SELF-CARE/SEXUALITY/AGING

How to be a Ridiculously Great-Looking Older Broad

I got your tips

Several weeks ago, after reading a particularly fetid piece of poo written by a Medium writer who pissed and moaned about men finding her sexy, I wrote the following:

For me, an older broad, sexiness — feeling sexy — is a gift. I’ll take that over “dried up and invisible” any day. Because I know that’s how many women of a certain age feel. As if they have nothing to offer of any worth to anyone. And that’s on our agist society.

We can’t let them do that to us, ladies. We have to start kicking ignorant ass.

Anyway, before I build up a full head of steam, let me get to the point of this story. As for its title, I know my friends here will take it for the leg-pulling that it is. Beauty is subjective and always in the eye of the beholder. That said, what I’ve found is that if I adopt certain self-care rituals that help me feel good in my own skin, my confidence gets a boost and thereby, my appearance. Simply put, if I feel good, I look good. I believe this is the case for many of us, no?

So, in no particular order, here are a few of the habits I’ve committed to over the years that have contributed to my emotional and physical well-being. Mentally, I’m still a bit screwy, but that’s a story for another day.

“Skin” is the thing.

It’s the largest organ in our body and we need to nurture it. Period. That means no tanning. None. Okay, maybe five minutes, or so. But, know that if you continue to sunbathe or use a tanning bed, you will pay the price in that, ultimately, you will look like an alligator or worse, get skin cancer. Now, I don’t know very many older women who still believe that tanned skin is a good look, but I’ll bet there are a few of you out there.

Sure, a bit of a bronze glow never hurt. It’s sexy and connotes “health.” But, that can be faked. Purchase one of the millions of bronzers available and dust it over your cheekbones, the bridge of your nose, your collarbone — -everywhere the sun would hit.

Growing up, I was a fucking maniac when it came to tanning.

We used to take album covers, drape them in aluminum foil and hold them up around our chins to tan our faces. We literally sizzled our skin. Skin slathered in baby oil, by the way, to accelerate the cooking process.

My parents (who were also fanatical about looking brown as berries), had a sunlamp in their room and when the weather was inclement, I would lie under that thing and “keep the glow, going.” One time, I fell asleep and awoke with my eyes stuck together.

In retrospect, I’m fortunate, as even though I mistreated my skin back in the day, I have very few wrinkles. I attribute this to genes and also, the fact that I quickly learned that incorporating a skincare regime into my routine morning and night, would help negate some of the bad I’d done.

Moving on, exfoliate, ladies. You have to use a little elbow grease to get the dead skin cells off of both your body and face. We shed these nasty bastards overnight and over time, the buildup leaves skin that’s dull and lifeless looking.

I actually love the process. You can buy one of a number of luxuriously-scented body scrubs that are available everywhere, but I prefer to use an inexpensive cloth that Korean women use just for exfoliating. It has the perfect texture. Not too rough, but not for sissies, either. You can find them on Amazon and in Asian markets.

In the shower, I slather the cloth with one of my tons of body washes and go to town. When I’m finished, I feel clean and refreshed.

But, we’re not done, yet. After you’ve scrubbed the shit out of yourself, you must moisturize because your skin is now prepped for a lush layering of whatever body lotion you like. Body oil is a great option, too. Or, a mixture of both lotion and oil. I’ve found that grapeseed oil, from the grocery store, is excellent because it sinks right into the skin without leaving a slimy residue.

Let me take a moment here to share something.

When it comes to bath and body products, I’m a bit of a psycho.

I love them. I love their different scents and textures, the fact that some “speak” to me during particular seasons, and, when their scent lingers, I feel sexy, sensual, and also, comforted.

It’s a hoard, but an organized hoard. I used to feel bad about it and then I decided, “Fuck that.” My body lotions and potions make me feel good about myself and in this shitty world, I’ll take it. So, if you’re anything like me, I hope you adopt the same mindset.

Anoint yourself with scent (if that’s your jam).

I love smelling good. I’m a freak for perfumes and perfume oils, which I’ve been collecting for years. One of my guilty pleasures is organizing my scents by season. It’s a ritual, a stupid one, perhaps, but again, I find this comforting.

In the cooler months, I gravitate toward musky scents and gourmands which I adore as they make me smell ridiculously edible. Caramel, brown sugar, vanilla, I love them all, but I especially enjoy those sweet notes that are also a bit “dirty,” or carnal, if you will.

When the weather warms up, my fragrance notes lean toward heavy florals like gardenia, jasmine (so freaking sexy), and tuberose.

I enjoy layering scents, as well, so I’ll sneak in a gourmand with a floral, just because.

Now, I realize many people are allergic to scent so naturally, that’s a nonstarter, but, if you enjoy them, take a cue from this Ridiculously Great-Looking Older Broad and spritz and dab away. No need to wait for a special occasion or for someone else to tell you that you smell sexy AF. Do it for you.

When it comes to makeup, less is (often) more.

I discovered this quite by accident. When I was still employed, over five years ago, like many women who use cosmetics, I had a set “look,” you know? There was a bit of spackle (foundation), concealer, and all the rest of the face and eye stuff. I used lots of different colors and textures, including shimmers, but the “volume” was always the same.

And then, one night, I was preparing to go out, doing my usual thing and it occurred to me, gazing at myself in the mirror, that I no longer “needed” to wear much foundation, if any. My skin looked damn fine without it. And that’s what I’ve discovered about makeup overall. Please understand, I still love it and get a kick out of using it, but, as we age, there’s no need to go full-tilt, unless we want to. Of course, I don’t care to emulate a “little old lady” in a life insurance commercial, either, and that’s the key: Do what you want and what makes you feel good. For example, I still employ shimmer, but judiciously, and I’ll never give up my red lip.

Masturbate!

I’m not going to tell you how because you should know where your best bits are and how to get them charged but if you’re really confused, you can always Google. Or, email me.

Kidding aside, unless your clit dropped dead and didn’t give you fair warning, masturbation is healthy, natural, and pleasurable AF. Especially if you’re on your own, your partner has given up on sex, has forgotten what sex is, or doesn’t give a rat’s ass, or if you’re bored and there’s nothing on Netflix you want to binge, just do it.

In fact, you don’t need a reason to “interfere with yourself,” as the pithy Irish say. Do it for me. Then look in the mirror. I promise you’ll have a glow that rivals the one imparted by the iconic blush by Nars Cosmetics, aptly called “Orgasm.”

Finally, if anyone says “you’re too old” for long hair, or red lipstick, or short skirts, or low-cut tops, or any of that bullshit, kick their ass.

Or, I’ll do it for you. I mean it.

To all of you Ridiculously Great-Looking Older Broads out there, I can’t stress this enough: You’re not too old for anything that’s safe, technically legal, and that makes you feel like a confident, sexy, badass.

And you’re never, ever, too old to dream.

(By “safe,” I mean, as fit as I am, I probably wouldn’t attempt a cartwheel as I’d break my friggin’ neck. But, if you think you can, then go for it.)

One more thing and I don’t want to cram this down your throats, but regular exercise is key to feeling and looking good. Try to make it a priority, yeah?

Okay. This Ridiculously Great-looking Older Broad is done preaching. I hope you enjoyed this article and found it of value, or, at the very least, entertaining.

Later, my beauties.

© Sherry McGuinn, 2023. All Rights Reserved.

If this story gave you goosies, please check out the ones I’ve conveniently linked to and my newsletter, Sherry Raw.

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. She is currently pitching her newest screenplay, “The Month We Fell Apart,” a drama with dark, comedic overtones inspired by a true story, as well as “DEAD TIRED,” a female-driven, ass-kicking thriller.