How to Help Other People Find The Motivation to Change
By using motivational interviewing techniques.
Have you ever experienced a lightbulb moment? People describe these as moments of sudden inspiration, revelation, or recognition. I experienced my own lightbulb moment just a few days ago as I was reading Adam Grant’s newest book, Think Again, which explores “the power of knowing what you don’t know.”
I was struck by a moment of recognition where I suddenly had the perfect words to describe something that I couldn’t have defined even an hour before.
For years I’ve struggled to find the perfect words to summarize how I approach coaching and influencing others to change at work. When asked about my leadership style in interviews, I’ve been able to come close to the “right” description, but I’ve never quite hit the nail on the head. I always walk away with a nagging suspicion that the interviewer didn’t really understand what I meant, and I only had myself to blame for that.
“I tend to influence others through questioning,” I would say when asked. “Rather than telling them what I think outright, I help them draw their own conclusions by asking the questions that will help get them there.”
That description wasn’t wrong, per se. But it didn’t fully capture the nuance of how I influence those around me. Whether I’m coaching employees, influencing peers, or persuading senior leaders, there has always been more of a method to my madness than my words did justice to.
It wasn’t until I came across a concept in Grant’s latest book that the lightbulb turned on, and I suddenly had the words to describe what has become the core tenet of my approach to leading people; Motivational interviewing.
In psychological terms, motivational interviewing is a “counseling method that helps people resolve ambivalent feelings and insecurities to find the internal motivation they need to change their behavior.”
And while I’m not a counselor, I have spent my career working in human resources, which means some days feel like I am one — albeit without the degree.
In many ways, it’s my job to influence the people around me to change just like a counselor might. Whether it’s the employee who can’t seem to hit deadlines, the senior leader who treats their team like garbage, or the colleague whose communication style is detrimental to the team’s morale, my job is to help them find a better way to work. Leaders don’t maintain the status quo; they influence change.
And while I’m pretty good at doing this, I’ve been really bad at explaining how exactly I do it. That is, until my lightbulb moment.
According to Grant, when it comes to motivational interviewing, “the central premise is that we can rarely motivate someone to change. We’re better off helping them find their own motivation to change.”
He says that when people ignore your advice — as they often do — it isn’t necessarily because they disagree with the advice you’re giving them.
“Sometimes they’re resisting the sense of pressure and the feeling that someone else is controlling their decision.”
The process of motivational interviewing relieves that pressure. And it’s only once the burden of that pressure is removed that a person can claim the space needed to explore their motivations and decide to make a change unbridled by the expectations we put on them.
The process of motivational interviewing involves three techniques which are:
- Asking open-ended questions
- Engaging in reflective listening
- Affirming the person’s desire and ability to change
Here’s how you can use this technique to help people find the motivation to change within themselves.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Those who know me best will tell you that they know whether I agree or disagree with a decision based on the number of open-ended questions I ask about it.
I’ve worked for bosses that have taken a much more direct approach to express their disagreement with decisions. Frankly, observing this taught me what not to do.
Spoiler alert — Coming out of the gate by telling someone why you disagree with them and how they should think differently tends to shut people down pretty quickly.
Not only that, but it usually causes them to dig their heels in even further, anchoring themselves to their point-of-view.
Personally, I’m less interested in explaining to someone why they’re wrong and justifying why I’m right. I’m much more inclined to lean into humility and curiosity to make my point.
Grant says, “The goal isn’t to tell people what to do; it’s to help them break out of overconfidence cycles and see new possibilities. Our role is to hold up a mirror so they can see themselves more clearly, and then empower them to examine their beliefs and behaviors.”
This is how we influence others to re-think their positions in a way that inspires change. By using open-ended questions to shine a light on their beliefs, Grant says, “they develop more humility about their knowledge, doubt in their convictions, and curiosity about alternative points of view.”
Check, check, and check. We’re well on our way to influencing change.
Engage in Reflective Listening
Grant explains that “when we try to convince people to think again, our first instinct is usually to start talking. Yet the most effective way to help others open their mind is often to listen.”
To do this well, Grant says we need to listen for “change talk,” which is any talk “referencing a desire, ability, need, or commitment to make adjustments.” When we hear “change talk,” our role is to ask about how and why that person might make a change and then listen intently and respond reflectively to what they say.
But being quiet and truly listening are two different things. Too often, we listen to respond. We listen just enough to prove our point or to prosecute theirs. Reflective listening requires us to tap into our natural curiosity while simultaneously resisting the temptation to fix or change others.
It requires a genuine interest in understanding the human being on the other end of the conversation.
Grant says that while many listeners are interested in making themselves look smart, “great listeners are more interested in making their audiences feel smart. They help people approach their own views with more humility, doubt, and curiosity.”
The result is that “when people have a chance to express themselves out loud, they often discover new thoughts.”
Affirm the Person’s Desire and Ability to Change
Only once you’ve established a trusting relationship is it time to engage in a dialogue about change. Even then, it’s not about pressuring the other person to accept your views. Instead, it’s about having an empathetic and non-judgemental discussion that affirms the person’s desire and ability to change.
In the book, Grant shares a series of motivational interviewing experiments. The findings showed that those who engaged in motivational interviewing “felt less pressure to avoid contradictions in their thinking, which encouraged them to explore their opinions more deeply, recognize more nuances in them, and share them more openly.”
The thing is that whether we agree with someone’s decision or not, their decision is just that — it’s theirs.
We’re there to help them explore their opinions more deeply, free from judgment, while simultaneously affirming our confidence in their ability to make an informed decision without our stamp of approval.
My style of influencing others has never been about being right. I certainly don’t have all the answers, nor do I claim to.
It has always been about helping other people re-examine their beliefs and behaviors in the spirit of making better collective decisions.
As Grant says, “When we succeed in changing someone’s mind, we shouldn’t only ask whether we’re proud of what we’ve achieved. We should also ask whether we’re proud of how we’ve achieved it.”
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