If you want to find happiness in 2020 start using applied self-compassion

Make the next decade better than the last by focusing on applied self-compassion.

by: E.B. Johnson

There is, perhaps, nothing more important in this life than our sense of self. Our sense of self guides every aspect of who we are, and it forms the perspective that creates everything from the type of parent that we are to the type of friend, lover and family member. How we view ourselves is important, and it gets even more important as time goes on. The lower an opinion you have of self, the less likely you are to extend the same understanding and compassion to self as you would to a friend. And it is precisely this compassion that we need to be happy, though we may not be able to see it in this moment.

Self-compassion is one of the most powerful gifts we can give to ourselves, but it can be hard to find when it’s buried deep beneath the self-destructive voice of our inner saboteurs. When we learn how to be understanding of ourselves, we can learn to be more understanding of others and the experiences that make them, them. Applying true and limitless compassion to our inner self isn’t always an easy journey, however, and it’s one that requires us to give up the expectations and the judgements that protect us from the unexpected like a castle wall. If you want to find true joy in this life, you have to start from within and create the love and understanding you’re seeking.

What is applied self-compassion?

Self-compassion is an increasingly popular term, but it’s also one that is becoming increasingly misunderstood as well. Being kind to ourselves isn’t about buying that expensive bag, or going for a massage once a month (or a year). True self-compassion is a way of living in which understanding is extending not only to the people around us, but our own authentic self, in every circumstance, every experience and every action that we take. As humans, we’re all just doing the best that we can, but that can get lost in the shuffle sometimes.

Self-compassion is not self-kindness and it’s not self-pity either. It’s taking an active role in your own healing, and it involves embracing your faults, mistakes and suffering as equally as you celebrate your joys, successes and triumphs. When we utilize real self-compassion in our lives, we extend the same kindness, caring and understanding to ourselves as we would to a friend or a loved one. Truly being compassionate to self means finding the healthy balance between acceptance and improvement, but it also means dropping the judgements and letting go of any unreal expectations that we have for ourselves or our lives.

According to Dr. Kristin Neff, a master in self-compassion research, there are 3 core components to true and realized self-compassion. More than just being nice to yourself, you also have to dig deep into your common humanity and become mindful of the way you both react and interact with your real, internal self. Self-compassion is a powerful tool, when we know how to wield it, but it takes a big commitment and it takes a lot of work each day to build. Adding it to our lives means finding happiness, however, and discovering that true beauty and joy is one of the most beautiful gifts we can give ourselves.

How it can improve our lives.

Living compassionately in-tune with who we are can lead to some major benefits for who we are and the life we want to create. When we start to better understand who we are, we can become the support system we so desperately need and better cultivate the happiness, resilience and strength we need to overcome any obstacle life throws our way.

Becoming the support we need

Life is hard and that’s no secret. We all struggle from time to time with heartache, hardship and the difficulties that modern living brings, but one of the best ways to combat that is from a sense of support. Our support networks — meaning our family and friends — are important, but their support is limited even at the best of times. When we apply self-compassion to our lives, we unlock the unlimited power of internal support, meaning we become the support system that we need; one that is always ready to go and always on our side.

Improved self-awareness

Compassion has a funny way of unlocking doors that we weren’t even aware of, and that’s especially true when it comes to the doorway of self-awareness. When we are more understanding of ourselves and our actions, we become more aware of who we are, what we want and how we’re feeling. This, in turn, facilitates the ability to better see how we treat and interact with others, which leads to major strides in most of the relationships in our lives.

Better mental health

Being more aware of self and more in touch with who we are empowers us to really get in touch with both our emotional and mental health. Compassion equals resilience, and it is precisely resilience that we need when battling serious mental issues like depression, anxiety, etc. When we’re better about supporting ourselves, we become better at supporting our mental and emotional states in a way that can help us both to cope and to thrive.

In touch with emotions

It doesn’t take a rocket science to understand how compassion equals a greater sense of emotion. Our emotions are both dynamic and complex, moving and shifting all the time with the environment around them. When we’re compassionate with ourselves, we see our emotions for what they are and embrace them — which can reveal major opportunities for personal realization, and also help us to regulate our reactions and interactions in positive ways.

Increased stability and resilience

When we’re in touch with who we are and how we’re feeling, it becomes much easier to tune into the natural strengths and facets of courage that we possess. Life is hard, and it doesn’t get any easier. Knowing ourselves inside and out leads to the realization that we have what it takes to conquer any mountain, and that we have the power to actualize any dream we want to turn into reality. Being strong isn’t about our outer world. It’s all about the inner world and creating peace and stability between our beliefs, our behaviors and the emotions that surround them all.

More motivation

When we are kinder to ourselves, we’re happier, and that can lead to increased motivation and an increased understanding that you do, indeed, have what it takes to create the life you want. Motivation is a major piece of the puzzle when it comes to shaping our environments, but it has to come from within and that starts with a big dose of self-compassion.

Why is it so hard to be kind to ourselves?

Simply knowing that you need to be more kind to yourself isn’t enough. We have to take action in order to create the peace, harmony and joy that we’re striving for. It’s not always easy to be kind to ourselves, but it’s necessary. Getting to the root of the blocks that keep us mean and chained to our unreal expectations is the first step in cultivating self-compassion, but it’s often the hardest one.

Poor childhood experiences

Our childhood is the critical foundation piece upon which we build the castle of our lives. The things that happen between ourselves, our siblings, our parents and even our friends as little ones goes a long way to inform how we view both ourselves and those around us. Experience is everything. But childhood experiences, both the good and the bad, can make us view ourselves as worthy or unworthy long before we are given the opportunity to make any real decisions for ourselves or our lives.

Flawed sense of strength

As humans, we have incredible strength of both mind and will, but that can get lost in the pummeling that is modern living. When we lose sight of our personal strengths, we lose sight of our worth and therefore our self-compassion. It’s a self-defeating cycle, and one that can lead to serious upsets when not addressed. Only when we see our strengths (and our weaknesses) for what they truly are can we find the path we’re really meant to follow and the resilience needed to overcome the obstacles that will inevitably come our way.

Skewed inner dialogue

The experiences of our past mean a lot, and they add up to shape our perspective and everything from the way we process our emotions to the way we deal with them. Bad experiences, if not dealt with appropriate and in a timely manner, can lead to out-of-control inner critic and a skewed inner dialogue. All because who we were becomes threatened by who we could be. Our inner critic says self-compassion is selfish or self-absorbed, but nothing could be further from the truth. That’s because our inner critic wants to keep us small, when we should be striving for our true greatness.

Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem is one of the biggest reasons we struggle so much with extending compassion to ourselves. When we look down on who we are, or start to believe that we aren’t worthy of the things we really want in this life, it becomes easy to become cruel and neglectful of our authentic self; something that means death in this increasingly repressive world. Embracing who we are is a really powerful thing, but having confidence in self is the key to unlocking the universe. When we believe in ourselves, we know we can have whatever we want.

How to apply self-compassion in our lives.

Once you know what understanding needs to be extended in your life, you can start to take the action that is needed to change your circumstances. Applied self-compassion doesn’t just happen by accident. It happens by committing to the cause and taking steps each day to ensure you feel better about yourself by the time you put your head down on the pillow. Do that with some basic techniques.

1. Look at it like a small child

As we go through this life, we lose sight of the compassion and understanding that is necessary in order to thrive. The experiences that make up our time here on this planet can be difficult, chaotic and hard to survive at times. When left unaddressed, these thousand little hurts can add up and make us as tough on the inside as we are on the outside; turning away from our true selves and the true nature that can lead us to personal salvation.

In order to combat this toughness, we have to learn how to treat ourselves as compassionately and kindly as we would a small, innocent child. Only when we look at our actions with understanding can we see that there is no fault worth holding onto, no grudge worth passing up on the future that we want. When we extend the same compassion to ourselves that we would a child, we unlock new possibilities and heal old hurts that can lead to big improvements down the road.

When something goes wrong, or your find yourself struggling or being to hard on your inner self, consider what a child might need or want in a similar situation. This child could be your own, or this child can be you. Look at it through their limited, innocent eyes and understand that — just like that child didn’t have the details — neither did you. We’re all just doing the best that we can, but we can only see that when we extend compassion to ourselves as generously as we would to the innocent.

2. Find your support network

Forging new connections and establishing new relationships can be one of the best ways to boost our confidence and further define our sense of self. Our relationships can be a more accurate mirror by which to gauge ourselves within the world, and a release by which we can find both support and grace when we need it. If you’re not enough support right now, build the network you need and let them know why you need them.

Reach out to friends, and don’t shy away from new skills and activities that could connect you with new people. Relationships are a great way to get re-familiar with your strengths, and a great way to build up the support systems you need to battle your shame.

Surrounding yourself with others who can take a compassionate, yet detached look at what you’re going through can be extremely helpful in assisting you to shape your own perspective. They can highlight issues you might have missed, or opportunities that you couldn’t see through the stress of the entire situation. By forging new relationships and reaching out to better the ones you already have, you’re actually boosting your ability to deal with shame and overcoming the darkness that’s plaguing your life.

3. Be more mindful

When we think of being mindful, we often assume it means simply being nice (to ourselves and others) — but it’s much, much more than that. Mindfulness is a powerful tool and a powerful state of being which can help us to unlock our true potential and create more loving, compassionate and fulfilling environments and experiences for ourselves. It’s being present in the moment, and it’s being aware of both where we’re at and how we’re feeling.

Learning how to be more mindful actually unlocks powerful avenues of emotional intelligence, which in turn allows us to better deal with the toxic self-confidence issues that permeate our lives. Cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure and major clinical depression are just a few of the side-effects of living in a life that’s stressed to the max and focused on everything but the here and now. Learning how to be more mindful can transform our our perceptions and our health — but it has a number of other surprising benefits too.

Take at least 10–15 minutes to think about the things in your life that your thankful for. Set a timer and — at the end of the process — take another 5 minutes or so to journal about the experience and how these things in your life make you feel. Whenever you’re struggling to be present in the moment, or deal with some new obstacle, refer back to the journal. Are you still thankful for those things? Are they worth overcoming these challenges for? Let them be the inspiration that navigates you through the tough times.

4. Let go of perfection

As humans, many of us have a desperate need to strive for some self-defined sense of perfection that can leave us feeling detached, defeated and dissociated from what really matters. Part of learning how to be compassionate with ourselves means learning how to let go of our delusional ideals of perfection, so that we can start to reach for the things that really matter in this life. When we let go of our need to be perfect, we allow ourselves to be who we really are, and in that route there is true freedom of self and authentic joy.

Spend some time with yourself (regularly) and spend some time getting to know who you are inside and outside. Focus in on your strengths, but also focus in on your weaknesses. Embrace them; open yourself up to them. Only when we face up to those aspects of ourselves that we don’t like can we turn them into attributes that we do like. Start letting go of your perfection obsession by falling in love with yourself and figuring out how to flip your weaknesses into strengths.

There is no such thing as perfection, and the sooner we realize that the sooner we find true happiness. Whether it comes to relationships, people, our careers or even the lives that we lead — the journey of existence is chaotic and unpredictable. Bad things happen. Good things happen. It doesn’t matter how well we strive to anticipate these things, or what kind of karmic destiny we work to piece together for ourselves. We all go through ups and downs, and we all succeed and fail in our own unique ways. Let go of your need to be some standard of perfection and look to your individuality instead. When we lean into who we are, we become easier to love and even easier to understand.

5. Master your inner critic

Our inner critics are one of the number one causes of ongoing shame, fear of failure, and internalized guilt. When we allow our inner critic too much leeway , it can destroy our sense of self and our self-esteem in ways which make it easy for us to hate ourselves, and therefore easier for others to take advantage of us.

Ease off that inner critic and develop new ways to deal with all the biting critiques. Learn how to avoid the triggers that set him or her off and try to cultivate positive responses to her negative outbursts. You can do this by reframing your own world views and getting to the root of the childhood traumas and heartbreaks that led to such a virulent inner voice.

Judging others is stupid, but judging yourself is especially pointless. We are all humans and we all make mistakes. The sooner you realize that (and accept it) the happier you’ll be. Whatever you achieve, someone will achieve better. However bad you did, someone will do worse. Take no notice of your inner critic and start living your life in line what what you know is your authentic truth. If you want something to be different make it different, and start right now.

6. Realize this is a common journey

Whether we realize it or not, the feelings that we feel — no matter the situation — are not unique. There is no hardship in this life we can experience that has not been experienced by someone else. Though difficulties can make us feel isolated, there is power in realizing that the hard times are common to each and every one of us. No matter what life we might project on social media, or what accomplishments we might share proudly with our friends, we all feel down sometimes and we all struggle with our thoughts, our emotions and our inner critics from time-to-time.

Realize that what you’re experiencing right now is something that has been experienced and felt by a million people before. No matter how hard things have gotten, or how dark they might be, don’t let the isolation pull you away from the truth that you’re not alone in this process. Others have hit the bottom before you, and they have turned around to thrive after you. You can do the same, but that starts with embracing that you are a part of a cosmic circle and one that wants for you to thrive, no fail.

Cultivate compassion for yourself by looking to the stories of others when you’re struggling. Find someone who has gone through a similar hardship, or reach out to a friend who you think could safely embrace what you’re feeling or where you’re at. Open up, and let your story be their own. See the similarities and listen to the outcomes — both good and bad. Feel yourself become a part of a bigger cause, and feel yourself become a part of that bigger family. There are those who came before and those who will come after in the same circumstances as you. Use their stories to thrive in your own, and be an example others can look to when they’re in a rut of their own.

7. Get professional help

If you’re truly struggling just to stay afloat, or if you find yourself struggling with a particularly nasty (and persistent) view of self — a good therapist or counselor can go a long way in helping us to heal. Therapists go hand-in-hand with medication and can go a long way in helping us figure out a lot of things in our lives. When you talk to a trained professional, you’ll feel better because you’ll know you’re talking to someone who not only knows how to listen, but is trained to listen.

When we’re feeling down, we usually reach out to our friends and think that’s enough. But it’s not. While friends are great for helping us dig into our feelings, therapists help us break free of vicious cycles by learning to identify our negative thinking and behaviors, which they then help you to correct.

You might be feeling worthless or stupid. Most likely, when you share those feelings with friends they will encourage you to “pull yourself up by your bootstraps.” While that might be helpful in some instances, it’s not particularly helpful if you’re suffering from really real feelings of depression or anxiety that are clinical and chronic in nature. There’s no shame in reaching out for help in shaping our renewed sense of self. It can boost the process and help shift out perspective in truly transformative ways.

8. Accept, accept, accept

Only when we learn how to accept ourselves and the way we feel and react to the environment around us can we truly unlock the power of our authentic self-confdience. We all have our baggage and the experiences that define who we are in the moment, but that person is always changing. True happiness comes only when we learn how to accept ourselves as we are.

Let go of all the judgements and preconceived notions you have about yourself and others. Remind yourself that the only behavior within the realm of your control is your own, and own up to that behavior and the things that drove you to those points. Embrace who you are, and embrace what you really want. No one in this universe is the combination of things that you are. Love those things, and see the beauty in them and the purpose for their creation.

If there’s something you don’t like about yourself — make a plan to change it — but only after looking it boldly in the face and accepting it for what it is.Acceptance is the key to all change and understanding, but it is often the hardest hurdle to overcome. Only when we accept something that is within our nature can we dig into the meat of it and come up with a plan to change or transform it. Spend a few minutes each day practicing this radical self-acceptance, and look to build it into your regular routine.

Putting it all together…

Self-compassion isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s a process and a journey with a lot of steps and a lot of step backs. It’s learning to accept who we are and what we want, and that’s a big ask no matter who you are. Learning to be compassionate to ourselves can have transformative results, but it takes a lot of moving past the pain behind us so that we can embrace the future before us. Self-compassion is a key that can unlock the universe for us when we know how to use it, and it’s a way of creating the feelings of support and security that we need in our lives.

Learn to look at things as though they were occurring around a small child. Extend the same compassion and understanding to yourself as you would to a toddler or young person who is innocent and free from any wrongdoing. Sometimes, things just happen. There’s no right or wrong to it. Find a support network and be more mindful about both your emotions and how your treat yourself when things are good and when they’re bad. Let go of those ideals of perfection you have, and become the master of that nasty inner critic that you allow to tear you down. We all experience highs and lows in this life. Understand that you’re not the only one on this journey and embrace it for what it is. If you need professional help, get it, but practice acceptance above all. Accept yourself. Accept your life. Accept your highs and your lows for everything they are and everything they aren’t. Only when we embrace this experience fully can we make the most of it. Make the decision to make the most of your life every single day.