How to Become a Top Writer on Medium
My experience with the Medium platform.
Before we get started, yes, I’ve already tried the commonly recommended advice of sleeping with Medium’s curators and editors. It didn’t work. They kept telling me that my performance in bed had nothing to do with the fact that my articles sucked too hard for them to give me a Top Writer status.
If you’re like me, and this approach hasn’t worked for you either, despair not! There are ways to cure you of your Top-Writer-lessness in just a jiffy — ways that worked for me.
And no, this article does not tout the written-to-death advice about writing quality articles.
There are 5 key steps that I mastered while on my journey to becoming a Medium Top Writer:
1. Practice Writing Titles in a Temple in the Himalayan Mountains
Naturally, the first thing that comes to mind when you ask yourself how to become a Top Writer on Medium is: “What would Batman do?”
He would train in the mythical Shangri-La temple in the Himalayas. So that’s exactly what I did. I wrote titles for Medium articles every day while sadistic monks were pouring ice-cold water on my balls.
I also stood balanced on one foot atop a tall bamboo stick for hours each morning, again while writing article titles.
I was whipped with bamboo canes by some more monks while I tried to think of keywords for the titles of my articles.
If I did not write at least 10,000 Medium article titles each day, the monks wouldn’t feed me — which I suspect was because they were all very thin and didn’t have much food, to begin with.
So after writing a total of 13,748,922 titles in just 2 months in this temple, I started seeing complex equations around me all day — like I was hallucinating. Except they were equations for writing the perfect article titles — good enough to earn me Top Writer statuses.
“What is the keyword density?”
“Does my title explain clearly what the fuck is going on?”
“Did I misspell simple words like ‘cat’ again?”
These are all questions that I learned to ask myself every day before writing any article title. No, I’m not suggesting that you copy this valuable advice. You should go to the Himalayas and receive the same training I did in order to become a Medium Top Writer. It’s the only way.
2. Practice Choosing Images in a Himalayan Temple
“Practicing stuff in a Himalayan temple is the cure-all.” — Batman
What I also did for 10 days straight was sit outside atop the cold Himalayan mountains — not sleeping, not eating — and stared at snow.
Yes, I know you can go snow-blind from doing this. I am currently getting treated. But really, I spent 10 days doing nothing but looking at white snow. Sometimes, I wished for the quick release of death, but then my Buddhist Monk Leader/ Ralph Macchio from Karate Kid came over and put his hand on my shoulder. He said:
“You owe us another $500 for your training.”
I knew immediately that this was a test of my perseverance. So I emptied my pockets and waited out in the snow for another few days. If I was not given this advice by the monk I don’t think I would have had the willpower to continue.
After staring at snow for 10 days I became better at choosing images for Medium articles for some reason.
3. “The Easiest Route is Not Always the Right Route”
This is something Ralph Macchio from Karate Kid also told me during my training at the infamous Shangri-La.
“The easiest route is not always the right route.”— Ralph Macchio
I took this to mean that I should stop writing about what I know and focus on complicated topics that I didn’t understand. Even though my sensei had never even seen the Medium platform or read any of my blog posts, I’m sure this is what he meant.
What really helped me to secure my multiple Top Writer statuses on Medium were my articles on Pseudo Rocket Science, Psycho-Synergy, Astro- Archaeology, and Medicine.
I thought, “Medium wants experts, so an expert they shall have.” I did not care to write a disclaimer at the top of my articles explaining that I have no idea what I’m talking about. Thankfully, Medium curators also had no idea what I was talking about — so they assumed I must be that smart and gave me Top Writer statuses.
4. Practice Writing in a Himalayan Temple
Yes, this is only the fourth most important thing on the list of things you need to do in order to become a Top Writer. But how does one practice writing?
If you said by writing, you’d be wrong you little sarcastic prick.
No. It’s by visualizing.
I visualized writing articles every day while at the Shangri-la temple while balancing on top of 7 stacked chairs on the peak of Mount Everest — which is near the Shangri-La. This helped me focus — mostly on not dying, but also it brought clarity to my mind vis a vis which articles I should write and which I shouldn’t write. I suggest you do the same.
5. Practice Gratitude
The only thing less important than practicing writing for becoming a Medium Top Writer is practicing gratitude. How do you practice gratitude?
By giving people small bribes so that they may be grateful to you. Yes, in order to become a Top Writer, you need to set aside at least $1,000 a month — a small investment for someone truly committed to a writing career — and use it to bribe editors at publications to put in a good word for you with Medium’s staff.
You will never know whether anyone actually said anything about you in order to help you become Top Writer, or if they just kept the money… but that’s just part of the game.
Concise Summary
- Practice writing titles at a temple in the Himalayas.
- Practice looking at snow for days on end to increase your clarity and help you to choose better featured-images for your articles.
- Write about stuff you know nothing about.
- Practice writing not by writing but by visualizing.
- Bribe people.
This is how to become a Medium Top Writer in 5 easy steps.
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