Humor
Welcome to BikeAire — The Only Really Sustainable Airline
This is what a green flight feels like.
When we booked our flight with BikeAire, we knew that we were helping the environment make a lasting recovery after COVID-19. Fewer CO2 emissions and a greener flight all round.
We have all been brainwashed with how many tonnes of C02 a plane uses. On a flight from Paris to Abu Dhabi, it is about 1,58 tonnes per person! Is that too difficult to understand?
Let’s break it down. That’s the same as YOU using
- 2,251 laundry washes — that’s about 43 washes a week. Squeaky clean!
- 772 showers of 10 minutes. That’s about 2 a day. What’s your job? A coal miner?
- 880 days watching TV — that’s like watching TV all day, every day for a period of 2 years. You don’t want a holiday, you need therapy.
I don’t get it. If you are watching TV all day, how can your clothes get so dirty? Where do you find the time to have two showers of 10 minutes? You will miss your favorite football match or sitcom. And sleep? Oh, I see, you are an insomniac.
I digress. My partner and I decided that we wanted a greener flight which would make our carbon footprint look a lot more respectable.
Trying to keep up with the Thunbergs is no joke.
We opted straight away for BikeAire. You see they offer super low prices and their flights are hybrid-powered — they use pedal power and dirty smelly petrol. They claim to be the only airline in the world doing this and that is why their flights are so cheap.
When we got on board, we found the changes were quite startling:-
Totally green interior decoration with pictures of trees and bushes. Flight attendants had green uniforms and it was sometimes hard to distinguish them with that background. We couldn’t see the attendants for the trees. Bike icons on every number and notice. Green seats, green smoothies for inflight drinks, and rows were called bike lanes.
We were in bike lane 3 and our seat numbers were T(tree) 4 and 5. The aisle was called the forest walk.
As we settled into our seats, we listened to the captain making the welcome announcement-
“Welcome aboard our BikeAire flight from Paris to Abu Dhabi. We will get you to your destination safely and ecologically. We do require you to help us by pedaling for both takeoff and landing. Your bike units are under the seats in front of you. Once we start taxiing down the runway, the bike pedals will glide up to meet your feet and you will be required to fasten your feet belts. Our flight assistants will move down the forest walk and check that all feet belts are correctly fitted.
We will instruct you when you can start pedaling for take-off. This is an excellent way to operate this unique hybrid plane and we hope you enjoy your flight with BikeAire today.”
As the plane moved down the runway, I felt a bit nervous. Would my pedal power be enough to gain a few extra bike miles for our next flight? I am 72 and my partner is a young lass of 65.
We started pedaling slowly and gently. But at a certain point, as the plane gained speed, we heard the captain announce:-
PEDAL FASTER PLEASE!
We pedaled faster. Then the red light with the inevitable bike icon started flashing above my head.
“Will the passenger in seat T4, please pedal much faster?- We need more power to take off.”
That was me! I pedaled more furiously than ever and by the time we reached cruising height, we were totally exhausted.
The next announcement came.
“Thank you for all your efforts. We are now cruising at 34,000 feet and there is no need to pedal anymore. Your pedal units will now retract. Enjoy your flight.”
The flight attendants passed down the forest walk and handed out warm towels to massage our sore calf and thigh muscles.
As we approached Abu Dhabi, the captain announced.
“This is your captain speaking. We are now commencing our descent. All passengers are required to BACK PEDAL in order to reduce speed to ensure a safe and smooth landing.”
Here we go again! We started backpedaling furiously to reduce speed and the captain shouted:-
BACK PEDAL FASTER.
Finally, we landed, passengers applauded and everybody began to relax. I was disappointed to discover I had earned only 5 bikemiles while my partner had gained 30.
Never again!
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