When You’re Ready to Transform Your Relationships

It’s time to let go of the old and embrace new possibilities

Transformation isn’t sweet and bright. It’s a dark and murky, painful pushing. An unraveling of the untruths you’ve carried in your body. A practice in facing your own created demons. A complete uprooting, before becoming.~Victoria Erickson

Transformation can be a messy process.

A caterpillar doesn’t become a beautiful butterfly without deconstruction. They have to turn to mush before they metamorphose into butterflies.

We go through a similar process. We have to shed the old before we become new, improved versions of ourselves. We may change as much as a caterpillar, completely unrecognizable after transforming.

Lately, I’ve noticed exponential emotional growth in myself and others. Our world is changing at a rapid pace, and it’s time we continue the trend. Staying the same creates stagnation. We all need to adjust and acclimate to inner and outer changes.

Old habits are hard to break.

But when you’re defeated and broken, anything’s possible. Relationships can be tricky, even in the healthiest of circumstances. We can get stuck in an old pattern that’s never worked, wondering how we can change. Sometimes we stay with unhealthy people. Other times we don’t maintain a partnership for long, or we have trouble starting one.

Why am I not attracting the right person? What’s wrong with my approach? We ask ourselves. I’ve had to take a hard look at why I continue to practice behavior that doesn’t serve me. I woke up this morning with a broken yet hopeful heart. My awareness sharpened. I knew it was finally time to grow out of my old habits and move on.

I guess I have a thing about exes.

Ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, ex-lovers, ex-friends feel like they still hold some potential. Sometimes it’s worth a try to revisit past relationships. But it’s often my wishful thinking, insecurities, and loneliness that drive my passion to make the old into something new. I wish I were wrong about my self-assessment. But those are likely motivations.

I want a do-over. But it’s not always possible. As both people grow and change over time, there’s only a small possibility to recreate a healthy relationship from our past experiences together.

When two people align, you’re clear on expectations and shared dreams.

Both of you feel joyous and hopeful for a bright future. You’re honest and transparent about your needs and desires. Sometimes your energies match, but one of you isn’t available for one reason or another. It’s heartbreaking and confusing.

I’m apparently in this situation right now. I didn’t want to see it might be time for me to let go. It speaks to worn out patterns of behavior on my part. I’m playing out scenarios that didn’t work then and don’t work now. I’m pining, yearning, hoping for a connection that might’ve been lost or broken along the way.

If I’m wrong, I’ll be delighted. But there’s a strong chance I’m right. This person went from being excited and attentive to nearly absent. We haven’t seen each other in 30 years and got reacquainted by talking long-distance by phone. It’s harder to read someone without eye contact and body language, but his actions show enough disinterest. I’m left to guess why he’s not returning texts and breaking phone dates. He recently told me he’s overwhelmed with some life issues. He has plenty of reasons to be unavailable.

Let me clarify. I’m not naïve. No one is that busy. I understand and relate to being overwhelmed. I’m a single parent of two small children. Enough said, right? As busy as I’ve been doing life, I’ve made time to connect with him.

I decided to detach from my desired outcome. We live over a thousand miles away. He smokes pot. I’m clean and sober. Our lifestyles don’t coincide. I’ve been trying to accept it. I acknowledge neither work for me. I’m sure he cares for me. But he’s currently unavailable. We don’t carry baggage from our past, but I’m not willing to create any.

What’s next?

I can decide to continue unhealthy attachments and be unhappy. Or, I can acknowledge my need to detach. I can focus on myself for a while. I know how to do this. But I got lost in codependency again.

Relying on someone else to make us happy won’t work. We’ll always end up disappointed. Neediness isn’t attractive, either. We want to be with someone who can confidently stand alone. I respect people who take care of their own needs. I want to be this person once again.

I acknowledge it’s ok to care about someone. There’s nothing wrong with showing this guy how much he lights up my life. I can be gentle with myself. I’ll celebrate my oversized, open heart. I’ll share my love freely, without expectation of return.

I have to be honest with people. I haven’t told him anything, and it would help us both if I were to say how I feel. Some of us are afraid of confrontation, then don’t get what we want from our relationships. If I want clarity on where he sees our future, I’ll need to ask.

Final thoughts

When we address our old wounds, we’ll find wellness in our relationships. I’m healing past trauma unrelated to this beautiful person. As painful as it’s been, I appreciate the opportunity to bring old issues into the light. I’m ready to transform old things into new, in the healthiest way possible. I might even find our relationship will flourish as a result.

As we approach a new year, I encourage you to engage in spiritual exfoliation. Be brave enough to brush off your old ideas and behavior, in exchange for fresh and new ways of being. We don’t need New Year’s resolutions to change our habits. Just make a conscious decision to begin anew every day.

It may seem painful to deconstruct our familiar ways. But we’ll be given a breathtaking display of our ideal selves. Like the process of becoming a butterfly, nature transforms us.

Let’s stay in touch. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, or my personal blog at gratefulx365.wordpress.com. Submit your amazing stories and follow my Medium publication, Gratefully Yours. Email me at [email protected]. Thanks for reading.