Summary

The article emphasizes the importance of self-reliance in achieving personal happiness and the pitfalls of codependency in relationships.

Abstract

The text discusses the misconception that happiness is contingent upon external factors, such as romantic relationships or material possessions. It argues that true happiness comes from within and that expecting a partner to fulfill all emotional needs is both unrealistic and a sign of codependency. The author, speaking from personal experience with alcoholism and codependency, highlights the cultural influences that encourage codependent behavior and the necessity of recognizing one's own responsibility in managing emotions and meeting personal needs. The article suggests that self-awareness, self-care, and service to others are key to maintaining a healthy sense of self and a balanced relationship. It concludes with the author's commitment to personal growth and the importance of connecting with others from a place of wholeness rather than neediness.

Opinions

Happiness is an individual responsibility and cannot be outsourced to a partner or external circumstances.
Needing someone else to complete you is a sign of codependency, which can be exacerbated by cultural narratives promoting an incomplete self without a romantic partner.
Material possessions and societal standards of beauty or success do not guarantee happiness.
Codependency can lead to unrealistic expectations in relationships, often resulting in disappointment and potential pushback from partners.
Emotional self-sufficiency, including taking ownership of one's feelings and needs, is crucial for a healthy relationship.
Engaging in self-care practices and being of service to others can help maintain emotional balance and prevent codependent tendencies.
Recognizing and addressing codependent behavior is the first step toward personal growth and healthier relationships.
The author acknowledges the challenges of maintaining independence in a long-distance relationship and the importance of not losing oneself in another person.

You’re Responsible For Your Own Happiness

Enjoy a thriving, mutually satisfying love relationship when you take care of your needs

Sometimes it takes being left seemingly with nothing to realize that you are everything. To see that you held the key to your own happiness and self-worth and belonging and wholeness all along.~Mandy Hale

If you depend on others to make you happy, you’ll end up disappointed.

It’s an unreasonable expectation and often pushes them away. The demand is too high and impossible to achieve.

Needing another person to complete you in some way is a sign of codependency.

Having a loved one who’s incapacitated by addiction or mental illness can bring on codependency. But anyone can become codependent.

You can’t expect your partner to fulfill needs that you can take care of yourself. That includes taking ownership of your emotions.

No one has the power to make anyone feel anything. Our feelings belong to us. We’re responsible for filling our cup. Then we don’t make unnecessary demands on others for our wellbeing.

As a recovering alcoholic and codependent, I’ve experienced both sides. I’ve had others enable me and I’ve enabled an alcoholic ex-boyfriend. No one can force anyone to put down a drink or a drug. We were no exception.

I’ve been in recovery for a number of years, so I’m much better at discerning when to help and when to let go.

There’s one area that’s still tricky for me, though. Perhaps you’ll relate.

Codependent behavior is encouraged in American culture.

We’re fed media stories about how relationships should be. They say we need someone to take care of us, that another person can complete us. They’re implying that we aren’t whole beings without someone else.

They tell us how much we need all the accoutrements, like that fancy car, sexy black dress or shimmering ruby lipstick.

If we dress ourselves up in pretty things, we’ll be happy. Then we’ll find the perfect mate who will keep us happy.

I don’t buy into that nonsense and I live a simple life above media influence. But it’s so pervasive, it’s no wonder many of us struggle to remember that we find joy through our own experiences and actions.

“I don’t want you to lose yourself in me,” he said.

I assured him I wouldn’t, knowing that would be the death of us. We haven’t even fully come to life yet. When he speaks of these things, I pay attention.

After I hung up the phone, I thought about what it means to lose yourself in someone else.

I’d stop thinking about my needs and desires and focus only on what he wants. I’d think so much about him that I might neglect myself.

My happiness would be contingent upon how much he pays attention to me. I’d likely push him away with my neediness.

Thank goodness I’m not doing any of those things. I’m so grateful I’m healthy.

But wait, it gets more complicated. That’s what codependency brings, complications.

We’re in the mere beginnings of a long distance relationship. We haven’t seen each other since we were teenagers and we live over 2,000 miles apart.

We’ve talked every few days for months. We have long, deep conversations that bring us closer together in the emotional sense. I haven’t touched him yet.

Still, I can’t stop thinking about him, about us being together.

I admit that sometimes I feel sad when he doesn’t answer the phone. That usually happens when I’m feeling particularly vulnerable or misunderstood by others. My motive for calling is self-centered.

Instead of wanting him to enhance my already full life, there’s a part of me that expects him to make me feel better. I’ll tell myself he’s the only one who will understand what I’m going through and he’ll know just what to say.

Much of that is true, that he’s a friend who will listen to me. But he can’t fix any of it. He can’t be everything to me. I guess I’ve been depending on him for my happiness.

Did I just lose myself in him?

Damn it.

I won’t let that happen.

Awareness is the first step toward change.

Whenever we get that wake-up call, the first impression might look like failure. But this is good. At least we know what not to do again.

We seek outside of ourselves for love when we forget that it resides inside of us. It’s ok to call another friend who’s free to listen when we feel overly attached to someone.

I used to make the rounds with all of my sober girlfriends whenever I felt an urge to call the one person I thought would complete me.

Pour Love All Over Yourself

When I focus on myself, I redirect my energy toward positive change.

My self-care rituals are pretty simple. I meditate, write a gratitude list, get plenty of sleep, take a walk, or go out for tea and conversation with my friend.

Focusing on ourselves reminds us that we control our desires, our actions, and our feelings. We can choose how to respond to others. We work on ourselves. We fill ourselves up without expecting others to fill in our empty spaces.

Find a way to be of service.

Once I’ve filled my cup to the brim with some TLC, I’m ready to give back.

Offering wanted help is a good way to keep yourself busy until you can bring your best self back to your loved one. Be sure that the person has asked for your help.

Often when I contact friends, they need to talk about things troubling them. That’s my favorite way to be of service. I get out of my head and into my heart.

Connect with your special human.

When we know our part, we can enjoy the other person for what they bring into the relationship. They’re here to enhance our life experience and expand our existent joy.

We are responsible for how we feel and how we act in relationship. We’re two unique humans coming together, allowing space in our togetherness.

Let’s stay in touch. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, or my personal blog at gratefulx365.wordpress.com. Submit your amazing stories to my Medium publication, Gratefully Yours.