How It Was Like To Be Raised By An Abusive Father

I don’t regret a thing, but the situation wasn’t easy.

I am the kind of person that grew up in a house near an abusive father. I know he always wanted what’s best for me, but he manifested his love in a possessive and toxic way.

Now I understand well that people have to make themselves loved and appreciated. It’s their problem if they don’t manage to achieve this. Being toxic does not help them at all.

I remember when I was little, and I felt terrorized by my father. It’s like he never knew how to love and appreciated me, but he tried to mimic a loving person's behavior.

When I was 14 years old and younger, I felt trapped. Lucky for me, his job involved a lot of traveling, and wasn’t around so much. I was happy when he wasn’t around.

Despite all this, I don’t blame him. The education he received made him be like this. He can be nice sometimes when he does not behave like a jerk.

Let me explain exactly how I felt in those days.

I Always Had to Do Things the Way He Liked

I always wanted to please him in order not to make him angry. I remember he was angry all the time, shouting at my mother and me.

When I had something to do, I had in mind two things:

• how to do that thing well
• how to do that thing in a manner that he would approve

This was a big burden, but I carried it on my shoulders. I constantly adapted my behavior to please him because I wanted to avoid scandals and shouting.

I Was Living in Fear All the Time

I remember he came home from his job one day and asked for me. I was playing with my toys in the other room. I was very young.

I went to the room so scared and stood as if I was a soldier in front of the general. He was happy and showed me the toys he bought me, but I did not know why he asked me.

I thought he was going to lecture me for some reason, and I was scared. I felt happy because I had received a toy, but the fact that he did not shout at me made me even happier.

I Had a Very Low Self-Esteem

Being always told that you are good for nothing hurts your moral bigtime. I cannot forget him telling me I would be a loser my entire life.

He did the same when I was bigger. I was 18 and about to move to a bigger city; I was starting University. He told me I was too soft for such a big city and that he would be amazed if I managed to live independently.

Three years later, I bought a flat with the money I earned from blogging, but he was still unhappy.

He kept saying that blogging is a joke, and I should find a regular job. But I was happy on my own.

He Made Me Think I Could Not Take Decisions on My Own

He always criticized my decisions.

When I was happy about something, he said that my achievement wasn’t a big deal.

When I failed at things, it was horror. Hearing that I am a worthless piece of sh*t over and over again made me feel weak.

I remembered I once asked for his advice but did the opposite. My decision was good, and I told him. He did not get angry with me at that time; he told me I should be glad that he made me strong. Also, he told me that he knew I would do the right thing.

Seriously? What would have told me if I did the things my way and failed? Luckily, I did not fail at that time.

He Made Me Think I Needed His Validation

He was so tough on me all the time. Mom had a big role in this situation also, but I cannot blame her.

She always wanted me to please him and provided me with all the needed methods. She was an expert at telling what he wanted to hear. I learned this from the best. I needed him to validate everything I did. This made him proud and saved me from his constant shouting.

While this skill is instrumental in life, I wish I did not have this type of childhood.

Why did I have to learn all these things the hard way?

I Felt Miserable, but I Had to Pretend That I Am Happy

I wasn’t happy, and I knew that. The only happy moments I had were when he wasn’t around. I liked going to school, playing outside with children and I hated staying home with him.

I remember it was my birthday, and a few colleagues of mine came around. We were shouting and laughing.

I couldn’t be happy in those nice moments. I knew that the next day he would be criticizing me. I was right. He did criticize me for the fact that my friends were noisy.

That was the last time I invited friends to my house when he was around.

I Couldn’t Say No to Him

No matter how much I did not want to do a thing, I couldn’t refuse. I knew what would happen if I said no.

He would complain a lot, tell me that I don’t care about him and that I am selfish. Whenever I did not want to do what he wanted me to do, I was selfish.

He constantly reminded my mother and me that he was bringing money on the table, and we should behave as slaves in front of him.

I Had to Validate His Crap All the Time

I always had to listen to him complaining. When he had an opinion, mom and I had to agree with it. Otherwise, he would get angry.

If I did not agree with something he said, he told me that I was a smart ass. It did not depend that we were talking about football; he had to be right all the time.

I was pretending to support his favorite football team only to be allowed to watch matches with him.

I am a grown-up now. All these things made me become the person I am today. I am very proud of myself now in a positive way. I have rock-solid self-esteem, and I feel I can achieve everything.

I am a winner, but he did not contribute to that. Luckily, I had the opportunity to leave home when I was 18, and I had the liberty to evolve and develop new skills independently.

The freedom and my stubbornness are the ones that helped me become the person I am today.