How To Communicate With a Narcissist if You Still Have To
Here is how to handle a narcissist if you can’t break contact
With a sudden burst of emotion, he breaks into tears, uttering, “The only thing she wants is for us two to make up and get along.” Surprisingly, the mediator and his former girlfriend show no reaction, leaving him to cry alone. An observer unaware of the context might perceive a loving father expressing his emotions for his daughter, thinking the others are cold-hearted for not responding sympathetically. But those familiar with Jim would discern that while the tears are sincere, they aren’t about his daughter; they are, as all the emotions he shows, for himself.
No contact isn’t always an option
Those of us who have experienced emotional and/or physical abuse will know how difficult it is to break free, break contact. Even victims who go through years of recovery, rebuilding confidence and building out new lives may find themselves tempted when that out-of-the-blue text message arrives, asking for “another chance”. And as a side note, most of us will give in a few times even; this has nothing to do with weakness but our belief in the good in people and their ability to change.
But absolutely no contact, that kind where you can pretend the abuser doesn’t exist anymore, is rare. Unless we move to another country, it may be hard, even impossible, to disentangle our lives and detach ourselves. Women’s aid says that in 2017, 61.7% of women in women's shelters, had children with their abusive ex/partner. So more often than not, it is impossible to completely block out the narcissist in your life. Here is a step-by-step guide on the second best option of communicating with narcissists, the option when you still have to have some form of contact.
1. Learn about their tactics
The most important step to being able to communicate is to know and be able to recognize all the different abuse tactics narcissists use. It’s harrowing. Most of us will not be able to recognize any or all of their abuse tactics if we are swept up in the middle of the toxic rollercoaster that these relationships are. But, once we come out of it and start educating ourselves, the painful awakening usually includes becoming aware of and recognizing how constant the manipulations and lies are.
When I went through this process, I still had some text messages, and it helped me immensely to go through them again with my new knowledge. I realized that the abuse had always been there, even right at the start. Quite often, they may use several different tactics and switch seamlessly between lying, gaslighting, belittling, anger, sulking, etc. Different people may default to different tactics or ways of saying things, but there are usually the same motivations that lie behind those.
I recommend reading some articles that help identify these tactics and try to find patterns and phrases the narcissists you are dealing with prefer.
2. Prepare
There is no preparing for what they will do; the anticipation is often taunting, and although after a while, we may learn to understand how the narcissist’s mind works and how they might behave or act, there is often not much we can do, and it can drive us crazy. The best method is to prepare YOUR standpoint. And by that, I mean be confident and reassured. They will try to undermine you, make you crazy, gaslight you. The best preparation is to be confident in whatever you may have to communicate.
If you have friends or family you trust or even online forums, by all means, seek reassurance that your request or standpoint is not outrageous (I can tell you it’s not). Ask ChatGPT, read up, you will not need to and should not use this information to make an argument or case. This is just for your own confidence as self-confidence is the strongest “argument” you have in any conversation with a narcissist.
3. Less is more
When it comes to the actual conversation, state your point clearly. Do not expand beyond anything more than you have to or had planned to. Simple, strong, confidently delivered sentences. Always remember that you don’t owe anyone anything. If you have done your prep, it’s easier to remain firm and don’t get drawn into petty arguments.
In the argument with Jim I described above, he was trying to get overnight contact with his daughter, although the court had already ordered this not to happen. It would be tempting for his ex-partner to list all of the reasons this wasn’t happening, but the court and child psychologists had already heard those and so had he. So remaining silent and determined, just saying no, and the reasons have been explained already, is enough.
4. Stay calm
This is the hardest bit. Manipulative people will pull out every trick in their repertoire to try and provoke you. It’s not about the actual topic of the conversation. It’s about gaining control and specifically control over you in any way possible. They may start accusing and show extreme emotions like anger or crying. The goal is always to provoke you. Staying calm is difficult and will probably anger them even more or cause them to rapidly switch tactics. If you can record the conversation in any way, this can help you later on to analyze and identify. You may not be able to use it for any legal reasons, but especially if things seem to get heated, it may help to later recall exact wordings.
Always remember..it’s not you or your fault
- You are dealing with a manipulator who is incapable of acknowledging or understanding other people’s feelings. Anything they say or how they react will most likely serve a purpose or goal.
- It can be difficult for empaths to wrap their heads around the lengths some narcissists will go to for their empowerment. Difficult to grasp that people cannot love their children or anyone but themselves. And it is impossible to reason with someone whose mind is so fixed on the protection of their ego.
- Don’t give them any opportunity to get to you.
- The positive takeaway is that the more desperate they get, the less calculated and planned their conversation will become, and they may start to completely contradict themselves or even reveal what is really driving them.
When dealing with a narcissist and unable to break contact, it’s crucial to educate yourself about their manipulation tactics and prepare yourself mentally. Keep your communication concise and confident, without engaging in petty arguments. Stay calm and remember that their behavior is not your fault; they are driven by their ego and self-centered motives. Maintaining your strength and emotional boundaries will empower you to navigate these interactions with resilience.