avatarRobert W. Locke

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2008

Abstract

a Medium publication. These are the snobbish ones who cannot even hire a few more editors. They could not give a damn about <b><i>“Medium Writers Matter.”</i></b></li><li>How to get claps for your stories that do NOT count towards your earnings.</li><li>How to use clickbait shamelessly.</li><li>How to nuance and twerk your writing.</li><li>How to open up and write about your addictions, mental health, poverty, and sexual perversions.</li><li>How to build an email list. Lots of talks about eggs in one basket. How and where to buy more baskets.</li><li>How to write with a unique voice — whispering, sniggering, shouting, ranting, and weeping.</li></ul><h2 id="a565">So, here’s MY advice on how to be a Medium star:-</h2><p id="b003"><b>DON’T</b> join any Facebook groups. They are all into scratching each other’s backs. It gets a bit itchy. There are strict rules about posting on the right day. Some admins cannot even get the right day or date so just don’t waste your time.</p><p id="b5b9"><b>DON’T</b> write every day. If you do, you are overloading the system and you have no chance at all of getting curated. Medium has no intention of hiring more curators or editors to cope with the deluge. So, why should your writing be lost in a tsunami?</p><p id="0962"><b>DON’T </b>waste time commenting on people’s posts as these count as stories. Why make a comment into a story? Writers are not toddlers learning to read.</p><p id="1b98"><b>DON’T</b> even try to understand the stats. No writer does. Nobody in Medium does either. The bots do all this dirty work.</p><p id="0d89"><b>DON’T </b>believe anything about changes in Medium rules and regulations. It will not change your life or waistline in any way.</p><p id="13cc"><b>DON’T </b>write to Medium about a problem. You will get an automated reply written and sent by a bot who is masking as a ‘friend.’ Creepy.</p><p id="dc1c"><b><i>So, my advice is to write about anything you want, when you want and as often as you need to.</i></b></p><p id=

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"9ddb"><b>Success will be yours eventually.</b></p><p id="1d24"><b><i>Oops -that’s what all the charlatans say. The same message but mine is free!</i></b></p><p id="a26a">Other fun stuff I have tried to write</p><div id="4953" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/welcome-to-bikeair-the-only-really-sustainable-airline-f2aacdc19248"> <div> <div> <h2>Welcome to BikeAir — The Only Really Sustainable Airline</h2> <div><h3>This is what a green flight feels like.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*jXy1xI9M1-GX1ptF)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="f60e" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-and-why-i-came-out-as-a-medium-curator-b768ca681bba"> <div> <div> <h2>How and Why I Came Out as A Medium Curator.</h2> <div><h3>It looked like a model Medium family until…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*xNkWxHMECwHfWfHM)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="a1dc" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/trump-visits-the-vicious-dogs-4b939cef7b51"> <div> <div> <h2>Trump Visits The Vicious Dogs</h2> <div><h3>Life in the bunker is fun!</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*dlZohKKCceeuwgnn)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Satire

How To Be A Medium Star

It’s so simple.

Photo by Jesse Schoff on Unsplash

Medium is full of good advice. Truth is- none of it works! Let me tell you about this cult so that you have been warned.

There are Medium gods who are worshipped by thousands of followers- just because they made a few thousand dollars. How can writers stoop so low? How can they be so gullible?

Then there are the charlatans (mostly those who have made just a little more than $100 a month). Having reached that milestone they think they are already celebrities.

The gods and the charlatans have one thing in common. They offer fake cures:-

  • How to get X followers in 3 months
  • How to get curated — cures(!) include fake potions about headlines, topics, tags, and formatting. A little gibberish about bots and algorithms is always thrown in.
  • How to organize your own publication — there are already 15,000 of them and there are 30,000 writers. Do the math.
  • How to write about yourself only — ideal for narcissists. Always start with ‘I’.
  • Write about how YOU improved your life, mood, body, partner, job, kids, and grandparents. Readers would love to know. Actually, they don’t because Medium is like a muddy swamp difficult to navigate.
  • How to build relationships with writers and readers. Why would you want to bother? Who wants another online affair?
  • How to use social media to promote your writing which nobody will read.
  • How to be patient and learn how to waste two whole weeks of your life waiting for rejection from a Medium publication. These are the snobbish ones who cannot even hire a few more editors. They could not give a damn about “Medium Writers Matter.”
  • How to get claps for your stories that do NOT count towards your earnings.
  • How to use clickbait shamelessly.
  • How to nuance and twerk your writing.
  • How to open up and write about your addictions, mental health, poverty, and sexual perversions.
  • How to build an email list. Lots of talks about eggs in one basket. How and where to buy more baskets.
  • How to write with a unique voice — whispering, sniggering, shouting, ranting, and weeping.

So, here’s MY advice on how to be a Medium star:-

DON’T join any Facebook groups. They are all into scratching each other’s backs. It gets a bit itchy. There are strict rules about posting on the right day. Some admins cannot even get the right day or date so just don’t waste your time.

DON’T write every day. If you do, you are overloading the system and you have no chance at all of getting curated. Medium has no intention of hiring more curators or editors to cope with the deluge. So, why should your writing be lost in a tsunami?

DON’T waste time commenting on people’s posts as these count as stories. Why make a comment into a story? Writers are not toddlers learning to read.

DON’T even try to understand the stats. No writer does. Nobody in Medium does either. The bots do all this dirty work.

DON’T believe anything about changes in Medium rules and regulations. It will not change your life or waistline in any way.

DON’T write to Medium about a problem. You will get an automated reply written and sent by a bot who is masking as a ‘friend.’ Creepy.

So, my advice is to write about anything you want, when you want and as often as you need to.

Success will be yours eventually.

Oops -that’s what all the charlatans say. The same message but mine is free!

Other fun stuff I have tried to write

Writing
Satire
Self
Life Improvement
Success
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