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Abstract

rgot to say that before doing anything else (except peeing), I logged five miles on the stationary bike, followed by twenty pushups and then, thirty tricep dips.</p><p id="037f">Yet I’m still feeling fat. Even though I’ve barely eaten in three days.</p><p id="d73f">Huh.</p><p id="7f73">After finishing my coffee, I carefully brushed my teeth with a brand that promises “healthy gums!” and then rinsed with a mixture of saltwater and baking soda.</p><p id="7d18">Finally, and here comes the good part: I rubbed a special unguent that I ordered from Amazon over my tender teefus and gums. The primary ingredients are neem oil and coconut oil.</p><p id="6b24">I gotta tell ya, this shit…uh…crap…uh…stuff, works! Right now, I’m not in too much pain so I will continue this throughout the day and report back as I’m sure you’ll want to hear how it’s going.</p><p id="e82e">In a few minutes, I’m going to change out of my schlepper attire so that I can go out in public and buy food for our kitties. I might pick up some more ibuprofen after as I’m supposed to be taking that and acetaminophen every six hours for this fucking…uh…terrible…pain.</p><p id="8fa4">I’ll be back in two shakes of a…how does that go, again? Anyway, don’t go away!</p><p id="4664">Wait. Before I bounce, did I tell you how much fun I’m having blocking people? Yes!! It’s so much easier than trading barbs with people who then tattle on me to you-know-who. <i>Way better.</i></p><p id="c610">So, I’m back from the store! Although I wasn’t able to stock up on cat food the way I normally do as they were out of so much, thanks to the supply chain shit…uh…crap…uh…stuff.</p><p id="0ed0">How aggravating!</p><p id="fcaa">Speaking of, I tried to gas up my Fiat on my way home but the two stations near my house were full! When I pulled into one of them to get at a freed pump, some guy with a trailer truck cut me off and took the pump!</p><p id="2d5a">What an assho…uh…jerk.</p><p id="64b3">I think it’s time to rub some more of that neem oil on my tooth as the pain is launching for a full-on attack.</p><p id="37db">Hopefully, I’ll think of more totally boring and unthreatening stories to share with you, soon while all the cash cows spew whatever junk they feel like, whenever they feel like.</p><p id="67f4">But hey, that’s life!</p><p id="0cbb">While I’m writhing in pain and racking my brain, I hope y’all have a wonderful rest of your day, okay?</p><p id="1a99">Cool!</p><p id="69f2">If you can handle it, read every one of my stories and those of other fab Medium writers. I’ll get a couple of shekels and you’ll have full access to this whole joint! <a href="https://sherrymcguinn.medium.com/membership">https://sherrymcguinn.medium.com/membership</a></p><figure id="ca2e"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*hyBKJ0xTEhXoA8d6.jpeg"><figcaption></figcaption></figure><p id="1fa5"><i>Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. She is currently pitching her newest screenplay, “The Month We Fell Apart,” a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story, as well as “DEAD TIRED,” a

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female-driven, ass-kicking thriller.</i></p><figure id="c222"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*GXBGn53RD98QZoTY"><figcaption></figcaption></figure><p id="a418">Thanks for reading, guys. If you enjoyed this, I’d love for you to check out the following, as well as my newsletter, <a href="https://sherryraw.substack.com/">Sherry Raw.</a></p><div id="27a1" class="link-block"> <a href="https://sherrymcguinn.medium.com/scraps-fa66f6160c14"> <div> <div> <h2>Scraps</h2> <div><h3>Strange, what remains</h3></div> <div><p>sherrymcguinn.medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*vffci5yZJTds2zxk4x5hiw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="5f3c" class="link-block"> <a href="https://sherrymcguinn.medium.com/dirty-138fd3c207e0"> <div> <div> <h2>Dirty</h2> <div><h3>One taste is never enough</h3></div> <div><p>sherrymcguinn.medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*x_SyjcQpAbWZPvAC7W93WQ.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="d9a2" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/medium-hacks-39865173c1bd"> <div> <div> <h2>Medium Hacks</h2> <div><h3>Climb aboard, and get yours</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*UMfgBW7FdYeFjWOm2IGBPA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="cd20" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/pneumococca-whatta-22280bcd1b7c"> <div> <div> <h2>“Pneumococca Whatta?”</h2> <div><h3>As if we didn’t have enough crap to worry about</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*Gzv4piw_dWCHFgl1FuWV9Q.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="8eb3" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/dont-pay-to-pitch-your-work-88d9b77e3ad2"> <div> <div> <h2>Don’t Pay to Pitch Your Work</h2> <div><h3>When shelling out feels like selling out</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*0fU1hMx63oGvAa0D3WYNEw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

SHERRY LITE/ROGUES’ GALLERY

How Innocuous Should I Be?

On watching my Ps & Qs

Note: Because I can’t talk about what I’d really like to talk about (as it gets me in deep doo-doo), I’ll just ply you with the following pap.

First, I feel fat today. Just sayin.’

Woke up in the wee hours from this killer toothache and boy oh boy did it hurt! I rinsed with salt water, applied clove oil which burned like a son of a bitch (can I say that?), and then made some peppermint tea. After drinking the tea, I shoved the teabags into my mouth and packed them over the offending area.

Oh, I also took a second Seroquel and then settled on the loveseat in our family room with my kindle and two of our three cats. I’m reading a Tana French novel. I love this writer! If you’re not familiar, check her out, peeps.

I thought about watching some TV but couldn’t really concentrate. All this stuff was swirling around in my brain. Do you want to know what kind of stuff?

Sure, you do!

“Will I be toothless? If so, will that affect my devastating effect on the opposite sex? Who’s the cowardly turd that hacked my Facebook account? Who’s the cowardly turd, or turds, that reported me to ‘your friends’ for hurting their feelings?”

Fuck ’em. (Uh oh. I’m pretty sure I can’t say that.) Skip over this line, folks as I’m not in a mood to delete. I’ve already done enough of that.

Because of all those deep thoughts rattling around in my brain, it took me a long time to fall asleep, but finally, the drug kicked in and I headed back to bed.

I awoke at about 9:15 and took a pee. Or, left one. Whatever.

When I looked in the bathroom mirror whilst washing my hands (cleanliness first!), I was horrified to see that the left side of my face was once again, swollen.

Oy vey.

Time for coffee. Yaaaaay!

I put a lot of shit…uh…crap…uh…stuff in my morning java. Do you want to know what that stuff is?

Sure, you do!

Well, I add almond creamer and almond milk to my cup before the coffee. I nuke that for sixty seconds and then I add a generous sprinkle of cinnamon and also, a bit of cayenne pepper. Yes! I’m not making this up!

Then, I tear open a packet of Stevia or monk fruit sweetener and dump that in. Finally, I add collagen powder if I have it, or a packet of unsweetened gelatin.

After I add all that shit…uh…crap…uh…stuff, I take out my trusty, battery-operated beverage frother and froth that mixture within an inch of its life. And then, I pour my coffee over all that lovely froth, after which, I repair to the love seat to enjoy my concoction and check my phone for any more missives from “your friends.”

Oh, I forgot to say that before doing anything else (except peeing), I logged five miles on the stationary bike, followed by twenty pushups and then, thirty tricep dips.

Yet I’m still feeling fat. Even though I’ve barely eaten in three days.

Huh.

After finishing my coffee, I carefully brushed my teeth with a brand that promises “healthy gums!” and then rinsed with a mixture of saltwater and baking soda.

Finally, and here comes the good part: I rubbed a special unguent that I ordered from Amazon over my tender teefus and gums. The primary ingredients are neem oil and coconut oil.

I gotta tell ya, this shit…uh…crap…uh…stuff, works! Right now, I’m not in too much pain so I will continue this throughout the day and report back as I’m sure you’ll want to hear how it’s going.

In a few minutes, I’m going to change out of my schlepper attire so that I can go out in public and buy food for our kitties. I might pick up some more ibuprofen after as I’m supposed to be taking that and acetaminophen every six hours for this fucking…uh…terrible…pain.

I’ll be back in two shakes of a…how does that go, again? Anyway, don’t go away!

Wait. Before I bounce, did I tell you how much fun I’m having blocking people? Yes!! It’s so much easier than trading barbs with people who then tattle on me to you-know-who. Way better.

So, I’m back from the store! Although I wasn’t able to stock up on cat food the way I normally do as they were out of so much, thanks to the supply chain shit…uh…crap…uh…stuff.

How aggravating!

Speaking of, I tried to gas up my Fiat on my way home but the two stations near my house were full! When I pulled into one of them to get at a freed pump, some guy with a trailer truck cut me off and took the pump!

What an assho…uh…jerk.

I think it’s time to rub some more of that neem oil on my tooth as the pain is launching for a full-on attack.

Hopefully, I’ll think of more totally boring and unthreatening stories to share with you, soon while all the cash cows spew whatever junk they feel like, whenever they feel like.

But hey, that’s life!

While I’m writhing in pain and racking my brain, I hope y’all have a wonderful rest of your day, okay?

Cool!

If you can handle it, read every one of my stories and those of other fab Medium writers. I’ll get a couple of shekels and you’ll have full access to this whole joint! https://sherrymcguinn.medium.com/membership

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. She is currently pitching her newest screenplay, “The Month We Fell Apart,” a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story, as well as “DEAD TIRED,” a female-driven, ass-kicking thriller.

Thanks for reading, guys. If you enjoyed this, I’d love for you to check out the following, as well as my newsletter, Sherry Raw.