The things you need to keep in mind when loving someone with depression
When someone you love has depression, these are the things you need to keep in mind.
by: E.B. Johnson
Depression is a debilitating disease that causes us to build up walls between ourselves and the people we love. Living with or loving someone with depression is a hard game to play, and an even harder game to master — with stakes much higher than imagined and rules that can seem one-sided and ruthless at the best of times.
Loving someone who struggles with depression takes courage, but it also takes a certain know-how and understanding. Depression isn’t a choice. It’s a disease that impacts each and every one of us differently, from case-to-case and from time-to-time. The symptoms of depression exist in a spectrum, so dealing with them takes awareness and the ability to adjust. Help the one you love by learning the best ways to cope when they can’t.
What is depression?
Depression is more than just feeling down or feeling lethargic. It’s a diagnosable mental health condition which can cause people to struggle with persistent thoughts of sadness or hopelessness, as well as a loss of interest in the things that once brought them joy.
Depression changes our appetites, the way we think and the way we function and operate both on personal and social levels. Being depressed makes it difficult to think and impossible to make difficult decisions. Those suffering from depression find their hopelessness seeping into every facet of their lives, impacting their work, their friendships and even their romantic relationships in ways that undermine their longterm health, happiness and general wellbeing.
The difference between sadness and depression.
It’s important to know the difference between feeling sad and feeling depressed, and it’s important to be able to spot the signs in your loved ones. Depression isn’t always visible to the sufferer, and it’s not always easy to admit to ourselves that there’s more going on than meets the eye.
Sadness is a normal human emotion, a response we have whenever we experience a loss or a major change that leaves us feeling uncertain or unbalanced. When we feel bad about something, there’s usually a specific reason behind it, but that’s not the case when it comes to depression.
While sadness is a normal emotion, depression is an abnormal emotional state. That means that it’s a general state-of-being that impacts our thinking, perceptions and emotions in a way that is both chronic and pervasive. Depressed people don’t just feel bad about one thing or situation. They feel bad about everything, and that’s more often-than-not caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain that makes it impossible to feel any other way.
Even when their life is going well, a depressed person still feels miserable, and it doesn’t necessarily require any specific trigger or difficulty. It makes everything less enjoyable for them, and saps their excitement, energy and satisfaction. Depression sucks the soul right out of people, while sadness is just a passing cloud that moves on in time.
The symptoms of depression.
The symptoms of depression vary from case-to-case and person-to-person. This can make it hard to identify, but there are a few core symptoms that seem to hang around when someone is feeling more than just a little sad. Knowing these symptoms can make the difference in reaching out or staying silent when it matters most. Learn how to spot the signs and you can help the one you love all the better.
General apathy
Because depression sucks the joy out of life, many depressed people are overwhelmed by major feelings of apathy. If the person you love has gradually lost interest in the passions that they once loved, they might be struggling with something a little heavier than you realize.
Insomnia or sleep changes.
The funny thing about depression is that — even though it leaves you feeling exhausted — it also keeps you from sleeping or drastically interrupts your normal sleep cycles. Some people with depression find it hard to get out of bed, while others find it hard to sleep at all.
Drastic changes in mood.
Feeling down can make your loved one snap, or you might notice dramatic mood swings and a general irritability. They might get angry for no reason, or overreact to setbacks that would otherwise seem small.
A yo-yoing appetite.
Just like our sleep patterns, depression can interrupt our eating patterns as well. A loved one who is struggling with depression might lose their desire or energy to eat. On the other end of the spectrum, they might start overeating in a way that is alarming or unhealthy. Weight loss and weight gain can be early indicators of unaddressed depression, but it’s a subtle one that’s often overlooked until it’s too late.
Physical aches and pains.
Older adults and even children who experience depression often notice an increase in the general aches and pains of their body. If an otherwise healthy friend, family member or spouse start complaining of pains that weren’t there before — be aware of the change and be on the lookout for other symptoms that might be an indication of depression.
Suicidal ideas.
Thoughts of self-harm or suicide are never “normal”. While many of us experience these thoughts, it’s not natural to have them regularly, and it’s not normal or healthy to dwell on those thoughts. Even if your loved one appears to “joke” about suicide — don’t laugh it off. Suicide is serious and it deserves to be addressed as such.
General feeling of sadness.
If your partner or spouse has made comments about their sense of “hopelessness” it might be a sign that they’re struggling with a heavier kind of sadness than you imagined.
Slowed thinking and movement.
Depression zaps our energy and makes it hard to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. Slowed thinking and movements are a common symptom of depression and one that is commonly overlooked by the people around the affected person. If you notice slowed speech or decision-making, take a note.
Feelings of worthlessness.
Low self-esteem and self-doubt are common symptoms that often manifest beside the feelings of hopelessness that depression inspires. Depressed people often feel worthless and feel as though nothing that they do is good enough. Even when their achievements are clear cut, they struggle to see the good in themselves.
The things to keep in mind when loving someone with depression.
There are a number of different treatments for depression, but none of them that you can take charge of. While you might be able to spot the signs of depression in your partner, you can’t force them to act in their best interests until they’re ready to do so. Until that time comes, all you can do is love them and keep a few key things in mind. This understanding under your belt, you might just stand a chance, but it takes patience and radical acceptance.
1. Depression is a withdrawal.
Loving someone with depression can feel like a game of hide and seek. One moment, they might be present and engaged and the next — they’re gone. Depression is a withdrawal, but it’s not a withdrawal from you and that’s important to keep in mind.
Depressed people often pull back into themselves, in a desperate attempt to conserve what energy they have left. The person you know and love is still there, but it can feel as though you’ve lost them for a while, and that’s enough to leave anyone feeling uncertain and off-foot.
You have to remember that this withdrawal has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their survival. Detach yourself from the personal nature of this retraction and embrace the fact that they’re just doing the best they can. It’s not that they don’t love you, it’s just that they can’t even love themselves.
2. Depression is not a choice.
People with depression want to be happy — their brains just won’t let them. A depressed person’s emotions are hijacked in a way that leaves them feeling scooped out and empty, devoid of any happiness and joy. Depression is relentless and it is never, ever a choice that someone makes.
3. They aren’t broken.
While depression might be an abnormal emotional state, it doesn’t mean the depressed person is broken or worthless. We all know what it means to feel sad and disconnected, the depressed person just has an amplified experience of these emotions.
It’s important to remember that depression is not a personality flaw and it’s not an obstacle that can’t be overcome. Just because someone loses themselves in hopelessness doesn’t mean they can’t come back. Practice patience and practice understanding, and remember the same beautiful person you love is under there — they might just need help clawing their way back to the surface.
4. It’s okay to be frustrated.
Loving someone with depression can make you feel just as hopeless or lost. It’s exhausting and lonely, loving someone who withdraws into their feelings. That’s why it’s critical to remember your own feelings and the right you have to feel the way you feel.
It’s okay to get angry or feel frustrated by your own part in the circumstances. You’re only human and denying your emotions will lead to further unhappiness on your end. Embrace how you’re feeling and understand that it’s okay to feel hurt or frustrated too. What’s important is that you don’t throw your hands up in the air and walk away.
Living with someone who’s battling depression can feel like being in the center of a high-stakes arena battle. No matter how cool you try to stay, your back will get pushed against the wall time and time again. Remember to keep your cool and remember that you’re both fighting a common enemy and it’s not the person standing next to you. See through the symptoms. The person you love is still there, but they need you to keep fighting.
5. Be okay with nothing.
It’s critical to let your loved one know that they are loved — even when they’re slim on things to bring to the table.
Sometimes, the burden of depression makes it too hard to give other people anything. Instead of words, all you have is silence; instead of action, all you have is heartbroken stillness.
Be okay with that nothing and let the other person know that you love that version of them too: the version that has nothing to offer and nowhere else to go. Let them know that they’re loved whether they have a river of words or nothing to say at all, and let them know that you’re there for them no matter what.
6. Drop the forced positivity.
If there’s one thing that undermines a depressed person’s struggle, it’s forced positivity. While you might be reframing things with a loving intent, it doesn’t work, because it sends out the message that you don’t truly understand or don’t care to. When someone’s depressed, there is no positive, so drop the fake and don’t be afraid to get real with them; but do so with love and do so with the right timing.
You don’t have to fix the other person. Remember that. You’re not responsible for healing them, and they don’t expect you to. What they do expect is a person that will be there for them and listen as they vent, and they expect that the person they love will be real with them — even when the thoughts are heavy, dark or hard to swallow.
Acknowledge your loved one’s pain and stick to phrases like, “I know this is hard for you,” or “You’re so strong. I don’t know how I could handle hurting like you are.” Drop the b.s. and let them know that you’re trying to understand what they’re going through. Even if it makes you feel helpless, reassure them that you’re on their side and do what you can to communicate that they don’t have to shelter the burden of their pain alone.
7. Be honest about your own struggle.
Just because someone you love is struggling doesn’t mean you have to conceal your own struggle. Stop glossing over things and be honest. If the truth is that it’s hard for you to see them struggling, say that, and be honest about the way their pain makes you feel.
Sharing your own honest emotions can help create a common ground that shrinks the distance between the two of you. By sharing your own brutal reality, you can help change the perspective for the depressed party, and prove to them that you’re not trying to solve anything — you’re just trying to be there.
8. Ask how you can help (and *listen* to the response.)
Depression is different for everyone, and while it is not dependent on outside triggers, there are often things we do (or don’t do) that can contribute to or detract from the bad feelings our loved one is experiencing.
Ask what they need from you in order to feel better. Ask if there’s any behaviors you engage in that are making things feel better or worse. Listen honestly when your partner or spouse opens up, and don’t shy away if they express a need for you to do something differently.
Sometimes, the smallest adjustment on our part can make the difference in whether or not someone finds their own way back to the light. Help them see that change is possible by changing what you need to, without compromising your own needs or emotional wellbeing.
9. Be the replacer of things stolen.
One of the best ways to help facilitate healing in the life of a depressed loved on is to be a replacer of the things that were stolen by depression. Try to initiate the things they used to love and do everything you can to maintain those connections and positive feelings that once brought them joy.
Don’t wait for them to feel like doing things, get them out of bed and off the couch, and back out into the world that they once knew and loved. Be tender, be gentle but reintroduce them to the life that was slowly stolen from them by their illness. While they might be resistant to change, in time, you’ll find them starting to reconnect with the joy and spirit they thought was lost forever. You can be the catalyst they need, but it takes commitment on your part.
10. Stop asking them why they’re depressed.
Because we are so familiar with sadness and the specificity of it’s nature, we often think that we can “heal” the depression of our loved ones by simply getting to the “root” of their problem.
Asking someone with depression why they’re depressed is like asking the ocean why it’s wet. It just is. If they knew why they were down, they wouldn’t be down. There’s nothing they can do about their state of mind. That’s just the way they’re programmed.
Depression can strike even when everything looks perfect on paper. Even if certain triggers lead to an certain uptick or downtick, depression is a pervasive feeling that doesn’t have to have a rhyme or reason. Depression doesn’t play by rules, so there’s often not an answer when you ask, “Why are you depressed?” Avoid the question altogether and you’ll avoid a major pitfall.
11. Put a cap on the negative talk.
Encouraging our loved ones to open up about their depression is important, but it’s also important not to let them dwell too long in their negative thoughts or emotions.
Our thoughts are like magnets. What we think, we attract. When we dwell in the nasty or negative emotions that radiate from our depression, we attract more of that unhappiness and negativity into our lives. It’s important to keep a cap on the negative talk and not let it domineer the lives of both parties, lest you both get swallowed up in the darkness.
Negative thought that recirculates is better known as rumination, and it undermines our wellbeing in some surprising ways. It’s hard to move forward through the negative emotions presented by depression when you’re stuck in the baggage of the past, so it’s critical to talk it out, but cut it off when the discussion no longer serves a purpose.
12. Remember that depressed people are strong.
Our society teaches us that depression is a sign of weakness, but nothing could be further from the truth. Those with depression are incredibly strong, and it is their depression that gives them this strength. It takes an immense amount of willpower to keep existing — day after day — despite the constant and inescapable pain of depression. If you’re living with someone who battles depression, you’re living with a titan, and it’s important to remember that in the darkest moments when it seems like neither one of you can go on.
13. You need to grieve too.
Depression steals our loved ones in many ways, stealing from us the dreams and futures we had so carefully planned. It’s natural to feel a sense of grief when it feels like you’re losing your friend, partner or spouse to depression. Some days, you’re going to need to fall to your knees and cry. That’s okay. Remember that you need to grieve too and let your feelings come as they need to.
You’re fighting a battle too, so it’s important to have your own support system — independent of the person battling depression. Reach out to someone you trust and share the burden of your struggle and the emotions that are causing turmoil in your life and your relationship. We all need someone to lean on, and we all need to have time to grieve when we lose the things that matter. Give your feelings the air they need and grieve what you’ve lost too.
Putting it all together…
Depression is a complicated disease and one that can strike when we least expect it. Even when everything looks perfect on paper, depression can make it all seem wrong, and cast our relationships down into impossible stakes that make it hard to help our partners — let alone keep our own heads above water. Helping a friend or loved one through a depressive stretch takes a lot of compassion and a lot of understanding. It can be done, though, as long as you keep a few key things in mind.
Depression is not sadness. It is a pervasive and abnormal emotional state that robs us of our hope and happiness despite the reality of our environments. Our loved ones don’t choose to be depressed, and they’re not broken because of it. Rather, they’re being made stronger in the fires of adversity, but they need you to stand by them. Acknowledge your own needs and remember that you’re both fighting a common enemy. Few things are as powerful as the human connection, so rely on that connection in your darkest moments. You don’t have to fight for someone to fight for them. Just be there for them and open up your patient heart.
