What It Really Means To ‘Do The Work’ In A Relationship

It takes more than 10,000 hours to become an expert in ‘doing the work.’

The first time that you introduced me to your friends And you could tell that I was nervous, so you held my hand When I was feeling down, you made that face you do There’s no one in the world who could replace you — Lily Allen, Littlest Things

We talk a lot about “doing the work” in a relationship, especially on these pages we call Medium.

I’ve been thinking a ton lately about what this means.

The more I think a ton about it, the more I think we can’t define — with true specificity—what doing the work actually means.

You have big conversations. You’re open. You’re vulnerable. This leads to bigger, deeper, more meaningful, and intimate conversations. This tends to strengthen the connection. This isn’t work. This is a relationship.

Relationship basics.

So many budding unions fail because we’re intellectually and emotionally incapable of doing any and all of the above. This stuff should not be work. It should be part of the day-to-day.

Being thoughtful. In both senses of the word. This gets us closer. But we’re not there yet.

You can hold open every door, bring your partner their favorite snack, or tidy up the kitchen for them while they’re on the way home. All nice, worthwhile gestures. Do them, early and often. By all means. But it’s not work. At least it shouldn’t be. These things should come naturally.

They’re also things you should do for your mother.

Relationship basics.

It’s the littlest things. The things that, if you stopped doing them, your partner wouldn’t notice. You’d think you’ve done nothing wrong. But it’s the absence of the littlest things that crush relationships.

Doing the work in a relationship consists of the unspoken, practically unseen supports two people who love one another put in place without even realizing they’re doing them. When these things stop happening — “naturally” — the relationship starts to skate on thin ice.

Sometimes it ends. You’ll blame something tangible, but that probably wasn’t the problem. The things you can see didn’t kill the partnership.

Sometimes you hang on. You make it. But it’s not the same. The spark’s gone. You blame the passing of time, aging, kids, stress, a shitty job. You gotta blame something you can put your hands on and wrap your head around.

Doing the work = providing unspoken, almost intangible support.

It’s the stuff nobody notices and, even if they did, they probably would not be able to articulate at a conscious level. I’m having slight trouble right now.

It’s like Lily Allen (who also wrote a great song called, “Fuck You!”) said, “When I was feeling down, you made that face you do.”

It’s a look that puts your partner at ease.

It’s a gaze that reminds them how badly you want them.

It’s the way you move your body when you’re walking down the street because you know they like watching you move your body that way.

It’s not interrupting when they’re being insightful, or going on a rant, or trying to find the right word.

It’s holding the back of their head so it doesn’t hit the headboard when you’re having vigorous sex.

It’s wiping snot from their nose without flinching.

It’s showing up five minutes late because you know she always runs five minutes late and you don’t want to make her feel bad for being late.

It’s not fixing your hair or straightening your eyebrows because you know she’ll notice and she likes fixing your hair and straightening your eyebrows for you.

This is the work. And it better take you a lot longer than 10,000 hours to become an expert at doing the work. With any luck, it’ll take a lifetime.

Cue Taylor Swift:

Please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere