How to Be an Outstanding Boundary Setter

Start by owning your power

Boundaries are the lines we draw that mark off our autonomy and that of other people, that protect our privacy and that of others. Boundaries allow for intimate connection without dissolving or losing one’s sense of self. ~Amy Bloom

Boundaries set parameters for our relationships.

They show others we respect and care for ourselves. They’re a clear indicator we care about them, too. Boundaries show what’s acceptable and what isn’t. They allow for relationships to flourish.

Do we know how to maintain our boundaries in the heat of the moment? Do we honor our right to feel safe, comfortable, and respected?

We might forget we have choices. We have the power to choose when to say no, and when to say yes. Everyone has the freedom to say what feels right. You have a right to speak up for your wants and needs. We get to say when we need personal space, quiet time, or clear communication.

I’ve had boundaries crossed since childhood. My biological mother still challenges my limits and crosses lines I’ve drawn. When I became a parent, I knew I wanted a different relationship with my kids.

Boundaries are important.

If you don’t set and maintain clear boundaries, two problems will arise. First, they won’t know what to expect from you. Then, they’ll try to figure out your limits by pushing you. They challenge presumed limits when they believe you might change your mind.

For example, my kids push me when I’ve waffled with decision making. What is my limit on eating sweets? If I want my boundary to be consistent, I need to enforce it. It means I offer the sweet treat at certain times in particular quantities, every time.

If I change my mind, I need to prepare for pushback. I get into trouble when I’m inconsistent. I start to resent them. But it’s my problem. I resent myself for not owning my power and standing in my truth.

How do we set boundaries? How do we consistently maintain them?

Here are a few ways to set and maintain boundaries like a rock star:

Assess your needs and wants

Ask yourself what’s important to you. You need to know where your limits begin and end, and why. I have a thing about having enough personal space. I know this about myself, so I set appropriate boundaries around it.

It’s ok to have limits. It’s healthy to recognize and express our needs and desires. We have a right and responsibility to voice them and let others hear us.

If you’re upset by someone’s actions, ask yourself if you’ve expressed your intentions. Then ask them for what you want and need. Before setting limits, however, you’ll need to know what you want.

Recognize your power to choose

You’re worthy of this kind of care. You choose how others treat you. You can be flexible, too. But make a decision. Express your limits. You’ll provide structure.

What feels good is subject to change. Your needs will fluctuate, depending on your mood or intentions for the day.

I often forget I can change my mind anytime. I only need to express what’s changed and what I want now.

Set clear, realistic boundaries based on your needs and wants

If you want your needs met, you’ll need to speak up. Set boundaries that feel comfortable. Tell the other person what you expect of them. Anticipate their response. If it works for them, great. Other times, it might not. Sometimes you’ll have to compromise.

Whatever your boundary, be clear. Use your voice. It’s acceptable to get your needs met. Assert yourself and be your own best advocate. Teach others how to treat you.

Be consistent with maintaining boundaries

Consistency is key to showing people what’s important to you. Maintaining boundaries creates balance inside of you and a cue for others to know your expectations.

Make sure you’re not building walls instead. Boundaries are meant to be guidelines for establishing what you need in a relationship.

Accept others’ boundaries

The other person might not agree with your limits. They also have their own. Make agreements about your expectations. Listen to what they want and need. Determine if you’re willing to respect these boundaries.When you discuss them, it’ll be easy to understand each other.

Consent is everything

I inadvertently cross my kids’ boundaries sometimes. I’ve brushed my oldest child’s long, thick hair without asking her. If I want to teach her consent and respecting limits, I need to respect her needs. I only intervene when the issue involves health and safety.

My kids test my limits because of my inconsistency. Sometimes I’m ok with them coming into my open room unannounced. But lately, I need space. I asked my youngest child to knock before she enters. She’s knocked nearly every time since then. She’s 4 years old. We’ll see how that goes.

Be gentle with yourself when you’re unclear or inconsistent

I’m working on making compromises with my kids. Sometimes I’m too rigid (building walls), or I flop around without clear boundaries. Balance is crucial here.

I’ve let my boundaries get crossed and became resentful. There’s a solution. Maybe it’s time to clarify what I want, then follow through.

Final thoughts

There are more than a few of us who never learned how to set healthy boundaries. We might have had an overly permissive upbringing. Or maybe our caregivers set unreasonable limits resembling walls. Others had confusing, unclear boundaries. Maybe your family ignored your needs and personal limits.

You will transcend your family history. Your life doesn’t have to be a repeat of the dysfunction you experienced in childhood.

Personal boundaries show others you love yourself enough to establish acceptable limits. They show others what you want in your relationship. They signal what fills you up and what causes you discomfort. Setting clear limits is essential to healthy communication.

Stand in your power. Choose to set and maintain reasonable boundaries. Respect others’ need for the same. You’ll enjoy clarifying, mutually satisfying relationships.

Boundaries are basically about providing structure, and structure is essential in building anything that thrives.~Henry Cloud

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