How To Build Wealth & Get Rich With The Person You Love

“We can do anything we want.”

Moments exist early in some relationships where you just know.

But you don’t just know. You know because things happen. People say things. Knowing comes from intimate experiences as well as the little things.

In my relationship, this was one of those moments:

Something got me about Guapa’s response after we said, “good night” a few weeks ago. (I call the girl I’m in love with Guapa and use it as a pseudonym in my writing).

We can do anything we want

I believe this is true. We have established some things — in a ridiculously sincere and organic way — that will help our partnership go the distance. We’re already crushing an important consideration in any relationship — money.

In this article, I illustrate the key elements necessary to ensure money never becomes an obstacle in your relationship. To ensure your relationship has what it takes to become a fulfilling partnership, where two grownups support one another and, in some fashion, build wealth and get rich together. And not necessarily conventional notions of wealth and being rich.

This is not one of those ‘have the money talk early in your relationship articles’. That oft-advocated approach can produce unfavorable results. While it seems like open communication on the surface, it’s cloaked in insincerity. Couples surveying one another to see if — combined — they have the financial firepower to satisfy a lifestyle that almost always equals living beyond your means.

This is not about the runaway American dream. It’s about ensuring the connection you have continually strengthens and goes the distance. It’s about being able to “do anything we want” with the person you love.

What a wonderful place to start, with this response from Eugenio Cibruscola to a recent Medium article:

Two strong individuals. Most men I know say they want a strong, independent woman. On the ground, they can’t handle a strong, independent woman. They want her to be strong and independent on their terms, on their watch.

I have made the mistake of not knowing how to truly “handle” a strong, independent woman. Mistake number one: Using the verb “handle.” There’s nothing to handle.

Can you handle her in bed? Can you handle her masturbating in bed when you don’t make her cum? Can you handle her getting herself off in the shower, alone? Can you handle her career? Can you handle her many friendships that do not and will not include you at all, or very little?

Can you handle the fact that she makes her own money and spends it how she sees fit? She doesn’t “run it by” you, or worse, ask for “permission” to buy something. Can you handle not knowing how much she makes? Can you handle it if you know and she makes more than you?

If you have to ask yourself if you can “handle” any or all of the above or more, the relationship’s fucked. It either won’t last or it’ll be toxic. It’ll run its course and you might simply stay in it out of habit. I’ve been there. It’s not fun.

She’s not a parcel you “handle” by throwing it over the fence because you don’t know the gate code to your neighbor’s building.

If your partner has to look over their shoulder before, during, and after spending every dime, you will not be able to anything you want together. Because the partner being handled will feel the need to hide their spending, saving, and budgeting from you. Good old financial infidelity.

It’s akin to a baseball pitcher not showing his teammate how he throws his curveball.

Who benefits from hiding something like this?

Certainly not your team’s starting rotation and definitely not your relationship. “We can do anything we want” has zero chance in this all-too-common environment.

Keeping your finances separate together. Guapa and I had one of our amazing talks the other day. Laying in bed, we discussed the dynamics of being alone together.

The writing’s on the wall that, someday, if things continue to progress as they are, we’ll live with one another. This means lots more unscheduled time together, something I look forward to. (With a smile, Guapa says I’m “domestic”).

When this happens, we both understand we have to be good at being alone together. The idea that you can spend hours in the same room — together — doing separate things. So many couples just aren’t good at this. However, it’s one hallmark of a healthy partnership.

I’m sitting in the chair writing a Medium article on my computer. She’s working, painting, reading, watching TV, whatever. While we might share an alluring glance or even sneak a kiss on the way to and from the kitchen for water or a snack, this isn’t our time to be together together. It’s our time to be alone together.

There’s something about this dynamic that‘s a major turn-on.

Intellectually, it’s just nice to know you’re an adult who’s with another adult. You can each do your own thing. You love to know one another’s business (because you care), but you don’t always have to be in one another’s business.

Sexually, there’s a longing that builds while you’re alone together. You know you’ll be together together soon. Just as time apart can intensify the longing, so can time being alone together.

Instead of the binary do we keep our finances separate or do we keep them together, how about you keep them alone together?

You don’t combine forces, but as two strong, independent adults who know how to be in and thoughtfully navigate a partnership, you support one another.

As I illustrated in a recent Medium article for Making of a Millionaire:

In its simplest form, you don’t even think about the small money decisions. I’m coming to your place, or I’ll be home after you, so I’ll pick up the sushi — and pay for it — on the way. This just makes sense. It goes without saying.

Or maybe you’ve determined (even without words), you’ll split every meal. This just means you’ll use Venmo a lot. Pretty straightforward.

For more complex money decisions, such as vacations, you parse things out…

You keep separate checking accounts. You split the rent and other housing costs, but you keep everything else separate.

You don’t get into your partner’s money-related business unless they need your help. In other words, you support one another. What a concept!

You support one another.

You don’t interrogate one another. You don’t shame one another over spending. You don’t speak in a condescending tone about money.

At the same time, you don’t slack.

You don’t buy toys you can’t afford to put gas in. You don’t act recklessly and irresponsibly with money, just as you wouldn’t — or shouldn’t — act recklessly and irresponsibly in other areas of the relationship.

If you get to the point where you decide you’re going to get close enough with another person where money could be an issue, you should be quite confident money will not end up being an issue. You should have a pretty good sense of who the person is without actually having the dreaded and over-hyped “money talk.”

Guapa and I talked about anything and everything from the very beginning of our relationship. We have meaningful conversations most days of the week. They’re invigorating. We didn’t have a direct conversation about money until roughly six weeks in. And that one only came up because we were discussing my writing, which focuses on money.

I learned about her personality and way of functioning in the day-to-day through these talks. This type of talking tells you almost everything you need to know about how the other person is with money. So instead of having some big, nervous talk, you have lots of small, easy ones — almost in passing — as things come up.

We had a sushi dinner the other night. She was coming to my place so she picked up the sushi and paid for it. No words exchanged.

A few weeks earlier, I made her an Italian dinner. I paid for all of the ingredients. She brought a bottle of wine. No words exchanged.

I envision we’ll situate things similarly when we travel. We’ll sit down. We’ll plan the logistics and we’ll likely do something like take turns paying for parts of our trips. Or maybe we’ll have some other alternating arrangement. Or, if I have a huge month, maybe I’ll spring for all or a majority of a trip. And vice versa. Maybe we’ll just play it by ear.

I know this — whatever we decide in this area (or most, if not all others) will not require a summit.

It’ll all even out — or thereabouts — in the end.

It’s about supporting one another, not keeping score.

Isn’t this how every facet of a great partnership ought to function? With unconditional love and support.

Sounds fucking hot to me.

This is the definition of wealth and being rich in a relationship.

It’s not a big (or even tiny) house. It’s not a Tesla. It’s not a fat engagement ring. It’s not having a million bucks in the bank.

It’s about thoughtfully and effectively allocating your resources, as you keep them separate. It should be as simple as the in-the-moment decision to buy your friend’s coffee when you decide to meet so you can catch up.

If it’s more difficult than that, the relationship certainly has issues bigger than money. There’s no doubt you gotta do the work in a relationship, however, if you and your partner truly make sense, much of this work will come easy.