How Talking Back Helps Me To Heal
Why I Don’t Just Ignore the Haters Out of Hand

An interview between my Rational Self and the part of Elle Beau who’s working to heal and grow:
RS: I’ve noticed that when people say things that you don’t agree with here on Medium, particularly antagonistic things, you tend to say something back rather than perhaps just walking away. Why is that?
EB: Well, yes I suppose that’s true. I don’t get into it with everyone who has a different opinion than I do, but I like to participate in discussions, and exchange ideas with people, and not all of them are going to be people who already think like I do. That’s a part of what makes life interesting.
RS: OK, I can see that, but it also seems that at times you are purposely walking into a hornet’s nest. Is that really a good idea? Isn’t the conventional wisdom that you shouldn’t engage with haters and trolls on the internet?
EB: Well, I’m hardly conventional, now am I? Plus, I do things that bring something into my life, that offer me something, even if it comes with some potential risks or downsides. I get that engaging with angry men (they are pretty much always men) on the internet has brought about unpleasant consequences for other women, and I’ve taken some steps to be mindful of that, but Medium isn’t Twitter, now is it? And I really don’t care for snark and disparagement, particularly when people are talking vulnerably about their personal perspectives or experiences.
RS: Well, that’s true. It’s probably a little bit safer here, but I’m curious, what does it offer you? Do you really think it makes any difference to stand up to someone who is being antagonistic or belligerent? Do you think you can get through to them somehow?
EB: Oh, no. I’m not that naive. I don’t think that my differing opinion or even my well crafted, logical points will make any ultimate difference to the vast majority of them.
RS: Why do you do it then? What’s it all for, if you don’t think you can change anyone’s mind or get them to be nicer?
EB: Well, I’m glad you asked that Rational Self. I do it for several reasons. I do it for me, as a way to help myself heal. I also do it to support the other people who are using their voice to speak up about things that are important to them and I do it to show the antogonists that you can’t make people shut up just by trying to aggressively drown them out.
RS: Very interesting Elle. Let’s look at each of these in turn. I’d like to hear more about each one. Let’s start with you. How exactly does this help you to heal?
EB: When I was a young girl, I grew up believing that women should, above all, be nice. They should strive to make other people (men in particular) comfortable, even at their own expense. They should smooth things over whenever they could and they shouldn’t make waves. If other people were unkind, I was supposed to just smile through it, and then walk away. If I felt like crying, I could do that at home, behind closed doors. Essentially, I was a doormat, and it’s taken me a lot of years and hard work to overcome that early programming. I still enjoy having other people walk away from an encounter with me feeling good, but I’m no longer willing to do that at my own expense. I’ve been a lot happier and lived a mentally healthier life since I’ve learned to stand up and say what I think needs to be said.
RS: And so how does this fit into this scenario -speaking your mind on Medium?
EB: Well, it means that I’m still continuing to build that muscle; the one that won’t let someone hurt me or disparage something I care about while I just smile weakly and then walk away. Standing up; talking back, it’s a way of reclaiming that long muted voice.
RS: Even if nobody is listening or changing?
EB: True! I don’t speak up for them; I speak up for me. Because I’m no longer afraid that speaking my mind will make me unlikeable, socially unacceptable or a bitch. If they do, then so be it! And even if nobody is changing, they are still listening. If the haters continue the conversation/debate, they are being exposed to ideas or perspectives that are different than the ones they currently hold. And in the case of things that are important to me, that’s important, even if their views never change, because I’m speaking my truth. I read an article a while back that articulated this all very well.
“Speaking your truth is an essential aspect of living a life of passion, fulfillment, and authenticity.
Be real, not right. This is huge when it comes to speaking our truth. When we focus on winning or being right, we no longer can access the deepest places within our heart, which is where our real truth comes from. When we let go of our attachment to the outcome of a conversation, what the other person thinks, and our erroneous obsession with always having to be right, we give ourselves the opportunity to get real. Being vulnerable and transparent are the key elements of speaking our truth, not dominating the conversation and the person (or people) we’re talking to.”
RS: So, you are willing to potentially have your mind changed, or to concede when someone else has made a good point? You aren’t just out there to “win?”
EB: Exactly! I believe in trying to find win-win scenarios as much as possible and I have a lot of compassion for the wounds that drive people to approach things the way that they do. I try to disagree with civility and to notice my own wounds and where they might be speaking through when I express something. I try to take that into account. But, I’m also done excusing poor behavior or ways of doing things that I think are destructive. And I don’t believe I know everything or that I’m always right, but I do believe that my positions are based in a lot of reading and research as well as personal experience. I feel very comfortable standing by my positions and explaining why I do so.
RS: I see. Tell me more about how you speak up to support other people’s voices.
EB: Well, that one’s easy. Having been on the receiving end of bullying and having experienced what it’s like to be told to essentially “sit down and shut up,” I don’t like to see that happening to other people. I feel like I want to support them if I can, and sometimes all it takes with a bully is another voice or two to say stop. And if that doesn’t work, at least the other person knows that they were not alone and that makes me feel like I’ve done something just through that. Silence can often be interpreted as approval. If no-one speaks up in the face of bad behavior, it may appear that no-one cares or that they endorse it. It may embolden the bully.
RS: So, it sounds like what your saying is that it’s not so much that you object to what other people are saying but more to the way that they are saying it?
EB: Yes, I think that’s very true. There is room in the world for a variety of perspectives and opinions, but when those aren’t being conveyed with respect, that’s when I tend to get a bit riled. That’s when I really feel the need to stand up and say something. I just don’t have a lot of tolerance any more for people who are trying to shout other people down or tell them that their pain or experience isn’t important. I try to be a good listener when others are sharing, but I just don’t have much patience any more with reflexive defensiveness or antagonism. Anybody who is being vulnerable or open or raw always gets my respect and attention.
RS: And so in conclusion, what have you noticed about yourself as you’ve been doing this?
EB: Well, mostly I’ve noticed that I don’t feel the need to do it quite as often now. I guess I’ve gotten a certain amount of that out of my system and that some of those old wounds about feeling muted aren’t as deep as they once were. More and more I walk away from contentious situations without saying a word and I barely hate read about Jordan Peterson at all any more.
RS: (Chuckling) So, does this mean that you are now done with interacting with internet haters and trolls?
EB: C’mon Rational Self, you know me better than that.





