How to Admit Your Kinks to Your Partner

And finally get the kind of sex you want

I’ve always been very open about sex but painfully shy about my own sexual preferences.

I was the foul-mouthed girl in my friend group, the one who would bring up any topic and talk about it in detail.

But I couldn’t tell my boyfriends what I wanted to do with them.

When I met Mr. Austin, he made me feel safer than anyone else had. I felt like I could be myself with him and not hide anything away.

Except what happened in the dirty parts of my mind.

Early in our relationship, I really wanted to have anal sex with him, but I couldn’t bring myself to admit that. So, instead, I rubbed my ass against his cock until he got the picture and stuck it in.

I thought it would be so fucking hot if he would talk dirty to me, but it took 14 years before I could express that desire to him.

And when I wanted more foreplay, or a different kind of approach to sex, I let our marriage bed go cold instead of just working up the nerve to stay that.

The most absurd instance, though, is probably when we were trying to get pregnant. Each time, I used the same approach: after he came inside me, I would masturbate and give myself an orgasm to help the fertilization process along.

The only problem was I didn’t want to masturbate in front of him. I’d touched myself with him before, but that was cute, porny masturbation — on my back, legs spread wide, and rubbing my clit.

That’s not how I got off privately.

When I’m alone, I get off the way I’ve been getting myself since I used to hump my stuffed animals for release. On my stomach, with my hand or a vibrator between my legs, grinding against it until I come.

So, I lied to him. I asked him to leave because I had a hard time getting myself off while he was watching me. The truth is I had given myself death grip and I was just too embarrassed to show him the only way I could masturbate to completion.

If I couldn’t even let him in on that, there was no way I could open up about all my fantasies, kinks, and desires.

Mostly, those all stayed locked up, and I just prayed and hoped that he would somehow figure them out on his own.

I would love to tell all of you that you should just be open and honest. Just sit down together and have a heart to heart where you both just go over all your kinkiest desires and your deepest fantasies. But I know how hard that can be. You can feel embarrassed or ashamed of the things that turn you on. You might worry that it would be awkward. And then there’s just the fears that come with not knowing how your partner will react.

I still struggle with that. I write explicit, detailed, confessional articles that go deep into the dirtiest parts of my mind, but I still feel shy about actually telling my husband some of the things I’m into. I have no problem at all telling him I’m about to watch porn and masturbate, but I can’t always bring myself to tell him exactly what kind of porn I’m getting off to.

It’s normal to be shy about this stuff. So, here are some ways you can bring your kinks out in the open when you feel like you can’t just bring them up.

Share Articles or Videos

I’ve always found this to be the easiest way for me to ease into revealing my desires.

Sharing articles or YouTube videos about sex is neutral enough because you can just present it as interesting and open up a conversation. You can start with “check this out” instead of “I think I’d like to try fisting.”

If you’re feeling a little bit bolder, you can share porn that depicts something that turns you on. Then, use it as a jumping off point for a discussion. Like, “When he called her a little whore, how did you feel about that?”

Get Them to Open Up First

This one’s a little sneaky, but that’s not a bad thing. It’s easier to admit to something when you’ve been asked. So, be the one to start that conversation.

Ask your partner what their fantasies are. You can be specific and ask something like “What do you think of eating ass? Is that something you find hot?” Or you can ask more open-ended questions like “What’s your weirdest sexual fantasy?” and “What’s one thing that turns you on but that we’ve never tried?”

Make it clear that it’s a judgment-free zone. That no matter how weird and wild it is, you won’t be freaked out. And that even if you might be not interested in trying it, you’re still interested in knowing what they fantasize about.

If they’re at all curious about you (and they really should be), they’ll put the same question to you after giving you their answer. And then you’ll both be aware of each other’s kinks with neither of you having to feel ashamed.

Start with Something Tame

If you want to test the waters, start talking about a kink that’s on the tamer side, or maybe a milder version of the one you really want to explore. That will help you be more comfortable about opening up and will also give you a chance to gauge how they react before you introduce the really hardcore stuff.

If you’re turned on by the idea of being bound up and dominated, you can ease into it by telling your partner you’d like to be blindfolded or spanked during sex. If that goes well, you can float the idea of taking it a little further by experimenting with handcuffs and floggers.

Test It Out in Dirty Talk

Dirty talk is a great way to express your kink without having to actually commit to exploring it. And it can be a good way to see if everyone would actually be comfortable trying it out.

Dirty talk is a safe zone for me and my husband. Mr. Austin can say “You’d love it if I came in your mouth, wouldn’t you?” while I’m going down on him and I can moan in agreement because we’re just in the realm of fantasy — he knows he’d have to pull out.

Asking to make your kink part of dirty talk can make it easier to admit your fantasy than proposing it as something you’d actually want to try out.

Take a Questionnaire

Last year, I took a sex questionnaire with Mr. Austin and it was a lot of fun. We spent more time laughing than having a serious discussion, but we also learned a few things about each other.

It’s how he found out I wanted to try using a buttplug. We did anal and I knew he was into that, but I just didn’t know if he’d be into incorporating anal toys. Doing that questionnaire brought that out and showed me that he was into it — he even bought me a glass one for Sexmas.

Some of the quizzes, like MojoUpgrade, will only reveal what kinks you’re both into. So your secret desire to be gang banged or have sex in public won’t come to light unless it’s also something your partner is open to.

Make It a Sexy Game

Making it a game works, too. Just confessing your fantasy or asking them “Okay, tell me what you’re into” can be a bit intimidating. But if you take turns asking each other about different kinks, you can explore and make it fun. On your turn, you could say “Are you turned on by feet?” and then discuss it. Then, when it’s their turn, they might ask you the same or try another one, like “How do you feel about groupsex?”

If you want to be adventurous, try a little game of sexy truth or dare. You can take turns urging each other to confess a desire or do something naughty.

And if you’re lucky, whatever game you choose ends with you both realizing you’re willing to try the same thing and you get to do something new that night.

Own It

However you want to admit your kink, do it with confidence.

Be proud of your dirty side. Even if your partner isn’t into it, they might respond better to your preferences when you own them.

I’ve got this fantasy of getting in a kiddie pool full of lube with someone and just sliding all over each other. It’s kind of weird but I think it would be a fucking blast.

My husband isn’t all that turned on by it. He might try it out if we ever have the opportunity, but it would very much be for me. And that’s okay. We don’t have to share that same desire. But because I own it, I don’t feel ashamed of it, and he just thinks of it as one of my quirks.

We all have our weird sex things. Even the most vanilla of people have their own preferences — and they might even be embarrassed at being so vanilla. What matters is that we learn to embrace them and appreciate them for making us who we are.

And our partners should be supportive of them. That’s what they’re for. It’s okay if they don’t jump into the pool of lube with you. But they should at least be willing to hold your towel while you do.

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