How To Know When It’s Time To Weed the Friendship Flowerbed

The healthy side-effect of COVID19 on our friendships

What is a friend? To me, a true friend is someone who celebrates our authentic selves. Who raises us up during times of hardship. Someone who jumps in the passenger seat, whooping and wailing, to support us on our adventures. A friend is someone we bear our soul to without fear of judgment. Our genuine friends want the best for us. They make time and space to see us. They do not resent us or indulge in unhealthy comparisons.

“In a friendship, you get to know the spirit of another person and your values coincide.” — Maya Angelou

Friendships ebb and flow. Some people are great at staying in touch and some people are not. I have always placed intense importance and loyalty on my friendships. Perhaps to a fault. I invest enormous effort into my friendships.

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

They say people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Yet, sometimes those we thought were lifetime friends evaporate. I struggle with this. I grieve the friendship and I perceive this as a rejection and a failure on my part.

We empathize with the heartache of a romantic relationship breakup. Yet, as acknowledged in this article we don’t often discuss the emotions involved with the loss of a friendship. Yet, the grief from a friendship breakup can be as devastating.

We save some romantic relationships with counseling. I’ve never heard of friends attending counseling to save their friendships? Yet, it could well be beneficial.

The friendship losses I suffer from the most are those which have labels and expectations. I thought my “best friend” and I would be lifetime friends. We traveled together. I introduced her to her ex-husband, listened when the relationship broke down, and introduced her to her current fiance. I was a bridesmaid at her first wedding and now I’m unsure if I’m even invited to her second wedding. Yet the thing is, I don’t want to go. What happened? Where did things go wrong?

I’ve always been the person to drive friendships. You know, I would organize socials, introduce people, initiate contact, check in on others. I would make excuses for friends who didn’t message me or who repeatedly canceled on me. I laid myself bare. I was so busy trying to keep everyone else happy and service my friendships that I didn’t notice who was a genuine friend and who wasn’t.

My world collapsed when my K9 soul mate passed away. It spun my life upside down and changed me as a person. It was the catalyst in transforming my extroverted self into an introvert. For a long time, I didn’t have the energy or inclination to maintain many friendships. I embraced a journey of self-discovery and finally started to tackle my people-pleasing habits. The most significant impact was on my friendships.

Weeding the Friendship Flowerbed

I have come to recognize when a friendship is dying. If I have done all I can, I accept the demise and stop trying to preserve it.

Friendships are like flowers. They are exquisite when we nurture them. If we put in the effort we receive something spectacular back. A flowerbed in bloom is beautiful and captivating. For our flowerbeds to flourish, it helps if we pull out the weeds.

Now let me be clear. A weed is simply anything that grows where you don’t want it to. A rose can be a weed. We need to recognize when our friends become weeds in our friendship flowerbeds. They may look beautiful in someone elses’ flowerbed. But they aren’t conducive to our own flowerbed.

How do we know when enough is enough? How do we know when to enforce our friendship boundaries and lean into the power of saying “no”?

Here are 4 signs to look out for, which have helped me realize when to weed my friendship flowerbed.

# Sign 1 — lack of reciprocity

Reciprocity is vital in a healthy friendship. We all have different things going on in our lives. Sometimes we may find ourselves carrying a friendship for a while. Which is fine, provided it is temporary. For instance, when my friends have babies I expect to make most of the effort during this period. But I need something back, eventually.

As a recovering rescuer, it is difficult, but I’ve learned to stop investing my time into friendships that aren’t reciprocal.

# Sign 2 — energy changes

Pay attention to who your energy rises and falls around.

Sometimes there seems to be no rhyme or reason why a friendship has changed. If you think of a friend, or receive a message or call from them. What is your gut reaction? Do you feel a sense of dread or unease? Or are you genuinely delighted? Sometimes those who once brought us the greatest energy can become our biggest energy drain.

I now avoid spending too much time with those who sap my energy.

#Sign 3 — unsupportive

We can outgrow old friends. During a period of personal growth, our development may cause friends to feel threatened. Sometimes people aren’t comfortable with change. Yet growth can not happen without change. An unsupportive friend may say your plans or ideas are “ridiculous” or you will “never do it”. Your friend may say they have your best interests at heart.

As I put greater focus into a structured training plan. Some friends around me suggested I was taking on too much, or that I was taking my running “too seriously”. They didn’t engage me in the conversation about what was inspiring me, what my goals were and how my changes were bringing light into my life. They simply jumped on the defensive, how I was making them look! They applied their definition of “too seriously” to me. Our definitions did not match up.

Sometimes when friends aren’t as supportive as we would expect, there may be jealousy at play and even an element of schadenfreude.

I have distanced myself from those who act as a glass ceiling.

#Sign 4 — gossip

It’s very simple. If your friend is willing and eager to gossip about others to you. I guarantee you will be the subject of gossip between your friend and another person.

I have listened, uncomfortably as an old friend slandered person after person. And then watched online as they interacted with their slander victims lovingly on social media. I can’t stand the insincerity, it makes me prickle.

The damage gossip can cause is insurmountable.

Talk to me about your dreams, passions, plans, and ideas. Don’t bring me your gossiping drama. I don’t spend time with gossipers.

Friendship Breakups

Breaking up with friends is difficult. Do you just stop getting in touch? Do you talk things through and outline the friendship is no longer serving you? Or do you both drift apart and stop contacting each other? I guess it depends on the circumstances.

The friends I have distanced myself from aren’t necessarily bad or toxic people. I harbor fond memories of them and wish them the best. But I need to be kind to myself and recognize when a friendship is not conducive to my own wellbeing. This distancing and untangling has caused me great sadness and hurt. Yet, I know it is for my own good.

I believe COVID19 has shown us who our true friends are. I read an article a while ago, which suggested it was not fair to measure friendships against our behavior during COVID19. The author stated it was narcissistic to expect friends (who may be struggling) to contact us during a pandemic. I disagree.

This pandemic has shown us, that no matter your circumstances everyone has struggles. Yes, some more than others. But this is not the struggling Olympics. Would a true friend really not check in on you? At all? Throughout the whole year and a half of this pandemic? No, I do not believe that is a true friend. And it is certainly not a friendship I would invest in. Would you?

COVID19 allowed us to take stock of our friendships. For me, there were some people I missed dearly and was desperate to see. Whilst there were others I barely thought about and if anything I recognized had become a habit in my life.

At the start of this pandemic, I checked in on a lot of people. Some replied. Some didn’t. Some then initiated contact with me and we look out for each other. Oh, the power and beauty of reciprocity. What a sense of wellbeing and belonging a healthy friendship brings.

Those who I haven’t really heard from — they are not bad people. Yes, they may be struggling. But there is a correlation. The same people who I haven’t felt connected with during the pandemic are the people, who in reality have not been my true friends over the last few years.

Growth Can Come From Friendship Loss

Has COVID19 fast-tracked the demise of our struggling friendships?

COVID19 has helped me see my friendships clearly. It has facilitated my friendship flowerbed gardening skills.

Sometimes we don’t need to weed friends out altogether, rather we may replant them in a different area of the flowerbed. I have some friends who I will go to the end of the world for and other friends who I will go to the end of the street for. Knowing if someone is an end of world friend or an end of the street friend, helps us control our expectations. It ensures we don’t give away too much energy in the wrong direction.

Ultimately we can’t service an unlimited number of friendships. Weeding out stale friendships makes room for the growth of new friendships. This article suggests we have up to 5 intimate bonds and up to 15 close friends. So whilst the end of a friendship can be distressing, remember — when one friendship fades, another will bloom.