How to Make $1000 per Month on Medium Naturally and Without Any Drugs
There’s hope yet.
I know you’ve heard it before, the old adage — “you can’t make money on Medium without the use of performance-enhancing drugs.” Many of you have tried to write without taking any drugs. I know it’s hard. I’m here to guide you on how you too can make at least $1000 per month on Medium, drugs-free.
No more cocaine to make your hands type faster, meth to keep you awake and make your hands type faster, or testosterone injections to make you aggressively type faster…
These things can be done without. Now, I know I am at risk here of trying to sound like Jesus in the bible story, ‘The Feeding of the 5,000’ where Jesus miraculously multiplied food through magic. But this is not magic I’m preaching. You really can make money on Medium without any drugs. You know how I know? I’ve done it myself.
There are 10 tricks in total:
1. Write while you’re high
Wait. Shit. Scratch that. That’s for a different article I’m writing… What I meant to say was, write about your most insufferable good experiences. Tell your readers how you got 16 Top Writer Statuses in 3 days and made $12,500 in 5 minutes on Medium. Tell them how you didn’t even know the English language until the second you started out on Medium and how you have no experience in writing in any language either.
Whereas your readers may gag a little every time they see another one of these articles written by you, they’ll also read them. They’re all masochists. They want to be hurt by generic advice again and again.
2. Insert a “positivity-syringe” into your articles
Ahhhh… The toxic positivity. It’s when your positivity makes others want to scream on the inside and on the outside. Did you know, there are over 1,500,000 ways to say, “You can do it,” and none of them even mean anything? Well, that last part doesn’t matter because it won’t stop you from writing about it.
Be like Donald Trump when he said he only got a small loan of $1 million from his father when he started out and conclude to your followers that therefore anyone can make it — even through such unfavorable circumstances. Don’t empathize with anyone. All adversity must be overcome and there is no tolerance for people not able to do stuff because — for instance — they have a family to take care of and a full-time job so they can’t write as high a volume as other writers. Remember the “No Empathy Rule.”
“Fuck those losers” — Mahatma Gandhi
So the second trick is, write that ‘everyone can do it’ in as many words as possible every day.
3. Be Medium-curated
Just do it.
How do you do that? Just write the writing really, really well — as my grandfather would say. All kidding aside, you should just be Medium-curated if you want to make $365,000 in 2, 1/2 days on Medium. I’m surprised more people aren’t doing this.
There’s another old saying that comes to mind now:
“Make a man Medium-curated and he will be Medium-curated for one article. Teach a man how to become Medium-curated by giving him vague advice on writing well and you will get paid for teaching him.” — somebody, somewhere.
Once you do become Medium-curated, it is also your duty to write 10 x 10-minute-long articles about how to do it — just out of the goodness of your heart!
4. Comment generically on other people’s posts
“Very inspiring. Much motivation. Wow. So relatable. Many good words.”
People love reading this kind of stuff in their article’s Comments Section so they are sure to become Medium members just to go on your profile where they will read all 150 articles you’ve written so far — word for word.
I think Terry Mansfield once said, “Reciprocity be bringing in the $$$.”
(I actually don’t mean that. I like Terry’s writing)
But seriously, if you’re not dropping 4,000 comments per day, what are you even doing on Medium? Once you get to my level where you’re making $1.4 million per week, you’ll be able to outsource your Medium account to people in Asia that will comment “Very positive. Much wow,” on other people’s articles for you.
5. WRit€ fOr bíG pUBliçations
I know you’ve never heard of this one before. There is a rumor — a myth — of a 1 billion follower publication on Medium. According to stories, this publication can only be found on nights when there is a full moon. And if you find it, and get added as a writer, you can post your articles where 1 billion people are eagerly awaiting to see them.
So be on the lookout for that publication during the next full moon. It’s called “The Flying Dutchman Publication.”
6. Quality over quantity, but also quantity
You should focus on quality writing rather than writing a lot. But you should also write a lot. Sounds simple. Right? It’s no wonder that writers for most big publications like The Startup, ILLUMINATION, The Writing Cooperative, and P.S. I Love You are now on Molly as well as the cocktail of drugs I mentioned at the start.
But the best drug cocktail for writing on Medium is the subject of a different article — here. (that’s not really it)
So how in the flippitty-flip-flop can you write really high quality as well as writing a lot all the time? Is alcohol the solution? No, the only solution I’ve found is to write crime articles about Latino killers. This is because Latin people — Spanish descendants especially — have really long names. For instance, if I write about the murders of Jose Maria Juan Gabriel Angel Capri Perez Aguilar Garcia De la Santa Maria Juana all I have to do is simply use his full name TWICE in the article and I’ve already got 10,000 words before I’ve written anything else.
7. Ride on the coattails of what’s already been written
If you see someone write about something that interests people, write a different take on that exact same subject. At the cost of being funny, I’m gonna say that’s actually not bad advice (don’t plagiarize).
But do this every time. Original content is for losers anyway. That is how I started making $3.5 billion every 5 days on Medium.
8. Start your own publication and make it have 100,000+ followers
Bear with me here while I break down the complicated science. If you have a publication that has 100,000 + followers, chances are people might read some of the stuff you post there, no matter how ‘re-hashed’ and ‘tired’ it is. So, at the very least you should have a publication with that amount of followers that only accepts mostly your own writing — which is always featured at the top — as well as a few golden nuggets from other people.
I just don’t understand why more people don’t have publications with 100,000 + followers. Don’t you see that owning a publication that big makes it easy for you to have your work noticed?
If you want to make $154 billion like I did yesterday, owning your own HUGE publication is a must.
9. Be a famous, best-selling author in real life and ask people to read your blog
One of the easiest ways to get people to read your blog is to be famous, to begin with. So, what I’m saying is that you should have already become part of the Hollywood elite, become a Fortune 500 CEO, or been a World-class athlete. Here’s a success I made earlier.
If you haven’t achieved any of the things listed above, then you should have at least become a world-famous author of J.K. Rowling caliber. Then, all you would have to do is tweet to your 9 billion followers that you also blog — and they’ll read it! Of course, don’t forget to upset some gender minorities in between tweets.
10. ME? SARCASTIC? NEVER.
When you’ve run out of things to write about… or you’ve just had a really long day, write really sarcastically. I must infuse this message with another quote by Mahatma Gandhi:
Send nudes. Not hate.
Wait. That’s not the one. That man said so many inspirational things I get confused. I think the one I’m looking for is,
“Sarcasm makes the world go round.” — Mahatma Gandhi, 2020.
So there you have it.
That’s exactly how I made almost USD $2 trillion (10% of the U.S’s annual GDP) in the last 24 hours on Medium.
Thank you for reading and have a good day. Thanks, Terry Mansfield for the quote.
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