How to Connect with Him, Even When He Puts up a Wall

Focus on building a friendship rather than intimacy.

Today we avoid dating, but we want to be in a relationship.

We think dating is for players and unattached folks. So we tend to run for the hills if the person we are dating isn’t showing signs of long-term commitment.

The insane dating pattern of hit and run keeps growing with no end in sight. If you asked me the last I was in a committed relationship, that would be three years ago.

I’ve had some flings and temporary situationships, still when it comes to dating, I’m not too excited about it. I feel nostalgic when a date begins to expect some responsibilities from me.

There are times I don’t want to date but want to be in a relationship. Then there are times I don’t want a relationship, but dating still remains a turn-off.

Why do we have conflicting interests?

Fear of disappointment is one of the reasons we don’t want to date nowadays. It’s tempting to handle disappointment by avoiding it altogether.

So if your man is holding back from connecting with you or he’s afraid of dating because he cannot handle the emotional pressure, here are some steps you can follow to build a connection with him.

Stop projecting your expectation on him

So many people, when they start dating, they get excited about the person and project their expectations on them. Getting to know someone and knowing if they truly like you is a slow process.

The problem with projecting our expectations on others is that it leads to entitlement. If you want the guy to open his heart to you, you must fight feelings and thoughts of being owed anything.

No one is owed or owes anything to anyone. And when you expect a guy to act or behave the way you want your imaginary guy to act, you scare him off.

Never assume that all your relationships will work out the way you want them to. Never assume the person will make the right choice and do the right thing all the time.

Instead of saying, “I want him to do this or that” say something like, “I need to wait and see how this goes.”

Try to catch yourself when you’re expecting something from him. Replace those thoughts with self-fulfilling messages.

When a relationship is new, demanding your expectation are met can keep the guy closed off.

Don’t give all of yourself too soon

I get it. It can be difficult to restrain yourself from being in each other arms, sharing the nitty witty of your life with him.

Well, here’s the thing about divulging ourselves too soon in a relationship. We either give them the best of us or the worst of us, which can be overwhelming for someone a little less of a stranger.

Showing the worst of us could mean sharing our insecurities, talking about our anger over our exes, talking about intimate issues that happened in our past relationship, and other painful experiences with someone at an inappropriate stage of the relationship.

While our best side could be showing up unannounced to cook their favorite meal. It could be showing our body parts and doing intimate things we don’t want to do and/or canceling our schedule to spend time with them when they haven’t earned it.

Since they are still getting to know us, our worst experience might sound too depressing for them, while the best might be intimidating for them.

So if you want him to date you confidently without fear, don’t move faster than the stage you are in the affair.

The early state is usually about getting to know each other. Take your time in revealing yourself.

Mirror in his level of commitment

You barely know this person, right? Instead of being the first person to act, to initiate a conversation or a gesture, mirror the attitude he gives you.

For example, if you send him a text and he doesn’t reply immediately, you can send a second text after a day. If he still doesn’t get back to you, leave him be.

Don’t try to make up excuses in your head as to why he isn’t responding to your messages.

When someone is genuinely interested in you, thoughts of you never leaves their mind. So if he isn’t responding to your messages, then it’s possible you are not that important to him.

The most important thing about getting to know someone is seeing who they truly are at that early stage. If they are not as excited as you are about to relationship, then you should treat them equally.

If you are the only one investing without receiving the same amount of effort from him, you create a dynamic in which he gets comfortable being at the receiving end but never giving. With time you begin to bore him, and he will eventually pull away.

Don’t make him a priority if you are not his.

Let’s say he doesn’t talk to you for weeks, and all of a sudden, he wants to see you in two hours. You should be suspicious.

Instead of accepting the invitation to see him at his request, make up an excuse and reschedule at your own time.

The point is to remind him that you also have a life of your own and that you are not sitting by your phone waiting for him to show up whenever he wants.

There is nothing wrong with spontaneous dates. It’s romantic if it comes from someone who has been investing and trying, but for someone who has a history of ghosting and reappearing, you should be wary not to fall into their trap.

Some abusers use this tact to keep you emotionally invested while they keep their options open. Then they will turn around to accuse you of being too attached.

But if he’s serious about you but holding back, making him a priority before he considers you one, can send a wrong impression that you are desperate. And guys hate it when a woman they barely know places too much expectation on them.

Try to stay emotionally unattached.

More often, women make the mistake of thinking spending more time with their partner proves their love for them. But psychologists have testified the reverse is the case.

Guys are not easily transparent about their feelings. When you constantly try to attach yourself to him, he will see you as a nag. Because you want him to respond to your call for attention every time you ask for it.

When you feel like reaching out to him out of insecurity, pause and redirect that craving to something more productive.

Make it a habit to only call or visit when you have something valuable to share or add to their life.

At that early stage, it’s important to give each other enough space to feel and reflect on the values each of you will contribute to the relationship.

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