Free Yourself And Say “Yes” To The Power Of No

There is often a joy in missing out

She didn’t say anything. But her facial expression and eyes were screaming at me. I could hear her accusation, even though they were her internal thoughts.

“You’ve changed!”

When people say “you’ve changed,” it is often meant as a negative. You may well have changed or you are in the process of changing. We can not achieve personal growth without embracing change. And if we remain the same person for years, just to please those around us, we are cheating ourselves.

But very often, people around us feel threatened by our change. We can not stagnate ourselves. Staying small and inconspicuous, for the comfort of others.

I now take the “you’ve changed” accusation as a compliment. And if those around me can’t handle me stretching myself, learning, and developing, this is on them.

You see, our personal growth causes others to compare their own static misery with our positive transformations. How they react to our growth is their choice.

• support and encourage us and take inspiration from our development.
• resist us and try to stop any development for fear of change itself.

Needless to say, when friends and family support our development, our connection grows. When they resist it, fractions occur and we may untangle from them altogether.

The Weakness of “Yes”

For years I was a “yes” person. No matter what I was asked, I said yes. Regardless of whether it was convenient to my life. I believed saying “yes” was empowering and made me approachable. Saying “yes” made me popular. I was easy to be friends with, I was helpful and I got things done. Saying “yes” helped me fit in. Fitting in was always so elusive to me.

I often said “yes” as I felt I should, not necessarily because I wanted to. I felt an obligation and loyalty to the person asking me.

I’m an empath. I am desperate for those around me to feel happiness. I internalize the emotional pain of others and over the years I made it my responsibility to fix and heal this.

Heck, a random date turned into a 6-month relationship solely because I didn’t want to hurt the guy's feelings. Isn’t that ridiculous?

But I became a dumping ground. I was the person people would call in their hour of need. At the time, I liked it, I was a rescuer. I hate seeing others struggle. But I didn’t notice when I myself struggled with the hurt of feeling left out or taken for granted. Yet, I was the one putting myself in this position in the first place.

This article outlines some pitfalls of saying “yes” perpetually. It includes compromises to our own wellbeing and self-care, an increased risk of burnout. It also places greater demands on our time and emotional energy.

In the past, my good nature was exploited and I felt myself starting to feel resentful and underappreciated.

If we are to be of use to anyone, we must learn to put our own oxygen masks on first.

The Power of “No”

I feared saying “no” would lead to isolation and negativity. The idea of saying “no” to others caused me to question my kindness. I hadn’t quite grasped that kindness to others should not require us to sacrifice kindness to ourselves.

Gradually the word “no” entered my vocabulary. If there was something I didn’t want to do or didn’t want involved in. I simply uttered that one little word. Oh, the joy of missing out!

And guess what — nothing bad happened. Well, not immediately. I didn’t suddenly combust. But, my world certainly shook, and life as I knew it shuffled like a Rubik’s cube.

By saying “no” I was learning to set boundaries. This article highlights our urge to explain ourselves when we set boundaries. When we are explaining, we are losing. There is no need to offer any explanation. We must be confident in our stance. It is ok to say “no”.

To be clear, don’t say “no” just for the sake of it. Listen to your gut, listen to what you want, and go with that. And certainly don’t say a resounding “no” to your boss unless you are ready for unemployment.

I’ve said “no” to all the running in certain friendships. I’ve said “no” to some WhatsApp groups. I’ve said “no” to social arrangements I dreaded. I’ve said “no” to repeat cancellations whilst still expected to rearrange. I’ve said “no” to allowing myself to be picked up when needed and dropped when my job is done. I’ve said “no” to those who have tried to stifle my growth.

But with all these no’s. I’ve said “yes” to giving myself space and time to grow. I’ve said “yes” to receiving love and respect. I’ve said “yes” to nurturing fulfilling friendships. I’ve said “yes” to listening to my gut. I’ve said “yes” to my own happiness.

Transitioning Shakeup

So here’s the thing. I did lose some people when I learned to say “no”. I would be lying if I suggested this one little word had magic powers and turned my life into relationship bliss. But what it did, was separate the wheat from the chaff.

I hadn’t seen a great friend in such a long time, despite living a few miles apart. We had plans to meet up when she messaged to ask if another of her friends could join us. I knew the friend she was referring to, I’ve spent time with her and we don’t gel. We aren’t friends ourselves.

The old me would have gone along with this. Despite knowing the vibe would be different and I wouldn’t get a proper catch-up with my friend. When I said “no” all hell broke loose. I was punished for saying no, which makes me wonder why I was even asked in the first place. It seems this has become a major undoing for what was once a beautiful friendship.

I grieve the relationships which have suffered as a result of my growth. But, this has allowed space for other relationships to flourish. Relationships based on mutual respect and love. Relationships based on reciprocity and emotional honesty and integrity.

Take Away

Of course, I still do some things I don’t particularly want to. But that is part of life. But I no longer say “yes” to the wrong people.

How do we figure out who the wrong people are? I hear you ask. Very simply — through saying “no”. The right people will accept “no” and respect your honesty and time. They won’t disappear when you give less of yourself.

Heck, the right people will never ask too much of you in the first place.

When you say “no” to the wrong people, they may cause a scene. There may be drama and if they can’t adjust and accept your growth, they will fade out of your life.

Since saying “no”, I have more clarity in relation to what I want to say “yes” to. I have become my own best friend and I don’t allow others to jeopardize the friendship I have with myself.

I have put myself on the outside and I have fewer people in my life as a result. But I feel richer with the depth of relationships I do have. I feel valued and appreciated. I am now surrounded by cheerleaders, not leeches.

Our authenticity blossoms when we say “yes” to the right people and things and “no” to those that don’t serve us.

Big shout out to Orla Kenny and her piece Sometimes You Just Have to Fight which beautifully encapsulates the power of saying “no”.