How to Make Her Feel Safe When You’re Going Down on Her

Help her open, melt, unfold, and unravel…

No matter how generous and loving the act of cunnilingus is, remember that this can be an experience far more intense for your lady than penetrative intercourse. Your presence, sprawled out beneath or curled over the most intimate, guarded, vulnerable place on her body is both exhilarating and terrifying — especially that very first time with a new partner.

Ideally, what you want is for her to be slowly melting, opening, unfolding, and losing herself rather than trying to get the job done within the vice grip of her tensed thighs.

How do you do that?

As you probably guessed: Open your mouth.

“Would you like it if I went down on you?”

Talking through new explorations of intimacy can help female partners feel more comfortable and empowered in the bedroom — which helps them shed their inhibitions a lot faster. Yes, it’s true that some women will love for you to just throw yourself down between her legs and get to work. But a lot of us, especially in a new relationship, would appreciate a slower approach.

Before you even make a move southward, ask her, “Would you like it if I went down on you?” I promise, it’ll still be as titillating as just doing it, but it will show her that she has a say, she’s in charge of what happens to her own body (which is something a lot of women in my generation have not experienced).

If she says no, shelve it for the night, then ask her again the next time you feel so inclined. If she says no again, ask her if that’s something she is interested in exploring and tell her you would love to give her that pleasure. Give her a chance to share what’s behind her hesitation, even if it takes times for her to open up.

“How do you want me to touch you?”

If she says yes, before you leap into position (you sweet, attentive soldier, you), ask her what she wants you to do. It can be so hard for some women to feel courageous, assertive, and supported enough to ask a lover for a specific kind of touch or stimulation. Open that door right away so she can feel confident that you care about what she wants.

Encourage her to be as specific as possible. This shows her that she won’t have to worry about you mistaking instruction for criticism, which feels incredibly freeing.

Further, it can be extremely arousing for both of you as she lists specific stimulation that she enjoys:

I like a really gentle, flat, licking stroke over my clit.

I like a hard pressure with the tip of the tongue while you have two fingers inside me.

I like to have my clit sucked/flicked/nibbled.

Ask her to show you what she likes to see if you can create a similar sensation with your tongue. Regardless of your success in this endeavor, just the attempt of her showing you as you observe can be such a turn-on for both parties.

Before you really get into it (because this message isn’t going to land as hard once you’re camped out between her legs), assure her that you would like for her to verbally direct you as if she were reading from a script. Let her know that you are open to hearing a non-stop string of constantly varying instructions.

“What position do you want to try?”

I found that my partner and I almost always defaulted to the traditional posture of me on my back, him between my legs. When I was feeling confident, it was such a rush for me to splay myself out like that. But at other times, I felt anxious and exposed.

I wish I would’ve been brave enough to ask for a new position, like lying on my side with one leg up. And honestly, I’ve always gotten so turned on by the thought of doggy-style oral sex. That really gets my inner wolf going, but I’m not sure I would ever be brave enough to try it.

Maybe she wants to hover over your face, or lean back against a bunch of pillows so she can be sitting upright, rather than lying down. Maybe she wants to hang upside-down on top of you while in your living room recliner. (Not that I’ve tried that one…)

Remember that a lot of women are dealing with another basic anxiety when it comes to a man putting his face down there: Unlike you, we’re anatomically exposed not only front-wise, but back-wise, too. It can feel extremely vulnerable to have a lover’s face one inch from our asshole.

For those of us who have never tried rimming or other ass play, we sometimes feel insecure having our backsides so exposed. Hell, I even feel nervous when having sex on all fours (one of my favorite positions) because I know my ass is out for all the world to see. It can be scary.

So help her find a position in which she feels safe and only as exposed as she wants to be.

“Where can I put my hands so you will feel supported?”

Yes, you’re probably gonna need a hand to manipulate the accessibility of her clit at some point, or to use to internally stimulate her, but it feels really good, as the receiver, to experience the comfort and connection of our man’s hands on us, when they are available.

The first time my former partner went down on me, my hands were lying just alongside my hips, fingers clenched as tightly as the rest of my body was at that moment. I remember he slid his hands along the mattress, folding his fingers into mine as he licked me, and I felt so supported by the gesture that my thighs suddenly splayed apart, in the flagrantly wanton position I had been trying so hard to avoid (one which I later came to embrace).

I also loved it when he held me by the hips, his fingers digging into my skin just a little bit. That’s such a steadying, comforting, supportive touch, which also happens to be incredibly hot.

And if your partner likes her breasts and nipples to be touched as much as I do, she might ask you to reach up and give them a pinch or a squeeze from time to time, or to grasp tightly at one breast just before she climaxes. (Mmmm, yes please.)

“Do you want to come while I’m down there?”

The vulnerability of orgasming in such an intimate posture might be too much for some women. As much as I want for every woman on the planet to brazenly climax as often as possible in any position she likes, it’s just not possible for everyone to let go that much. And that’s okay.

Further, different times of the month make for very different feelings about our bodies, and very different sexual needs.

When I’m ovulating, I feel confident and sometimes even beautiful, and it’s ridiculously easy for me to come. (Thank you, Mother Nature!) If my partner went down on me at this time of the month, I was happy to let him take me all the way home.

At other times of the month, it was much, much harder for me to get off from oral sex (no doubt, thanks in part to my lack of ability to be more clear about what I needed from my partner) and I preferred for him to just spend a few minutes down there as a bit of foreplay fun, rather than making it a main course.

She might just want a little teaser. Or she might have a hard time allowing herself to climax in such an intimate position (though keep gently reminding her how much you would enjoy that). Or she might very heartily accept an orgasm from your tongue if she primarily needs this kind of stimulation in order to come.

Whatever the case, it’s always nice to be asked.

And one last note…

Don’t give her negative feedback on her nether regions in any manner, whatsoever, if you ever want to be able to part her thighs again. Anything that is not said as a compliment could trigger her worst insecurities and make it very difficult for her to open up and enjoy this experience again.

Definitely say:

Your scent turns me on so much.

Your skin down here is so soft.

I love how wet you get when I go down on you.

I love the way your hair feels.

Remember, our culture has shamed women so much for the way they smell, the amount of discharge they produce, and for the presence of body hair. Say you love it or at least keep your mouth shut.

And don’t even think about asking her to shave or wax for you. I realize a lot of couples will do that for one another, and if you get to a place where you can openly and easily talk about that, wonderful. But in the meantime, if she’s getting your hairs in her mouth when she blows you, you need to chill out and give her the same acceptance.

I’ve had a lot of hairs in my mouth over the years and you know what? I’m fine with that. That means I’m enjoying sex with a grown-ass man.

It’s not a big deal. Get over it.

Making oral sex feel safe for her is really about one simple thing: Communication. So much of good sex is.

Talk to her. Ask her questions. Find out what she needs.

The more she trusts you and feels that you have her back (or front, rather), the more she’s going to want to ease those thighs open for you again and again.

© Yael Wolfe 2019

And don’t forget how to make her feel safe when she’s going down on you: