Why So Many Women Are Hard on Men: The Truth and Nothing But

Do I qualify as a hater? Let’s take a look.

I’m laughing when a lover tells me that I’m cynical and come across as hating men. I can’t argue the former since my pragmatic attitude probably does tilt toward cynicism. But the latter? Look, I share hilarious memes, and I have a dark sense of humor. Sometimes, it’s been a great coping strategy when relationships have disappointed.

But here’s the truth, and nothing but: I don’t hate men. I don’t believe an entire gender is trash. I do want to obliterate the patriarchy, but one of my reasons is because I think patriarchal systems hurt men, too. It’s not about hating men, but I can see how some people might mistake that for my brand.

There are actually good reasons why so many women are hard on men. I’d like to explain the rationale if you’d like to save all “man-hater” comments for the end please.

Why Women Are So Hard on Men

Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one. ~Marcus Aurelius

Sexism and the Patriarchy

A really big reason that so many women are hard on men is because of sexism and the patriarchy. We’re socialized in a way that promotes gender norms and shores up a glass ceiling that many men don’t even believe exists. We’re passed over for promotions, paid less than the average man, talked over, and generally treated as less based entirely on gender. It’s enough to make anyone angry.

As a woman, I’ve been aware of sexism all my life. It didn’t just occur to me when I hit puberty and had to deal with catcalling strangers. It occurred much earlier when I started getting messages in class promoting male participation, encouraging girls to be seen and not heard, and stating unequivocally in gym class that boys were more athletic than girls even as I, a girl, lapped the boys in races and did twice as many pull-ups during physical fitness tests.

Sexism doesn’t just come from school systems and workplaces. We deal with it in our relationships, too. In the ones we choose, yes, but also in the ones we don’t. So, it can be hard to have a winning attitude about men when we learn young that men are the enemy.

And let’s face it: some men are the enemy. Every woman who has ever carried keys in her fist walking to her car at night knows this. It’s not fair to good men, but it’s not fair to us either.

So, being a good man is not an exam or a qualification, it changes, and it incorporates being a good friend, a good father, a good employee, a good boss, a good neighbour and a good citizen. ~A. A. Gill

Disappointment in Relationships

Some women give men a hard time because relationships can be deeply disappointing. I’ve been there. It’s easy to get jaded.

But is it fair to hold good men accountable for other men’s choices? Of course not. Feelings can be valid even if we don’t understand them. Even if they aren’t rational. Someone can feel deeply betrayed to the point that they apply that opinion out widely to the rest of a group of people. Sound familiar? This is how prejudice develops.

The harder truth is that we are all responsible for the relationships we choose. Growth-oriented, mature individuals can look at their relationship history, express disappointment, and still be accountable for having ignored red flags when entering the relationship.

Someone without accountability for their own role in the relationship is more likely to accuse all men of being like the ones they’ve chosen, which isn’t kind, fair, or right. But it is a reason some women hate men.

“Nothing deters a good man from doing what is honorable.” ~Seneca the Younger

Haters, Just Haters

You want to know the real reason some women are anti-men? Some people are anti-everything. Haters exist. They’re immature. They’re unaccountable. They blame everyone else for how their lives have turned out. They’re so busy cataloging how they’re treated that they don’t even see how poorly they treat everyone else.

Taylor Swift told us that “haters gonna hate”, and they do. And they’re not all women either. But yes, there is a classification of women who always runs down men.

In an ideal world, there wouldn’t be any haters. People would mind their own business and treat other people with respect and kindness. They would form opinions based on an individual’s character alone and act accordingly. But we’re not in an ideal world.

“Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” ~John Wooden

Am I a Hater? A Conclusion

I look back on my work over the years. Yes, I have held men to account for their individual actions. I have also held a dating culture to account for common behaviors I’ve noticed trending.

In my articles, with few exceptions, I have talked about my own personal accountability and growth. I have admitted that I’ve made poor choices and am learning to do better. I have encouraged people to make good choices, to take accountability for the times they haven’t, and to be the change they want to see in the dating culture by treating people with kindness.

I’m not a hater — of men or women. I think it would be fair to call me a critic, but that criticism is born of idealism and a belief that society can evolve to be and to do better. For that evolution to take place, we need to hold people accountable. We need to challenge outdated narratives. We need to look at ourselves and ask if we’re helping other people or hurting them along their journey.

I fully believe that there are good men in the world. I’ve even written at length about the difference between good men and merely “nice” ones. I don’t look at men as flawed or broken — not any more than anyone else. I do believe sincerely that if we were to eliminate patriarchal systems, men would have more support and access to mental health treatment. I feel like the culture would thrive with equality.

But no: I don’t hate men. I know far too many wonderful ones to join the camp of haters. That doesn’t mean I won’t post a dark meme that made me laugh out loud but know that behind whatever joke I’m telling is a sincere call for all of us to learn from our mistakes, love ourselves, and be kind.