When Anxiety Isn’t Just Anxiety

Lessons learned from an ADHD diagnosis at the age of 30

I can’t say that I pay much attention to what the inside of my hands look like when paralyzed by the weight of anxiety. For how often I found myself in this position during the winter of 2020/21, one would think that I would have become proficient at reading palms.

Four months into my new role, the most senior position I had held to date and my sixth employer inside of five years, I found myself paralyzed by work related anxiety. The odd thing was that I didn’t necessarily loath my position. I had a fancy title, Regional Director, and the chance to be part of building out an upstart line of business. I also had direct reports for the first time in my career, while also being actively involved in the decision making of the regional leadership team. Oh, and I also made all of the hiring decisions of field employees, while simultaneously being responsible for the business development and growth of my department.

Looking back, this was a lot, way too much for my plate. However at the time I couldn’t understand why this was too much for me. Shouldn’t this be completely doable and within my wheelhouse? Many other successful professionals have this much on their plate (and much more!), so why not me?

Well, it wasn’t for me, and my paralyzing anxiety was the ‘canary in the coal mine’, if you will.

The Need for Help

After a particularly arduous day that found my face in my hands on a few too many occasions, the conversation of anxiety came up at home over dinner with my wife. A mental health nurse educator herself, she knew that this was outside of my norm. Sure, I’d had bouts with procrastination, boredom, impulsivity, forgetfulness, motivation issues, among other traits in the past, but I had never been paralyzed specifically by the weight of anxiety.

My wife suggested that I see a therapist. A few years prior I had completely scoffed at the idea of therapy when I was having other work related issues.

“Me, therapy? I don’t have any mental health issues…”

Or so I thought.

This time was different. I actually liked my job, yet I couldn’t handle it. Still in the throws of a global pandemic, I knew it was time to sort out these ongoing issues.

From Anxiety to ADHD

In January of 2021 I settled on a therapy clinic I felt comfortable with. Close to home, discreet enough in appearance (because you know, the stigma around mental health), and also supportive of Christian values and clinical approaches. I made the phone call to inquire about services, and we were off to the races.

Therapy did not feel like a natural fit at first. Was I supposed to simply spew my issues while my therapist took it all in? Am I supposed to be asked questions as if I’m being interviewed for a new job?

After a few sessions that didn’t feel noticeably productive, my therapist commented on how we’re going to work through my anxiety and the issues related to it, and mentioned that I may have a “touch” of ADHD. After closing pleasantries that was it, end of session.

That last piece, a “touch of ADHD,” didn’t come to mind again until about four days later. I began to think “how could I have ADHD?” I was never disruptive in school, always sat quietly and behaved myself. I wasn’t running around the room causing chaos and wreaking havoc. I was a good kid, always staying out of trouble, I was just type casted as being lazy and not one to apply myself.

But as things go with ADHD, I had to scratch the itch and dive headlong into researching the ins and outs of the condition. I came across a list of ADHD symptoms from the Mayo Clinic and was immediately struck.

Impulsiveness? Check.

Disorganization and problems prioritizing? Also check.

Poor time management skills? Yup, that too.

Problems focusing on a task? This has to be a coincidence, right?

And the list continued, with me nodding my head yes to almost all of the presenting symptoms.

A few more days of diving down the rabbit hole and I was convinced; I have ADHD, and this was the answer to all of my past and current struggles.

Excitedly during my next therapy session I kicked things off by exclaiming that I think I may have more than a touch of ADHD. We dug into this and after a few more sessions my therapist agreed, recommending that I also see a psychiatrist for a collaborative approach to the condition.

Knowledge Is Power

In my experience, having a formal diagnosis was absolutely freeing. Suddenly my current and past struggles didn’t feel so heavy, instead bringing a new level of positivity into my life. I now had all the resources needed to step forward in confidence; a trusted therapist, psychiatric care for medication management, and renewed hope in what the future could hold.

This is not to say that everything since my diagnosis has been rainbows and butterflies. Medication is just a tool in the ADHD tool belt, and it often needs to be adjusted for effectiveness. Therapy requires continuous work to see through the interventions put in place during those hour long sessions. Knowing where many of life's issues stem from adds a level of responsibility since I now know the root cause.

Yet even though there isn’t a silver bullet cure to ADHD (or most any mental health condition), knowing why you do what you do makes progress feel possible. For those who have struggled without understanding, this is the freeing piece.

Lessons Learned

Nearly a year after beginning my mental health journey, I’m happy to say that I have:

1. A new, ADHD friendly job, ironically as a recruiter of talk therapists.
2. Significantly reduced levels of anxiety, while also having a greater level of cognitive energy.
3. New weapons to combat the ADHD tendencies of my past.
4. An overall improved sense of peace and joy versus the feelings of hopelessness that plagued me before.

My journey has motivated me to give back to others who are struggling with unknown or unaddressed mental health issues. If I could speak with anyone who is being held back by mental health concerns, I would drive the following three points home:

Anxiety isn’t always just anxiety

Short-term, fleeting lows are normal. Life has a way of throwing curveballs that keep us down for a bit. However when there are prolonged low points or frequent patterns of negative emotion, there may very well be more at play. We also have a way of becoming numb to our lows, only to be pointed out by those close to us. Listen to the people you trust, avoid being dismissive of their observations. There’s a strong chance that those who know you the best can tell when something is wrong long before you come to the realization.

Therapy is for everyone

Therapy isn’t just for those who have had traumatic life experiences or suddenly broke down in a public manner. Therapy is for those who are silently struggling. Therapy is for those who may not even realize what’s wrong, but just feel off. Therapy is for those who are doing great and desire to keep things that way. Regardless of what you’ve heard previously, therapy is for everyone.

It’s never too late

Whether you’re sixteen or sixty it’s never too late to begin working on your mental health. Much like anything in life starting is the hardest part, but once started the benefits are often monumental. This monumental progress compounds over time and becomes something you look forward to investing your time into. Once you understand that you still have your whole life ahead of you, it’s easier to take the plunge and begin working on your mental health.

Life has a funny way of throwing unforeseeable curveballs. Sometimes those curveballs come in the form of deep rooted, long enduring symptoms that you never had your eyes fully opened to. Other times these curveballs are much more sudden and jarring, such as breakdown due to a traumatic event. In any case, these curveballs hit most everyone during their lives, making the need to take care of the ‘six inches between your ears’ all the more crucial.

In some cases we can combat these times on our own through pre-established healthy habits. Other times we can lean on those we love and trust, allowing them to help us back to a better state. But in most cases, much like visiting a doctor when you know that broken bone isn’t fixing itself, seeking professional therapeutic services is the best thing for our wellbeing.

I urge those who relate to my personal story to consider beginning a relationship with a professional therapist. Be honest with your reoccurring, negative emotions. Accept that it’s completely okay to not be okay, and that the stigma around mental health can and should be disregarded. And know that it’s never too late to begin working on your mental health, it’s never too late to set a positive example for those around you who may also be struggling.

If you relate and are still on the fence about the whole therapy thing, I would encourage you to reach out to me directly. The least I can do is help you find the courage to step out of your comfort zone and into a healthier place.

Take the first step in escaping the coal mine.

Be sure to bring the canary with you.

And set it free.

Set yourself free.