How to Make People Emotionally Dependent on You

“To maintain your independence you must always be needed and wanted. The more you are relied on, the more freedom you have. Make people depend on you for their happiness and prosperity and you have nothing to fear.” — Robert Greene

Most people walk around thinking people become attached to them by chance; that they met their intimate partners or friends and just “happened to” end up bonding with them. But, the reality is, even if we are not conscious of them, there are always reasons why people become attached to us and we become attached to them.

To understand how this happens, you should analyse your past relationships and see what worked and what didn’t. For instance, you can think about how you became attached to an ex and see which traits and behaviours of them drew you in. Similarly, you can think back to when someone became attached to you and try to figure out which of your traits and behaviours contributed to that.

Once you have analysed your past, you can adjust your future behaviour based on that to increase your chances of success in your relationships.

1. Choose the right people

You don’t want every person you meet to become dependent on you. You need to make sure that the person you want to connect with has some benefit to you. This doesn’t mean in a financial or any other superficial way — benefit can just mean you enjoy spending time with them. Either way, they should have something to give you. Otherwise, there is no point in making an effort.

Personally, there are certain personality traits that I am attracted to, such as promiscuity, open-mindedness, independence, confidence, self-efficaciousness, etc. If I meet someone who has these traits, there is a good chance I will make an effort to befriend them because I know they have the potential to be good company. I also know that people with these traits are more likely to accept me for who I am. So it’s always good to know which qualities you value in other people and why and understand your own needs, which will help you decide who to make an effort for and who to not bother with.

2. Help them

The first thing I would do is figure out if there is an opportunity is to help the person out in some way. I don’t mean financially, and I would highly advise against this because you will end up attracting the wrong kind of people who will end up using you. You should instead help people with whatever skill set you have. You don’t need to have any “special” skills — it can be absolutely anything. For instance, when I lived in Japan, I could speak Japanese, and if I liked a foreigner who couldn’t speak the language, I would offer to interpret/translate for them if they needed to. Another example is I’m quite analytical, so if someone was going through a breakup or in a difficult relationship (which is like most people these days) I would help them understand their relational troubles further by explaining what their partner or ex might be thinking or why they did what behaviour and what that means about their personality.

When you help someone and offer them advice, you end up spending time with the person, and you need time to create emotional dependence. Through helping them, you are essentially creating time just for you two to spend together, whilst also showing them that they can rely on you.

3. Cater to their individual needs

Everyone has needs. You should always figure out what someone needs from you and give it to them. For example, I’m dismissive-avoidantly attached and have a fear of engulfment. I need a lot of space, especially at the beginning of the relationship. I also do not like physical contact, such as cuddling and touching when I meet someone. Around 50% of men will pick up on this when I have a one-night stand because I will always physically move away after sex. These men do not try to cuddle and be touchy, making me feel safer and more likely to want to see them again. The other 50% do not pick up on it and try to cuddle, which ends up putting me off. By watching my body language and reading the subtle signs accurately, it’s possible to pick up on this and use this knowledge to make me feel more comfortable and more likely to want to close the distance later on.

Another example is acceptance — everyone wants to be accepted for who they are. Pay attention to people’s own perception of themselves and try to reflect that back at them. Remember that people identify as different things and how they see themselves will affect their behaviour. For instance, someone who draws their self-esteem through being generous and nice is more likely to help people in general because they like to think of themselves as good people. Their self-perception will guide their behaviour towards others.

Similarly, if someone sees themselves as tough, strong and unsympathetic, their behaviour will reflect that. Do not go up to people who are proud of their lack of empathy and say, “Deep down, I know you care about other people”, just because you think being a nice and empathetic person is the right thing and, therefore, what everyone would want to be. Everyone is different. Some people identify as aggressors or bad people; others identify as good people.

Try to recognise how people see themselves and reflect that back to them. Make them feel powerful, superior, attractive, helpful, empathetic, strong, resilient, hard-working or whatever else they wish to see themselves as. We all yearn to be recognised for our individuality, but it’s rare to find someone who can provide us with that, as most people are too self-focused due to their insecurities. If you can give people that recognition, they will want to repeat that experience and seek your company again.

4. Pay careful attention to their individual psychology

This is the biggest mistake people make when dealing with others. They mainly project their own emotions, desires and undesirable qualities at them, failing to recognise others for who they are.

Let me give you an example. I was working as a hostess in Japan (entertainment industry). The job was getting men to buy you expensive drinks, and you would make money from the commission. I had one client who really liked me, and I liked him back, but his aggressive manipulation attempts made me hesitant to meet him outside the bar. I was out with my friends one day, and I accidentally ran into him in a bar with a different hostess. What this client did was he decided not to see me or talk to me for a week (silent treatment) in order to induce insecurity. His assumption was that now that I saw him with another hostess, this would lead me to fear losing him. He then tried to trigger that fear further by disappearing for a little. His goal was that I would be willing to meet him outside of the bar and start chasing after him because of this.

Here is the problem: he failed to realise I am not motivated by fear of abandonment. I value trust over love. Since he met me, he made terrible guesses about what I needed and wanted from the start; he tried to lure me with money, the promise of a relationship and even kids. But he failed to read me accurately and understand my attachment style and that I have a very low interest in romantic relationships (not to mention I hate even the idea of having kids).

If his goal was to draw me closer, he should have been less aggressive, kept the pace slow and made me feel comfortable enough to close the distance instead of promising me things I wasn’t interested in, appearing manipulative and untrustworthy at the same time. He could have observed my psychology accurately by paying attention to how I space out my texts and don’t initiate contact (if I were desperate for a relationship with him, I would have initiated more). Instead, he made an assumption based on what he wanted to see, which was that I liked him and was attached to him to the point I would chase after him. Needless to say, he never saw me outside the bar.

You need to pay attention to these things when dealing with people because each person is unique and desires different things. If you end up offering the wrong thing to someone instead of creating emotional dependence, you will end up pushing them away. For instance, whilst some women love money and want to find a rich boyfriend, some women are offended by the very idea of being seen as materialistic or gold diggers. If you generalise and assume all women want money from you and always try to use that to lure them, some women will be repelled because you are basically insulting them.

Try to focus on people’s individual characteristics and tailor your strategy accordingly.

5. Mirror them

I have explained how to mirror people in detail here:

In addition to that, make sure you draw attention to your similarities. People like those who are similar to them. Opposites do NOT attract — that’s a myth. You need to make sure you always point out your similarities with the other person. Indirect is much more powerful than you telling them directly. For example, let’s say you are dating someone. You can tell a mutual friend that you think you are quite similar, knowing fully well that this friend will probably tell the person you are dating what you said. Or find a way to make them come across your similarities. Use social media as a tool — for example, if you know they share a hobby with you, make a story about it on Instagram so they become aware of your shared interests.

Once I met a guy who was really similar to me. I’m pretty casual when it comes to relationships; I prefer one-night stands and dislike commitment. He was the same. I messaged my friends about it and mentioned that I had great sex the other day. Then sent him a screenshot of the message I sent my friends. However, before saying that we had great sex, I had also told my friends that I had just met someone very similar to me. When he read the screenshot, he also saw that initial comment, which would have placed the fact that we are similar in his mind. He probably read it and thought, “You know what, now that I think of it, we ARE quite similar.”

Your goal is to get the idea that you are similar to other people’s minds, so use any opportunity that presents itself.

Another thing you can do is pick up one of their hobbies. Do not copy people 100% and act interested in everything they do — that will come across as creepy. Instead, choose one thing they like (you can look at their social media to figure it out) and try to engage in it. For example, let’s say you are dating someone who loves anime. Start watching one of their favourite shows and tell them about it. Now you have a common interest you can talk about. If they are a fan, it means they love talking about it, and hence they will want to talk to you more. This gives you more time to spend with them and ensures they are having a good time with you because you are talking about their interests.

6. Support them through a traumatic event

This is the most important thing when trying to deepen a bond. When you help someone out of a traumatic event, you essentially get them to feel indebted to you. I realised this when my friends helped me through my first relationship, which was abusive — I started valuing them so much more and realised how much I needed them. I began to appreciate them truly and decided to make an effort to keep them in my life. I’m still very good friends with the same people now. I was there when they were going through their own traumas, and through these, we became closer.

When someone is going through something, it is an opportunity to deepen the bond. If you help people out of challenging situations, they will become dependent on you. People in vulnerable positions are much easier to bond with because they have a need. If someone doesn’t have a need you can meet, you cannot make them dependent on you. Also, the less someone needs, the more difficult it is to get them to depend on you.

With these steps, your primary goal is to make sure people associate time with you with fun and pleasure. Make people feel good when they are with you. This doesn’t mean becoming an extreme people pleaser and doing everything people want. You must combine these tactics with well-constructed coquetry, which I talked about before here:

You do not need to go too far with this to the point it’s toxic or abusive — just don’t be too available, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Make people feel that you have others around and you are desirable by many. Not in an extreme way where you make them feel very insecure or threatened — always give people reassurance that you like them and care about them but also get them to compete for your attention without going too far. Don’t be ready to please all the time, but make sure it’s good when you do. Make people feel like you are improving their lives. Find their insecurities and alleviate them — this will make them need you and want you in their lives in the future.

While it is possible to apply these steps to get people attached to you, you must ensure you maintain your emotional independence. The way to do that is to work on your self-esteem and learn how to detach yourself from people. I have explained how to do that here:

You should also outsource your needs to multiple people. Never isolate yourself and try to meet all your needs on your own. Accept that you have emotional needs no matter how independent you are and how good your self-esteem is — all humans do. Then find multiple people you can create a bond; this could be friends, family or intimate partners. Never stick to just one person. If you only have one person meeting your needs, you will become dependent on them and lose your power. On the other hand, if you have access to multiple resources, even if you lose one, you will always have different support systems to go to.

If you enjoyed this post and would like to read more, you can subscribe here — https://medium.com/subscribe/@ella_harris to get an email whenever I publish a story. You can also buy me ☕ via — https://ko-fi.com/ella_harris

This post contains affiliate links. If you use these links to buy something I will earn a commission. Thanks.