How to Make Life Easier on Your ADHD Significant Other
Consistency is key
Piper, where’s your collar?
I looked down and asked my dog this question early on a weekday morning.
She didn’t tell me.
Every night when going to bed, my wife or I will remove Piper’s collar so she’s not too noisy as she mills about the house. It usually lands on the kitchen counter within arm’s reach of the back door, but on this particular morning it was nowhere to be found.
After a few minutes of searching there it was…on the living room coffee table.
My wife placed her collar there the night prior, and my ADHD brain had to do a bit more work than normal before even brewing a cup of coffee.
For those who don’t have ADHD, this may seem like a goofy example.
(Okay, it is a goofy example).
But for those who have ADHD, it’s a mini-crisis in the moment. Thoughts of:
Why isn’t her collar on the counter?
Where’d I put her collar?
Did I take it off last night?
Was it my wife?
Why didn’t she put it on the counter?
Piper probably really has to pee.
You get my drift.
Instead of being “normal” and taking a lap around the house, the ADHD mind likes to jump into hyperdrive and over-inflate a minuscule problem.
But that’s not all!
The ADHD brain has a bad relationship with “out of sight, out of mind.”
Say for example the spouse with ADHD is responsible for paying bills (from experience, this is not wise). A system has been established:
- As bills arrive, they’re placed together in a pile on the kitchen counter.
- The ADHD spouse sees the pile, remembers that bills need to be paid, and proceeds to do so accordingly.
However, if the neurotypical spouse did some tidying up and the pile o’ bills happened to be moved:
- The ADHD spouse notices that there are no bills, thus nothing to pay.
- The lights go out and the first thought is to check the breaker box.
From my own experience, out of sight — out of mind is a real problem, and it’s a well documented ADHD related issue at that.
So what’s a loved one to do?
The best solution can be found in one word:
Consistency
Consistency allows those with ADHD to habitually check off the mundane tasks while their minds are focused on something much more stimulating.
Consistency prevents the ADHD mind from going into hyperdrive when they realize something’s amiss, bringing with it a tsunami of anxiety.
Consistency can prevent petty arguments and general frustration within a relationship because it’s easier for everyone to stay on the same page.
Consistency is key.
How to embrace consistency
On the surface this seems easy: do the same things over and over and…
In practice, however, it’s much more nuanced.
The neurotypical brain doesn’t need for things to be as consistent, thus it’s harder to recognize when there is a minor inconsistency. As my prior examples illustrated, even small changes can throw off the consistent patterns to which an ADHD brain has become accustomed.
But through grace and conscious effort, consistency can be achieved.
1. Offer grace when something breaks down
Take for example the bill-paying scenario from earlier. The neurotypical spouse moved the bills, the ADHD spouse forgot to pay the bills, and the result was a temporary state of life before electricity.
As the neurotypical spouse, it would be easy to lose it over such a small glitch in the process. However, doing so will just inflame the situation, making the ADHD spouse feel two feet tall all the while still navigating the house via flashlight.
Instead, as difficult as it may be in the moment, offer grace and accept some responsibility for the situation. Doing so will build trust and set you both up for success moving forward.
2. Make a conscious effort to keep things consistent
If your loved one has ADHD, they have a responsibility to build the necessary structure into their life to help combat the common symptoms of ADHD.
That said, as the neurotypical other half, you have a shared responsibility in meeting them where they’re at as best as possible.
It will never be perfect, conflicts will arise, but applying effort into fostering an ADHD-friendly lifestyle will reduce the number of difficult situations and strengthen your relationship at the same time.
Having an ADHD significant other has its challenges, just ask my wife; but we must not forget that neurotypical or not, we all have a way of bringing our challenges into a relationship.
ADHD is no different.
If you commit to making the extra effort and embrace a hyper-consistent lifestyle, while offering grace to your significant other when needed, chances are many of the ADHD monsters can be swept under the rug.
Who knows, it might just be what ultimately keeps the lights on.
© Jeff Peirish
What tips and tricks have you found that work well within an ADHD — Neurotypical relationship? Share your comments with others and help both sides of the relationship come to better understand one another.
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