How to forgive someone after a major betrayal
Has your partner or spouse betrayed you in the worst possible way? This is how to forgive them and move forward for peace.
by: E.B. Johnson
We aren’t always guaranteed a smooth ride just because we love someone. Relationships are challenging, and building a life with someone else is tough. Without meaning to, we can find ourselves slipping up, making mistakes, and betraying the people we love with our actions (and inactions). In those instances, it’s crucial that we look inward, take responsibility for our actions, and find a path to forgiveness no matter how we choose to proceed.
Has a loved one in your life betrayed you? Have you found yourself betrayed in the worst possible way by a partner or a spouse? Betrayals completely change our relationships and they change us too. They destroy our trust and even our faith in ourselves. While we can come back from them, it’s a process that takes a lot of work and a lot of commitment from everyone involved. If you’re ready to forgive, then you have to work slowly and find better channels for communicating honestly and openly.
Sometimes we choose to move forward.
Being betrayed by someone you love is a challenging experience that scars us in a number of ways. When we build trust with someone, we let down our walls and learn how to be vulnerable to them. We allow them to see our wounds, and all the little broken places which make us feel insecure or worthless. That’s not easy to do, so when it’s betrayed it can cause a serious loss of self and trust.
Some aren’t able to come back from such a loss of faith. In these instances, the relationship breaks down, and the parties involved go their separate ways. There are other instances, however, in which both parties decide to make things work. They might sit down and talk things out; decide that their lives together are happier than lives lived apart.
Sometimes, we choose to move forward with someone who betrays us — and that’s okay. We have a right to pursue the relationships we want to pursue, and we alone know what’s best for our futures. If a loved one has lost your trust, you can find a way to forgive them. It’s going to require you to take conscious action every day, though, and it’s going to require a partner or spouse who is equally committed to repairing the damage caused by their betrayal.
What happens when a loved one betrays us.
Why is being betrayed by a loved one so devastating? It’s devastating because they are the ones who know us best; the ones we let in and let down the walls for. When someone betrays you it feels like a mark on your own character. It also corrupts our emotional states and sense of balance and stability.
Loss of trust
Being betrayed by someone we love is a disaster when it comes to our sense of trust. Trust is a cornerstone of any relationship. It allows us to settle down and open up to someone else, safe in the knowledge that they won’t exploit us or harm us. When this happens, it causes a huge rupture in our perception of faith. Being betrayed by someone you love completely erodes your long-term trust in them and everyone else like them.
Eroding self-esteem
Just as our trust is seriously impacted by the betrayal of a loved one, our self-esteem too can take a calamitous hit. Internalizing the actions of the other person, we come to see ourselves as wrong for their mistakes. Perhaps we blame ourselves for not seeing their betrayal sooner, or we become angry at ourselves for not seeing who they truly were all along. Either way, we lose faith in ourselves and our ability to choose people we can trust.
Emotional distress
Emotional distress is a common side effect of a newly uncovered betrayal. It can quickly develop into something far more serious, though — dysregulation. This occurs when we lose total control of our emotions and give them the keys to our kingdom. We might notice a physical response as well, as our thoughts get fuzzy, our heart races, and we begin to sweat and breathe heavily. This level of emotional distress, if not dealt with, can lead to some serious consequences for your health.
Wanting revenge
We like to think that revenge feels good, but it’s an incredibly negative desire that does more to salt the earth than fertilize it for us. When we set ourselves on revenge, we destroy our sense of compassion, and often our true sense of justice. We get so caught up on “getting even” that we forget to heal and to process the range of other emotions that are still left over from the initial betrayal.
Complex trauma
Being betrayed by someone close to us is serious, and it takes a serious toll on who we are and how we feel within ourselves. It’s a sort of complex trauma, and one with a number of side effects. You might experience somatization, in which you develop a number of medical problems as a result of prolonged stress. In addition, complex trauma can cause altered attention and consciousness, as well as impulsive behavior. This trauma eats away at who you are until there is little left but insecurity and regret.
Avoiding vulnerability
Do you regularly avoid vulnerability with your partner? Has their betrayal caused you to believe that you (or your deepest parts) aren’t safe with them? When someone seriously betrays us, it makes it impossible for us to be vulnerable with them again. Intimacy begins to falter, both in the bedroom and outside of it. We don’t talk; we don’t tell them about how we’re feeling. We stop opening up to one another and sharing the effort of healing and moving forward.
Widening divides
Putting together a relationship is a bit like keeping two ships in formation. At times, the sailing is smooth, and it’s easy to keep one another close and in place. As life becomes more challenging, though, we notice natural divides and little breaks of space where shadows can get in. These divides widen in the wake of a major betrayal and cause the waters of our relationships to go turbulent and hard to navigate. The widening divides, over time, destroy our relationships through destroying our ability to connect and empathize.
Shift in perspective
Perhaps the most jarring consequence of betrayal is the radical shift in reality that it causes. Before the betrayal, we see our partners and our relationships in a very different light. Once that light has been snuffed out, we are left standing with only our shadows to acknowledge. We see our partners for the flawed, corrupted person that we are. And we see too that our own way of knowing is flawed and corrupted too. To be betrayed is to experience a total shift in perspective and the way you see the world around you.
How to forgive someone you love after a major betrayal.
When we love someone, letting them go can feel more painful than finding a way to repair things. If that’s the case, then you and the person that you love have to come up with a new plan of action. Within that, you need to stop internalizing the blame and the both of you need to take some time and space to heal and figure out what you want from life and love.
1. Stop internalizing the blame
It’s hard to accept when someone we trusted betrays us. Not only does it hurt our emotional state of being, it reflects on our ability to see others (and ourselves) for who they are. We begin to blame ourselves for their mistakes when it comes to this type of thinking. Why didn’t I see it? I should have known. This internalization is toxic, though, and a barrier to forgiveness.
You have to stop internalizing the blame and accept your partner and their behavior for what it is. Don’t make their actions your own. They chose to betray you; they chose to commit acts that hurt you and your perception of them. That’s on them.
We are only responsible for our behavior — no one else’s. We cannot change the people that we love, nor can we force them to respect us or see us as something that they don’t. Accept your pain, but accept no guilt in this process. Sure, issues within your relationship might have opened the door…but they are the ones who decided to walk through it. When we love one another, we talk things out. We don’t betray each other.
2. Open honest communication paths
When our relationships find themselves tumbling down the path to betrayal, it’s often precipitated by a loss of honest communication. As humans, we crave communication and we use it as a basis for everything. We have to communicate to fall in love, and we have to communicate to say in love. When this dialogue breaks down, we begin to drift and that’s when the betrayals come into play.
If the two of you have decided to get things back on track, then you need to get focused on reopening those honest channels of communication. Drop the stonewalling and start opening up again. Share how you’re feeling, and talk about what you want to do next and why.
When things go wrong or you get hurt with one another, promise to address it in the first instance. Stop avoiding one another and waiting until the conflict has reached a fever pitch. The more open you are with communication, the easier it becomes to forgive one another and see things from differing points of view. Are you truly committed to moving forward? Get honest and communicate with one another intentionally and mindfully.
3. Give yourselves space to heal
Though we like to believe that forgiveness is a matter of a few simple words, it’s actually far more complex than that. Forgiveness is a process, and it’s one which — depending on the severity of the betrayal — can take a lot of time and energy. We need to give ourselves space to process our thoughts, our emotions, and the new perspective we’ve been forced into. We have to give ourselves space to heal so we can find an authentic path to forgiveness.
Even if the two of you have decided to stay together and work things out, you need to give yourselves space to process and heal what’s been going on. Our emotions are complex and volatile, and they can come and go in stages for weeks at a time.
Don’t try to put yourselves right back into the places you were before the betrayal. Those people are gone and forever changed. Live in the present moment and give yourselves enough distance to figure that out. Get back in touch with your social circles, and branch out to rediscover those parts of self which can help you navigate the healing process. Seek out self-esteem and seek out peace. Both will help close the wounds.
4. Make rebuilding a mutual effort
We cannot rebuild a relationship with only one person. They take as many people to rebuild as it does to build them. If you are the only one committed to piecing things back together, you will never have all the pieces. You and the person who committed the injury have to find ways to repair the damage together, and heal both as individuals and as partners and friends. Want to find forgiveness that works? Make rebuilding a mutual effort.
Put just as much energy into fixing your relationship as you did destroying it. Eradicate the divides by finding more effective and enjoyable ways to spend your time together. Give yourselves something to look forward to as a couple, and reward yourselves for the small strides you make getting things back on track.
Don’t allow yourself to do all the work while the person falls back into the same old habits. Get your hands dirty and get serious about meeting one another in the middle. Meet halfway and use that point as your foundation for building something new. While things can never go back to what they were, they can be even better than before. You both have to work, though, and strive to forgive yourselves together and as individuals too.
5. Don’t rush into happy endings
Once you’ve decided to forgive someone who has betrayed you, it’s important that you don’t rush into assuming happy endings. Finally, finding the strength to say, “I forgive you,” is a relief — but it’s not the end to the story. After betraying someone, we have to work doubly hard to ensure we never allow ourselves to hurt them that way again. It’s not always a gamble that pays off, however, so it’s important to remain alert throughout the healing and recovery process.
Don’t assume that the person you love will change or put a stop to their destructive behavior permanently. Don’t expect them to take responsibility or work on themselves — even if they promise to. While you can’t expect the worst, you need to live squarely in reality: someone who has hurt you once, can hurt you again.
Remain open but don’t turn your back on all your assumptions. To forgive someone does not mean you give them license to take advantage of you. If your partner begins treating you poorly or sliding backward once the apology has been granted, take a stand for yourself. Set boundaries alongside your forgiveness and use them to protect your interests and your wellbeing. Forgiveness is not allowance. Hold that truth to your heart always.
Putting it all together…
Being betrayed by someone we love is one of the hardest experiences we can overcome in this life. It tests our patience, but it also destroys our trust, confidence, and sense of self. Not all relationships end with betrayal, however. Sometimes we find it within ourselves to forgive, but this is a process that takes the commitment and perseverance of all involved.
Stop internalizing the blame on your own. We are each responsible for our own behavior and the decisions we make in this life. Let your partner keep what’s rightfully theirs. Open up to one another and re-engage those channels of honest dialogue which got lost along the way. Slowly, become vulnerable with one another again and allow that vulnerability to move you to forgiveness. Give yourselves time to heal and realize that it’s a process, not a matter of overnight acceptance. You both need time to re-calibrate and readjust to your new reality. Make the rebuilding of your relationship a team effort and stop picking up the slack or accepting a one-sided approach. Successful relationships take two committed partners to build. Settle for nothing less and understand that forgiveness alone is not always enough to guarantee the happy ending.
