RELATIONSHIPS & SELF-LOVE

How Intentional Solitude Can Work To Heal Your Emotional Wounds

Even when you feel like a hot mess

Most of us are carrying around unhealed emotional wounds. We neglect to address them because it’s easier to stay busy in the short term. If we schedule solitude and reflection time, it’s on the bottom of our to-do list. Why would you want to look at your deep-seated issues? Most of us try to avoid that kind of work.

We live in a society encouraging us to get things done. We’re taught to accomplish goals with hard work. We’re using our devices to connect with others, and we’re rarely offline. Even back in 1998, author Esther Buchholz, in her article, “The Call of Solitude,” spoke to this fast-paced culture that doesn’t allow for much of a pause button.

We live in a society that worships independence yet deeply fears alienation: our era is sped-up and overconnected. — Esther Buchholz, Psychology Today

We intuitively know there’s a time and place for quiet reflection and doing nothing. But if our culture doesn’t support that, we have to find ways to remember.

For me, it’s usually a painful wake-up call kind of reminder. Lately, I’m hitting a series of bottoms, the emotional equivalent of my alcoholic crash years ago, but not as catastrophic. Some of us can heal our emotional wounds with therapy or by practicing different thought patterns and behaviors. I need high impact to be willing to change.

Perhaps those of us who identify as addicts and alcoholics are wired this way. I’m not sure if it’s because we’re already prone to high sensitivity, or we have a tendency to stubbornly refuse to grow until we’re pushed to the edge. It could be both.

What if you stopped for a minute, hour, or day to acknowledge yourself? You might notice you’re more vulnerable than you thought. Your sensitivities are sharper. You know what’s going on inside because you’re paying attention to your inner world. Your heart may hurt, and your spirit could be crushed. The swirling of emotions can often involve our relationships.

Being sensitive can be so uncomfortable. Who wouldn’t try to sidestep pain as often as possible? You might plan our day around finishing projects or buying groceries. Then one day, you can’t deny your need for a pause.

I had that kind of moment today. I wasn’t doing too much. But by focusing on activities, I was ignoring my feelings. So I decided to lay low and be alone for a bit.

On days without my kids, I have a choice to be social and get a bunch of errands done. I chose to drop the “doing” and opted to nurture my soul. When I made the intention, I burst into tears. I was on my way to Trader Joe’s, listening to some sappy song, when I felt everything. I dearly needed this attention, especially when I wanted it from another person.

Setting the intention to slow down and pay attention to how we feel can be scary when we’ve been running for a while. As in touch as I am with my emotions, I always find a way out with distractions of all kinds.

When we drop distractions, reality sets in. We see what’s behind the façade we show the rest of the world. Life gets messy. It’s also an opportunity to grow. When we get quiet, we find relief. We receive answers to confounding questions.

In her article, “7 Benefits of Solitude and Silence: Treat Your Body, Mind and Spirit!” in the Art of Living, Paige Leigh Reist describes silence as a river that washes away the mud.

Silence is also a gift of healing. It helps you work through trauma and disappointment. Things that need attention tend to rise up when you’re silent, sometimes things you didn’t even know were an issue, and silence gives you time to work through them and heal.

Think of silence like a river. Once the first layers of mud are cleared away, the stones underneath become uncovered and can be washed away as well. — Paige Leigh Reist, The Art of Living

I beckoned the river, inviting it to wash away my sadness and heal my childhood wounds. The mud has cleared. Now it’s time to move the stones so I can liberate myself.

I’m disappointed that I keep repeating unhealthy relationship patterns. I’m constantly attracting people who are ambivalent or avoidant. Throughout the day, I’ve tried to problem solve. But then I returned to let it be. I’ve been trying to orchestrate a change in my relationship status with a dear friend. I know it won’t work.

If you’ve ever tried too hard to make something happen, you probably notice how it’s less likely to manifest the way you want. You need to accept your situation as it is and not how you wish it could be. I’ve known this for months, but I’m stubborn and like to live with my head in the clouds.

I came down to earth around 11 am. Hours later, I still feel a little fragile, but I’m not itching to get my friend’s attention. That’s a start. I let myself cry whenever I felt it coming. A bike-riding dad almost crashed into me on the bike path and startled me. I realized later my biggest fear is not being in control.

We can’t control most things or people except ourselves. I don’t get to change his mind. It’s up to him if he wants to take a chance on us. I can also choose to speak up next time he says something suggestive. Why not tell him how I feel? I haven’t admitted I still entertain thoughts of being intimate with him because I’m trying to protect myself from hurt.

But we all know it hurts more when we try to push the pain away by ignoring our feelings. When we decide to face our fear head-on, it magically transforms into faith. I heard many times at recovery meetings a couple of acronyms for FEAR. The first is “Fuck Everything And Run.” The other is “Face Everything And Recover.” I chose the latter — I faced myself and recovered a little.

Being alone on purpose has a purpose. Slowing down brings clarity and peace. Silence helps dislodge emotions and opens us to self-awareness. Solitude has a subtle yet powerful effect on your intimate relationships.

If you give yourself and others enough time to experience solitude, you’ll see one benefit is deeper intimacy. For when we love ourselves by allowing deep wounds to heal, we can embrace love from others. That was what I was going for on today’s journey. The day’s not over yet, but I think I’ll be ok alone for a while longer.

Now excuse me while I queue up the melancholy love songs for a long, candlelit bath and imagine him here with me. I’m a work in progress. Aren’t we all?

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