How to Construct a Life You Love from the Ashes of the Life You Lost

Just when you think joy has escaped you, it arrives again

Plans go awry. That’s life. We can dream our dreams and make our plans, but we cannot control everything. Sometimes, the most carefully crafted dreams come crashing down on us, and we’re left standing in the wreckage wondering what exactly we’re supposed to do next.

Grieve. It’s not the answer we want, but it’s what we’ve got. The next thing we’re supposed to do is grieve. The answer we want, of course, is a solution for the pain we feel that doesn’t involve feeling it. We want a clear path to emerge. We don’t want to hear that we’re the ones who have to make it.

How to Rebuild a Life from Disappointed Dreams

I’ve been at this crossroads many times. When I changed my career. When my marriage fell to pieces. When I fell in love and then faced yet another ending. I have built so many versions of my life on top of a graveyard of decaying dreams.

It sounds morbid, I know. But I have found that loss creates fertile ground for growth. We just have to get through the grief and allow ourselves to imagine the possibilities.

Imagine the Possibilities

I chose Imagine as my word of the year. I wanted to allow room for change and possibility. I wanted to believe that things would work out even if they don’t work out according to my own careful plans.

I began to consider what the life of my dreams would look like. I didn’t need the specifics, not at first. I needed the general idea. What vibe did I want to create? How did I want my life to feel?

Start with Small Steps

Then, I began to get down to the essentials. I considered what aspects of that dream I could bring to life now. I knew there were steps I could take to begin making my life look like the one I loved.

When my relationship fell apart, I remembered that my one goal following my divorce was to buy a house on my own for my children. So, I set out to do just that. That doesn’t sound like a small step, but I started with looking at listings and speaking to a real estate agent. I started to line up my financing and look at what I wanted and what I could afford. It was something I could do — a step forward when I felt like I was lost in grief.

I had put off this goal when I thought I was building a future with a partner. I’d thought I would build this dream with him. But when it became clear that the future I had envisioned wasn’t going to be my reality, I began to plan for the life I wanted without that relationship. Once I had my house, I asked myself what was next for me.

I shaped a life. I planted a garden and nurtured it. I decorated my house and made it feel like a home. I created a schedule that felt good for my family, and I surrounded myself with people who made me feel like my truest self.

I let go of the previous dream to create a new one. I could have sat back and waited for life to happen to me, but I decided to embrace the opportunity to create something new for myself. In this new dream, I could believe in love again. I could build a life with happy children who have a happy mom.

Grieve for as Long as It Takes

It’s possible, but the hard truth is that it starts with grief. We have to feel the loss, disappointment, and rejection. Putting it off won’t make it go away. It will not help us heal. We have to feel the grief until it goes.

No amount of maneuvering will skip this step. We might try to deny it or ignore it, but it will seep into the lives we’re building. For me, the grief happened in stages. I began making my plans and creating new dreams while simultaneously grieving the loss of the life I had imagined. It takes as long as it takes. We cannot hurry it. But we can choose to work through it while we build new lives.

Choose Joy

I almost wrote chase joy, but really we choose it. We decide that we’ll be happy no matter what circumstances befall us. We don’t embrace toxic positivity and pretend nothing is wrong. We just choose to see the beauty around us — even when we’re hurting.

Joy may not always feel possible, but we can keep trying for it. We can center it in our lives. We can make sure that we remember that happiness is possible even when it feels like we’ll never be happy again. As we move forward to build an intentional life, we more easily access joy.

Curate Your Life

Every aspect of rebuilding my life was created with intention. I thought carefully about how I wanted to feel and how I wanted my life to look. I considered the big picture and the daily routine. I made choices that resonated with the life I was building.

I also intentionally removed things from my life. I stopped spending time with people who tolerated me but did not enjoy my company. I stopped bogging my week down with pointless obligations. I began to carefully curate the life I was creating with every decision I made.

New Dreams Emerge

When careers don’t work out, or relationships fall apart, new dreams can emerge. We just have to believe that a good life is not only possible but absolutely in our hands. We just have to keep trying.

When I was left disappointed, I didn’t know if I could manage to rebuild my life once again. I had done it too many times. I felt defeated and discouraged. And I kept feeling that way until the feelings passed — as they always, eventually, do. We set our hope on the knowledge that joy inevitably returns. We just have to stop blocking the door and allow it to enter.