorates and this man who’s too perfect to be real turns into something completely different.

Often there is something much more disturbing. He needs endless attention, but nothing she does makes him happy.

Everything she says is wrong because he is easily hurt or angry. She starts to feel very lonely in the relationship, confused and disconnected.

Worse, she might think it’s her fault in some way — that she has to work even harder to please him.

Often the dynamics play out more insidiously. You talk about a problem and your partner directly relates it to something that happened to him; your story fades as its own story takes over.

Or you and your partner disagree and end up questioning yourself as if dissent threatens their well-being.

Any need you communicate that doesn’t match his can be referred to you as a character flaw.

For example, you tell your boyfriend that you can’t get together on the night of your usual date due to work, and his answer is, “You’re just not available for serious engagement right now, and I want a real relationship”.

Suddenly you have a global problem, and he is a victim. What a freak.

“Narcissists take everything so personally because beneath their awesome bravado lies a deep self-loathing — they need to be sustained by constant outer praise”.

If all of this sounds familiar, you may be living or dating a narcissist. The tall and charming personality is typical of narcissists.

Initially quite friendly, they attract everyone’s attention. When they shine on you, it is easy to fall hard.

But this trap becomes painful when other narcissistic traits reveal themselves. Narcissists are hypersensitive to any perceived criticism.

Feedback other than flattery sounds like a light and can provoke extreme anger. They feel deeply hurt by criticism and have an inordinate need for praise and admiration.

Any time you express your honest feelings, you can hit your partner’s emotional quicksand.

This is not what true love feels like.

Falling in love can throw you off balance, but staying in love will keep you firmly rooted. An absolutely essential ingredient of a good relationship is emotional security — you have to feel safe to be the real you!

But it is very difficult to be yourself when you have such an emotionally unstable partner. Narcissists are often arrogant, self-centered, and lacking in empathy. They are so in their own world that they cannot even see you.

It’s hard to put yourself in someone else’s shoes if you can’t see beyond your own. Narcissists don’t see you as you, but rather as an extension of themselves.

But being seen and adored for who you really are is the highest form of romance. I have once heard that the word privacy can be split into the words “IN ME YOU SEE”.

It’s so hard for the narcissists in your life to actually see your true identity because they are focused on themselves.

Talking about how you feel becomes tiring and frustrating because they can’t really appreciate your point of view and because you have to coat everything so as not to activate them.

If he readily condemns those he cherished before, chances are the dark light will shine on you at some point.

You can keep the fantasy that if you nurture them enough, they will eventually take care of you.

Unfortunately, this will be the case more often than not. But if part of life’s journey knows yourself, the narcissist in your life can be a great teacher.

The journey to discovering your authentic self requires you to become painfully honest in order to overcome your painful feelings.

Here are a few questions to help you see into the limelight and to determine if you just need more excuses to cope, or if you really need to back off.

Ask yourself these questions

Why did you choose him? Does he remind you of the love you received from either of your parents or both? Or are you and your partner trying to have a happier ending than with your parents?

Are you swallowing your anger and hiding your true self? This can lead to depression.

Do your constant efforts to please him require exhaustive vigilance? Are you working to hide your partner’s volatility and fragile ego from your children and friends?

Do you see it for what it is or are you constantly making excuses? Try to get a fair picture of what’s going on. Do not distort the data.

Do you feel like your needs are constantly being overshadowed, despite your efforts to communicate them? Did things get so bad that you stopped communicating with them because it didn’t seem necessary? Or is there a safe place for you?

Are you on gaslight? Narcissists deny things they have said or pretend they have said otherwise. They rewrite history. They are unaware of the impact they have on you or others. It’s crazy. Beware of this distortion and don’t buy into it.

Does your partner have a history of healthy, intimate relationships? Or is there a long-standing pattern of unstable relationships, be it romantic, friendly, or professional? History doesn’t lie, so pay attention.

How do you feel when you are with your partner: separated and whole, or entangled and lost in their drama? Does being with your partner make you feel peaceful or nervous?

Do you feel like a better version of yourself since living or dating a narcissist? Take a moment to compare how you feel about yourself before meeting your partner and now.

When you live or date narcissists, it seems like you have to tiptoe around minefields and be constantly on the lookout not to activate them.

Narcissists take everything so personally because beneath their awesome bravado lies a deep self-loathing — they need to be backed up by constant external praise.

Their fuel is admiration and they need you to reflect their greatness because they don’t really feel it themselves.

Being that perfectly flattering mirror is exhausting, and after a while, your needs merge with theirs. You lose track of where they end and you start.

You get so busy supporting the narcissist that you have nothing left for yourself. You tend to disappear.

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s all about them. It’s confusing and exhausting.

While this is an exciting time when you are moving in a positive direction, there is a difficult period of adjustment right after you break up with a narcissist.

What to do after a narcissist breakup

Just because they treat you like trash doesn’t make it easy to get over a narcissist. In fact, this type of fault is often one of the most difficult to fix.

You feel yourself up and down over and over — it’s as much a rollercoaster ride as your relationship itself. So here’s exactly how to overcome a narcissist once and for all.

1. Don’t hold back your tears

This is the first step to relieve your aching heart. Healing of the human heart is a long and tender process known as grief that comes and goes, sometimes for years.

Take the time to honor your grief by going under your anger and finding grief.

As you comfort yourself, recognize the process of welcoming yourself into your home.

Be grateful for the emotions that you have had to bottle up for years, even the most difficult.

They can bubble up now because you are finally with someone who loves you and accepts you completely — yourself!

2. Stop obsessing

Trying to be in a relationship with a narcissist is next to impossible, so you spent a lot of time analyzing their behavior and character to understand the bent balls they kept throwing at you.

After you leave your abusive relationship, this usual pattern of analysis will continue until you force it to stop.

Every time you think about what’s wrong with your ex, remind yourself that you are no longer concerned about that person and gently encourage your mind to think about something else.

Do this over and over. Most experts say it takes three months to change a habit.

3. Avoid any communication

In order to get through all these dysfunctional trials with your narcissist, you had to make excuses for their behavior, downplay their abuse, reinterpret their lies and get around their delusions, to keep the peace and justify staying with them.

If you miss them now — and you will — you start rationalizing again, thinking, “Oh, they’re not that bad.”

Don’t fall for it. Remind yourself again and again why you left to avoid being manipulated by your narcissistic ex — or worse, dating him.

The best way to do this is to keep zero contact. Don’t call, text or block them on social media.

4. Focus on loving yourself

Since one of the narcissist’s strategies is to put others down in order to elevate themselves, it is unlikely that you will have heard compliments, support, or appreciation after the seduction phase is over.

You may also have faced verbal abuse. Narcissists want you to remain insecure, so being sure of yourself is foreign territory for you right now.

You may also have lost confidence in your own judgment because of taking so long.

Where do you start to heal from all this?

There are therapists, self-help programs, and groups that can help you focus on self-love that you need to practice restoring your self-esteem after you break up.

Try to meet regularly with a group of people working for the same type of personal growth that interests you.

5. Prioritize your pleasure

Research shows that many dysfunctional relationships rely on sex because intimacy and emotional fulfillment are not available.

Narcissists especially like to use sex as a powerful tool because they are addicted to desire; they must be wanted.

The way they perpetuate your desire is to distribute sexual “affection” according to their own power-driven agenda.

So if your relationship was hot, you still want them sexually. It’s just a fact.

How to live with it? Choose a good vibrator. This piece of plastic is no longer devoid of human love, empathy, or compassion than your ex emotional vampire was.

6. Don’t blame yourself

Now that you can clearly see your ex for the narcissist he was and recognize how unhealthy those patterns were that you have been involved in all along, you are probably ashamed that you let the wool run over your eyes for so long.

You may be wondering how you can be so “naive”, “stupid” or “gullible”. You can be especially ashamed of yourself when you’re with family or friends who have listened long before.

Give yourself a pass. Narcissists are experts in courtship, and you’re only human.

You may have some codependency and self-esteem issues to look into when you’re in a better place, but forgive yourself for now.

Know that your innocence is a good thing. It means you have an open, confident heart — something your narcissist struggles with.

7. Keep your anxiety in check

Your narcissist has probably been keeping you going for months or years, and your nervous system is probably still pulling in that direction.

Quitting can also spark new tensions or fears, making your anxiety worse. Plus, sex has stopped, so you don’t have the dopamine and oxytocin that used to help keep your head above water.

Slow and slow breathing, yoga, dancing, swimming, and other types of exercises. Do something every day when you need to. Here are some low-intensity exercises to help you get over your anxiety.

8. Keep yourself busy

A relationship with narcissists is always about power. They have it; you don’t

You rush to normalize everything, but you never succeed because they want to rush you so they can rock your channel whenever they want. It sounds really gross, and it was.

With no one doing this, there is a great void in your days. Life isn’t that exciting anymore.

To deal with it, keep trying new interests and activities and do your best to connect with your friends as much as possible.

If you stay at home, meditate to calm your mind. Know that you don’t always have to look outside to thrive; it can be found inside.

Final thought

It’s worth preparing to face your tough times. You don’t have to relapse as I did. Just keep moving forward, and eventually, you will return to the person you were before you fell into the narcissist trap.

Only you will be wiser, stronger, and better having overcome it. Use this breakup as a learning experience to know your own worth and focus on your own personal growth.

When you feel you’re ready to date again, go slow. If someone is trying to rush you, RUN !!!!

The love bomb stage is the first trap to look out for.

Build a friendship, understand how that person ACTs and not what they say. Don’t accept excuses, understand or admit lies, and when you rely on these safeguards, you’ll be ready to go out again.