Anecdote |Perspective

Finding Calm in Grief

Sometimes the universe sends a sign

Is grief easier if you are religious? I suspect faith provides a certain comfort. Yet, here I am, drifting between agnostic and atheist. Whilst my mind does not subscribe to religion, I wish, to some extent, I had faith.

I consider myself spiritual. If we pay attention to the whisperings of the universe, we can hear all sorts of wonderment.

Disorientation of grief

When Jasper died, my world caved in. Her passing disoriented me, causing mental chaos. Even the simplest of things had no sense of order to them.

I have written before of the love I shared with Jasper and the heartbreak of losing her.

The Stages of Grief

Three days after Jasper died, the rush of condolences came to a head. Aside from my beautiful German Pointer; Zac, I found myself poignantly alone with my grief.

Denial

With my sensibilities confused and my movement an effort; as if I am walking through quicksand. I almost can’t recognize myself. I am numb to my now black and white environment. I am overcome by a physical and mental struggle. To accept and admit that my soulmate, Princess Jasper, is no longer with me.

My urge to find a connection to Jasper is overpowering. I feel a compelling draw to find some sort of comfort in nature. This calling brings me to my local hills, where Zac and I set out walking, aimlessly, with no set time scales. No destination or goal. Our only purpose is to be with each other, feel Jasper’s presence, and invite the landscape to wash away our fog.

Anger and bargaining

To begin with, we have beautiful sunshine with piercing blue skies. Then it all changes. The grey engulfs us and the thunder clouds growl. We continue walking through a waterfall of rain. Dragging our feet through bogs and puddles. I hold my face up to the sky and feel the rain exorcising my despair. It feels good.

A storm grows in my core. A tornado in my soul, whirls and stirs my insides until I spit out shouts of anguish, cries of pain, and screams of “why”.

All of a sudden, the grey falls away, the rain eases and warm rays kiss my cheeks. The perfect conditions for a rainbow! I frantically search the skies for the inevitable rainbow. I feel my heart, desperately thumping, in my chest. Jas is not over the rainbow, she is the rainbow. She must show herself, just this once, for me, then everything will be ok. Where is she? But – nothing.

Depression

The rain stops, the blue skies re-emerge, the opportunity for a rainbow diminishes. Cheated. Vacuous inside and deafened by the silence around me. I stand motionless. Broken, lost, and alone. Empty and numb, devoid of the energy to take another step.

It is all too much, and yet not enough at the same time. I summon the energy for one desperate attempt at finding Jasper. I shout for her. I call her name, as if she is just out of sight, sniffing in the heather or following the scent of a pheasant. I whistle for her to join me. I beckon her desperately and repeatedly. At that moment, a part of me believes Jasper will come bounding up; tongue loping out and tail wagging.

Luckily, the only witness to my breakdown in the hills, is nature herself. Nature does not judge, nature listens and provides answers.

I pause, looking across the valley. In this freeze-frame of time, a full arch rainbow appears across the horizon. I collapse to the ground, struggling to breathe. I am laughing, crying, and overwhelmed with the joy of the moment. My little Princess Jasper, she came to me; always so obedient.

Acceptance

Jasper is not over the rainbow, she is the rainbow. But, as quickly as she made her appearance, she made her disappearance, leaving a sense of calm in her wake.

We continue our walk, but this time there is a bounce in my stride and a lightness in my movement. A calm washes over me like the effects of a powerful meditation session. The fog lifts and my senses return.

I’m not quite sure what happened here, but I know it is not a coincidence. I know this is a sign from Jasper. A hug from the universe, a restorative transcendence.

Sometimes, all we need is to get out in nature.

Let rainbows house your grief

Grief is often described as love without a home — let the rainbow be the home. Each time a rainbow graces your horizon, take the time to stop and think of late loved ones. Feel their presence. What messages would they have for you?

I take comfort in knowing Jasper will always be in my heart. Each rainbow sighting is a blessing and causes her embers in my soul, to glow that little bit brighter. This glowing feels like her snuggling into me.

I am confident I will always feel the warm love of my Princess Jasper, and for that, I am eternally grateful.