How to Get Your Writers @$$ in Gear! The Lazy Person’s Guide

Yes, you too can manage to make your early mornings productive and your writing habits healthier by following this hand, dandy set of suggestions for lazy writers! It will help your mind become more alert so you can pump out that award-winning essay, novel, or whatever it is you are working on!

I read an article written by Phyllis Romero called Writing Can Be Hazardous to Your Health first thing this morning. Really first thing as in 5:23 am, according to the phone on my chest. Last night I was taking a break from writing in bed. . .

What’s that? Yes, Of course I know you shouldn’t write In bed! Hell, I’ve written articles saying Don’t Write In Bed! We all fall off the wagon some nights so get off my case!

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, last night while I was taking a break from writing you know where, and put on a Netflix video of a show I’ve been binge watching. It’s not that great of a show so I won’t mention the name, but it’s mindless and stupid and comes complete with a laugh track — remember those?

So, it’s perfect for when I’m feeling burnt out or frustrated or something just isn’t working with what I’m writing. The problem is that since it’s mindless if it’s already late, I’ve been known to fall asleep watching it. That was the case last night.

So since I went to sleep (okay, fell asleep) earlier than usual, I woke up before 5:30 am. I’d love to add, “raring to go” to the end of that sentence but I don’t ever wake up raring to go and definitely not when I’ve fallen asleep fully dressed with my bedside lamp on, my phone on my chest and my computer next to me. . .

Now what? Oh for heaven’s sake — Yes, I know having your phone and computer in bed with you is bad for sleep. Yes, I know all that blue light suppresses melatonin and is supposed to keep your brain alert disrupting your sleep but the point is I FELL ASLEEP anyway! That’s the point I’m trying to get across! And it’s not even a major point, so can I get on with it? Thanks ever so much!

So, there I am, 5:30 in the morning, it’s still dark out, I feel yucky having slept in my clothes (I had brushed my teeth earlier so please don’t interrupt with a dental hygiene service announcement!) under a scratchy afghan, with my hair was still pulled back so sleeping on the ponytail had left me with a headache. I just woke up feeling out of sorts — you know the feeling.

So, although I know it’s best to get out of bed early in the morning, this morning it seemed unlikely to be something I did immediately, at least not before I’m forced to get up for coffee to prevent a caffeine headache. At that point, I might have a shot. Before that? Not so much.

Still laying on my back, I yank the scrunchy out of my hair and pull my computer the scant few inches needed to reach me. I put it where I often do when I am breaking either the Sleep Hygiene Laws or the Wake-Up Hygiene Laws, leaving myself open to arrest by the Slumber Police, or the Rise-and-Shine Police, respectively. I prop the bottom of the keyboard against my stomach with the keyboard itself laying on an angle against my bent knees.

Okay, so there I am, trying dutifully to start my work day (Stop! Just stop! I could have gone back to Netflix, at least I could have if my phone was charged, but I started reading articles instead! Do you think you could knock off the criticism!) I go to Medium and open the article I mentioned above.

It’s a great article too, all about the things we do as writers that can negatively impact our health. I took it to heart. I intend to follow the advice, really I do. The only problem is it’s still o’ dark thirty and I just can’t manage the up and atem I needed to in order to follow the advice.

But I’ve kind of committed to doing so in a comment I made on the article. What’s worse, I’ve kind of committed to doing so right then and there. $h*t! I can’t make a commitment to another writer and not follow through! It would be the epitome of bad form.

Plus, the article talks about the possible health problems that can result from being sedentary such as sitting (or laying) around typing all day. We probably all are aware of this but the article provides a list of illness that a sedentary lifestyle is linked to and provides this warning:

“Harvard Health highlights that we’re at a higher risk of developing these illnesses when we are sedentary. What’s more, we’re at an elevated risk of premature death.”

Yikes! Okay, I’m listening.

But what about those days maybe we can’t quite get out of bed the second we get up or what about those of us who tend to write on our backs?

What if I adapt some of the advice? That would still technically be keeping to my commitment, and also provide the health benefits I need, right? Right!

If any of this sounds familiar, or you just aren’t a morning person who sings about bluebirds on your shoulder or that annoyingly chipper song from Singing in the Rain when first opening your eyes in the morning, don’t worry. Simply adapt the Mommy and Me Workout, substituting your laptop for the baby! As you get stronger or if you have a really light laptop just roll over and grab one of the hardback books you’ve probably got laying around or leave one laying around for just this purpose.

So here’s my adapted version, AKA

How to Get You're @$$ In Gear — The Lazy Person’s Guide:

1. Laptop Curls

Laying on your back, prop your closed laptop above your pelvic bones but hold it so it isn’t resting against your bent knees to make sure you’re using its weight. Slowly lift your head and shoulders off the (bed — shut up!) floor while contracting your stomach muscles. Lower. Do this 15–20 times ending with one you hold for a count of 12.

2. Reverse Laptop Curls

Laying on your back, bring your knees toward your chest and rest your laptop on your shins. Contract your abs and tilt your hips up off the floor as you lift your head and shoulders at the same time. Lower slowly and repeat 15–20 times.

3. Laptop Bench Press

Lie on your back, knees bent. Contract your abs and squeeze your shoulder blades together. Bring your laptop close to your chest then straighten arms pushing laptop up until arms are perpendicular to the body. Lower the laptop back to the starting position. Do 12 reps.

4. Laptop Overhead Press

For this one you have to sit up. Come on, you can do it! Sit cross-legged, holding your computer in front of your chest with elbows bent. Slowly, straighten your arms upward then lower your baby to the starting position. Don’t lock your elbows. Do 12 reps.

5. Laptop Bench Press

Lie on your back, knees bent. Contract your abs and squeeze your shoulder blades together. Bring your laptop close to your chest then straighten arms pushing laptop up until arms are perpendicular to the body. Lower the laptop back to the starting position. Do 12 reps.

For those of you who are more active first thing in the morning you can add some other exercises that require standing (the rest of us can add them when forced out of bed to get coffee.) Try some of these to get your blood pumping and your muscles singing. (Okay, singing might be a bit much but just go with it will ya? It’s still before 6:00 am for Pete's sake!)

• Laptop Plies
• Laptop Lunges
• Laptop Heel Raises
• Two-Handed Laptop Bicep Curls

And my all-time favorite, to add a bit of light cardiovascular activity, put on some of your favorite music, hold your computer tightly to your chest, keep your stomach pulled in and tight and do some laptop dancing. (No, I didn’t say tabletop dancing but you can do that also if you’d prefer!)

By this point, you should feel awake, alert and ready to write! And with a few quick repetitions throughout your day you can keep your mind alert and focused even as you help your body remain healthy.

If you find you aren’t remembering to get up during the day, try setting an alarm. My phone is set to make the sound of an explosion every two hours if I don’t get up before then to exercise and turn the next scheduled demolition off. Good luck, good health, and good writing!

Thanks to Phyllis Romano for the inspiration for this piece.

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