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Abstract

ire, England</b> (Image Google)</figcaption></figure><p id="88ab">Amazing, eh?</p><p id="bee8">Medium is a small place, but it’s also a large place, representing millions of people worldwide. So what are the chances of two people becoming editors of a relatively small publication who are from towns 30 miles apart.</p><p id="4cac">You might be thinking, WELL ACTUALLY PHIL, QUITE HIGH!</p><p id="97ff" type="7">I’m from New York and there are tonnes of Medium writers here!</p><p id="29bf">If you said that, you’d demonstrate how much of a jerk you are. Which is the perfect audition for <b><i>Doctor Funny — </i></b>or is it <b><i>Doctor Fucker</i></b> now<b><i>? </i></b>Although with five editors already feeling the pinch, I can’t imagine how six or seven or eight would work.</p><p id="1e7a">You’d probably be picked off by Big Mac’s sniper. Shot at long range with a <b>Funny Dart</b> while you eat your granola. The Funny Dart causes you to laugh uncontrollably until you regurgitate your breakfast all over your wife and kids.</p><p id="2ecc">Then when you phone the <i>Fortnightly Doctor Funny Meeting</i>, you get this message</p><p id="6b89" type="7">Fuck off and die, your call will not be answered!</p><p id="3a0f">So beware. If you’re asked to become an editor of <i>Doctor Funny</i> (aka<b><i> Doctor Evil</i></b>), I would tread very cautiously indeed. And if you do, when you receive that “Introductory Phone Call”, check there’s not a flashing Satan in the corner of your phone.</p><figure id="5e5d"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*rnjpFNbyRuxMPIA2BuXLsw.png"><figcaption><b>Hi, my name is Doctor Evil</b> (Noun <a href="https://thenounproject.com/icon/devil-1933910/">Project</a>)</figcaption></figure><p id="42d2">If there is, immediately smash your phone into a million pieces, then burn it in an industrial incinerator, before scattering the ashes in the Nile.</p><p id="6eb9">This is the only way to free yourself from the curse of <b><i>Doctor Evil</i></b>.</p><p id="b62c">And if you don’t follow these rules, your writing will be plagued forever by laughless gags and pathetic innuendos, and you’ll never be taken seriously as a comic writer again — if you ever were.</p><p id="1e15">Thanks for reading. Naturally, all of th

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e above is a joke, and the Doctor Funny ‘family’ (<a href="undefined">Kristine Laco</a>, <a href="undefined">Jennifer McDougall</a>, and Adam) including Doctor Satan himself (<a href="undefined">Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier)</a>, are all fine upstanding fellows. I think.</p><p id="4122">For more humour/humor/humr/hmr/hr/h, check out!</p><div id="bdd1" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-drag-out-your-medium-piece-to-four-hours-and-still-make-no-money-3a5d54e51b31"> <div> <div> <h2>How to Drag Out Your Medium Piece to Four Hours — And Still Make No Money!</h2> <div><h3>Become the long form writer you always wanted to be</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*znQsG8AzFCLfta6NX82D_Q.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="de58" class="link-block"> <a href="https://muddyum.net/if-ikea-made-coffins-would-you-die-for-one-2c9a03fcded7"> <div> <div> <h2>If IKEA Made Coffins — Would You Die For One?</h2> <div><h3>A new departure in home furnishing</h3></div> <div><p>muddyum.net</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*qh5Zh86NcBX7zcdh0NJvpg.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="f078" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/ive-just-been-made-editor-of-doctor-funny-that-ll-be-a-laugh-733d116aa6c7"> <div> <div> <h2>I’ve Just Been Made Editor of Doctor Funny — That’ll Be A Laugh!</h2> <div><h3>Introducing a new jerk to the team</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*Ubf3xEu4GC3eTGsf1HA61Q.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Adventures in Comedy

How This Publication Shut Me Out

And how this could happen to you!

**I used to be funny!** (Photo by Elena Cordery on Unsplash)

I imagine most people who write on here think they’re funny, otherwise they’d be writing for a serious publication like Politically Speaking.

I used to write for them, before it shut down.

That’s what they told me, anyway. But I think they wanted to get rid of me, so told me they were closing down, only to open under another title.

Doctor Funny tried this tactic. Told me they’d shut down, only to reappear weeks later as Doctor Fucker.

Doctor Fucker — 9 Out of 10 Fuckers Thought This Stuff Wasn’t Funny!

They could have at least changed the tag line.

Anyway, I forgave them. But it didn’t stop. At the next Doctor Funny Fortnightly WhatsApp Meeting, I couldn’t access the group. When I tried ringing, I received this message

This number and these people do not exist

I tried again

I told you jerkoff, stop ringing us

I was being black-balled, and I knew why.

On hiring another editor (Adam Robinson), founder Big Mac Mick Burg had inadvertently shifted the Alpha-male power balance across the Atlantic to England. Or more precisely, to the county of Yorkshire, where me and Adam are both from.

Can you believe that? By freak chance, Big Mac Burg had recruited two men who’d grown up 30 miles from one another.

Amazing, eh?

Medium is a small place, but it’s also a large place, representing millions of people worldwide. So what are the chances of two people becoming editors of a relatively small publication who are from towns 30 miles apart.

You might be thinking, WELL ACTUALLY PHIL, QUITE HIGH!

I’m from New York and there are tonnes of Medium writers here!

If you said that, you’d demonstrate how much of a jerk you are. Which is the perfect audition for Doctor Funny — or is it Doctor Fucker now? Although with five editors already feeling the pinch, I can’t imagine how six or seven or eight would work.

You’d probably be picked off by Big Mac’s sniper. Shot at long range with a Funny Dart while you eat your granola. The Funny Dart causes you to laugh uncontrollably until you regurgitate your breakfast all over your wife and kids.

Then when you phone the Fortnightly Doctor Funny Meeting, you get this message

Fuck off and die, your call will not be answered!

So beware. If you’re asked to become an editor of Doctor Funny (aka Doctor Evil), I would tread very cautiously indeed. And if you do, when you receive that “Introductory Phone Call”, check there’s not a flashing Satan in the corner of your phone.

**Hi, my name is Doctor Evil** (Noun Project)

If there is, immediately smash your phone into a million pieces, then burn it in an industrial incinerator, before scattering the ashes in the Nile.

This is the only way to free yourself from the curse of Doctor Evil.

And if you don’t follow these rules, your writing will be plagued forever by laughless gags and pathetic innuendos, and you’ll never be taken seriously as a comic writer again — if you ever were.

Thanks for reading. Naturally, all of the above is a joke, and the Doctor Funny ‘family’ (Kristine Laco, Jennifer McDougall, and Adam) including Doctor Satan himself (Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier), are all fine upstanding fellows. I think.