5 Signs You’ve Finished Breaking Your Own Heart

Because you can’t have nice things until you do

I don’t like to brag, but I’m quite good at breaking my own heart.

It’s not a skill that I set out to master. Surviving trauma made me really good at overcoming challenges — but equally bad at seeing when my behavior was creating them.

Trauma will have us sabotaging ourselves in a way that we can’t even fully see or understand. It was only when I came through trauma therapy that I had enough distance and perspective to see how my own choices had made my life harder. Other people might have let me down, but it was my own choices that kept breaking my heart — not theirs.

I’m done now. I’m breaking the cycle of toxic relationships.

A casual lover questions whether I’ve actually broken the cycle. I can understand why. I must seem outrageously confident given my relationship history. But something changed in me. Something powerful. I healed enough to get clarity on my behavior and to finally understand that my happiness has nothing at all to do with anyone but me.

“We can’t be so desperate for love that we forget where we can always find it; within.” ― Alexandra Elle

5 Signs We’ve Broken Toxic Relationship Cycles for Good

There are signs that we’ve finally turned a corner and left those self-sabotaging behaviors behind.

We Prioritize Communication

I used to do a lot of things that broke my own heart. I made assumptions. I had unrealistic expectations. I had unhealed trauma that made me feel insecure within relationships. I didn’t ask for what I needed or speak up when I was struggling.

Want to know a key sign of breaking the bad relationship cycle? We prioritize communication. We insist on it. We don’t think it’s weird to want to know where we stand; we know it’s necessary. In fact, we won’t put up with partners who refuse to provide us with the clarity we need.

When I wonder what’s going on, I ask. When I need something or need clarity, I speak up. It’s not easy for me to communicate well or ask for help, but I know that if I don’t, I’ll end up in yet another relationship where my inability to communicate breaks my own heart.

“You will never gain anyone’s approval by begging for it. When you stand confident in your own worth, respect follows.” ― Mandy Hale,

We Reject Incompatible Relationships and Unhealthy Behavior

I have a master's degree in counseling, but I should have one in Excuses. I could excuse nearly any behavior. Sometimes, I ignored red flags, but other times, I was attracted to them. I formed trauma bonds and stayed in relationships where chemistry was rated so much higher than compatibility or character.

When we start breaking cycles, we start changing the way we interact with others. I stopped making excuses and started letting their behavior speak for itself. I stopped ignoring red flags, and I’m simply not attracted to them anymore. I had truly sizzling chemistry with some people but could state unequivocally that anything beyond a casual relationship would be out of the question due to a lack of basic compatibility.

I stopped showing up to dates when I had a whole lot of doubts. I became uncompromising with my dealbreakers. I was able to acknowledge unhealthy behavior without dehumanizing anyone in the process. I could say that “this works for me, and this doesn’t” without drawing any conclusions about their character or mine.

“Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.” ― Shannon L. Alder

We Begin Making Healthier Decisions

There’s evidence that I’ve broken the cycle of breaking my own heart. I already make better relationship decisions. I’m perfectly happy being alone when the alternative is being in an unhealthy relationship. I know that I can meet my own needs, and I can want someone in my life without needing them there.

To build self-trust, it’s important to begin making those healthy decisions. Every single time we make a good choice, we reinforce our progress. It was tough to tell a prospective partner that I no longer believed we were a good match, but it would have been so much worse to keep going down that road when I could already see the end. It didn’t feel good to do, but it was reassuring that I can make hard decisions if they’re in my best interest.

“Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

We Unpack Our Baggage and Resolve Our Feelings

A picture of my ex pops up unexpectedly on my timeline review. I don’t hate him. I’m not angry. I’ve given all the love I can, and I’ve made peace with that part of my past.

Sometimes, we think that we’ve broken our cycles, but our bitterness about the past clearly indicates we have more healing work to do. We might be able to secure a healthy relationship with aspects of that bitterness beneath the surface, but we’re so much healthier when we work to find closure and make peace.

I know that if I had been more healed and more self-loving, I would have walked away so much earlier from so many of my relationships. I can see that now. It’s why I know that the next time love is no longer being served, I’ll have the strength to stand up, thank them for their time, and walk away. It may have taken a long time, but I know I deserve love and belonging.

“If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then you’re allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.” ― Shannon L. Alder

We Commit to Love and Honor Ourselves

I was always so invested in loving and honoring other people that I neglected myself entirely. Now, I’m committed to loving and honoring my own wants and needs. I’m taking an active role in building a beautiful life, and it’s founded on the idea that I matter as much as anyone else.

My relationship history is anything but self-loving — until now. I know that I can be a strong partner for someone else, but I won’t be giving up who I am anymore in exchange for keeping someone by my side. I know the right person would never ask me to do that in the first place.

“Life is too short to waste any amount of time on wondering what other people think about you. In the first place, if they had better things going on in their lives, they wouldn’t have the time to sit around and talk about you. What’s important to me is not others’ opinions of me, but what’s important to me is my opinion of myself.” ― C. JoyBell C.

No More Breaking My Heart

Other people can certainly break our hearts. It took a long time to heal from the last time I fell in love. There’s something indescribably painful about experiencing love bombing followed by devaluation. The intensity of the trauma bond made it feel impossible to leave. Once the relationship ended, it would take years to recover from the pain and grief.

But if I’m honest, while he was busy breaking my heart, I was doing it, too. I should have left the first time I noticed that the affection was being withdrawn. I should have walked away when I realized that the once-good relationship was good no longer. I should have, should have, should have … but I didn’t because I couldn’t.

This is common in trauma survivors. We break our own hearts because stress and pain are familiar to us. We know how to survive. Until we heal, we just can’t quite figure out how to thrive.

Lately, I’ve been adjusting to a new normal. A happy normal. A peaceful normal. Days where no one makes me feel bad for being myself. Days where I don’t just stand there and take mistreatment like I deserve it.

Life is good — and it’s hard, too. I know my heart is capable of loving again — and breaking. But I also know that I’m done breaking my own heart.

I’m finished being part of the problem. I’ve got love to give, but I pick up the bar and raise it all the way up to where it should have been in the first place — where it would have been but for trauma — and take a deep breath. My heart is full, and this time, I know I’ll take good care of it.