How to Date Someone with Low Self-Esteem without Losing Yourself

Never date a man with unresolved insecurities unless you are willing to help him change.

I don’t get why men are so obsessed with heights. I dated this man who never allowed me to wear heels whenever we went out.

I was still young and knew nothing about setting boundaries. So basically, I did anything that made my partner happy.

The guy was 5.3 ft, and he was twelve years older than me. I’m 5.8 ft, so adding a 4-inch heel made him “look like a dwarf.” His words, not mine.

When we first started dating, he asked me to meet him at a club. I came in wearing a six inches heel, and the dude freaked. He asked me to go and change my shoes, and I told him I didn’t come with a spare and my house was one hour drive away to even consider going back.

Throughout the night, he avoided me. He didn’t talk to me and pretended we weren’t even on a date. When we got to his place, he scolded me and said I should never wear heels again if I really wanted to be with him.

I was mortified, but I obeyed.

I stopped buying heels and more of flats. With time his insecurities kept piling up, but meh, there is so much a girl can take.

After we broke up, I stopped dating men shorter than me. I can’t have someone making me feel inadequate whenever I’m around them.

Now I avoid dating people who don’t control their insecurities and try to push their fears on me.

The root cause of our insecurities

We all have our own insecurities. Even the most confident person thinks they have flaws.

Despite our education, work experience, or expertise, we feel insecure at the most inopportune times. We feel like we don’t belong in a certain circle or that someone is way above our league.

There are many reasons why we feel insecure, but some of the most common reasons are childhood neglect and social anxiety.

The bond between a child and his parents has a strong impact on their sense of personal security. It begins to form in early childhood and serves as the basis for building subsequent relationships in that person’s life.

The child may develop an insecure attachment style due to trauma or neglect. This leaves them with emotional fears that can hinder their sense of self-confidence.

Social anxiety, on the other hand, distorts a person’s perception of their self-worth. It makes him believe that others are constantly judging their actions. The fear of being judged and considered not good enough makes these individuals feel self-conscious.

Insecurities are rooted in fears, and these fears can wreak havoc on your mental health unless you learn how to confront your insecurities.

What you should do if he’s insecure about you

An American study has shown that many men do not want to spend their lives in a “competitive” relationship.

Men may appreciate an accomplished, successful woman, but they don’t want to come home to a stressful, competitive environment after spending all day in a similar type of work environment, and neither do women.

As women become more successful in their careers, they don’t want to come home to an aggressive, hard-headed, controlling man.

So if he’s insecure about your success and independence, there is really nothing much you can do. The best thing you can do for yourself is to avoid dating such men.

But if he’s willing to try and work on his insecurities, these tips can help him feel more confident in himself.

Be a good listener

Even if what your partner has to say is difficult to hear, try to stick with it. A conversation has to go both ways for it to work. Try to start by acknowledging their perspective may be different from yours.

Being a good listener requires that you give them the space to fully express how they feel without judging them.

Try to be understanding

Everyone has their insecurities, including you. The only difference is that some hold onto theirs more than others.

If your partner feels insecure about a particular instance of rejection that bothers you, take a bird’s eye view of the situation. Instead of dismissing their fears, try to feel their emotions when they talk to you about them.

Help him confront his inner critic

When we feel insecure about something, it’s usually all in our heads. Nobody’s holding us back as strongly as the voice inside our head.

To help your partner become more confident in themselves, you have to help them reframe their perception of the negative stories in their head. Help them tear down that wall they built to protect themselves through daily positive affirmation, love, and compassion.

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