Medium Hacks

Climb aboard, and get yours

I’ve got something important to tell you, folks. You’re going to get the truth. You’re going to find out what the successful here won’t disclose, but rather, skirt around. And, I’m sharing this info right here in my pub, Rogues’ Gallery, where, as you know, we pull no punches because…what’s the point?

As I’m in a giving and also, introspective mood, I thought I’d let the uninitiated among you know that you don’t have to be a great writer to attain the success on this platform that so many scribes have enjoyed for so long. Far from it. In fact, “writing” could be your hobby, much like trout-fishing or home-flipping. What I’m saying is, it doesn’t have to be a thing.

If you want to make big bucks on Medium, I’m talkin’ bank bucks, then you’d better throw everything out the window that you’ve ever learned about “being a writer” and make it easy on yourself. There’s no need to agonize over whether or not you have “talent.” Who gives a damn? From what I’ve gleaned, many of the people who will eyeball your stories sure don’t.

Here’s the “secret” and it’s so simple, you’ll have a hard time believing it, but do, or risk blowing a couple of years or so, pissing into the wind.

Please know in advance that I neither want your thanks nor derision because it is what it is. With that said, if you want to throw a few bucks my way after you cash in, go for it.

Here you go. The “secret” to being a big deal on Medium:

Be a hack.

Be the best friggin’ hack you can be and readers will flock to you like maggots on roadkill. You’ll be inundated with views and claps and fans and yes, cash. Because only the best shit is elevated, here.

Nah. That’s a lie. All manner of shit is elevated here, as long as it’s just that. Poop. After more than two years in the trenches, I feel imminently qualified to share my observations.

“This is nothing more than sour grapes from a bitter broad,” you might think. And you’d be partially right. Hell, yeah, I’m bitter. I’ve worked hard here, mighty hard and the biggest payout in my bank account was $118. And there are luminous writers here who haven’t made even that much.

But my bitterness is tempered by the fact that I love the friends I’ve made on Medium. LOVE THEM. Their unfailing support, encouragement, and strength of character keep me toiling away on this platform because I would miss them terribly. And that is the peace I have made with myself and my work on Medium.

And get this. Bitter or not, I’m not going to lie to you. What I’m about to share is the unadulterated truth as to who rises to the top on this platform. Or rather, how. And you are in the happy position of having the opportunity to emulate their every move. Or “movement,” I should say, as in BM. As in “Dump your crap here, folks.”

Right about now you might be wondering, “So how do I become a hack?” Read on.

First, you will discover that many readers don’t want to think too hard about, well, anything. They want a quick fix with their morning dump, a sound byte, a nugget that they can gobble up and quickly forget. A bit of celebrity gossip, perhaps or a “Medium paid for my Alfa Romeo” brag piece. That kind of twaddle.

And there’s nothing wrong with that, up to a point, as we all need an escape from time to time, especially now. But understand that these are the type of stories that bring in serious cash.

How do I know? Because I don’t write them and I make squat. But as previously stated, I’ve made peace with this, for now anyway, thanks to a lovely friend here who reminded me that I need to refocus and go after the bigger fish. Finish my script. Start submitting to bigger publications.

(Thank you, Gayle Kurtzer-Meyers.)

Next, do not shy away from click-bait. It is your friend and savior. Nothing is out of bounds. No matter how overtly pandering. And be sure to employ numbers in your story titles. “6 Reasons Poor People Will Stay Poor.” “2 Mistakes I Made During a 3-Way.” Crap like that. Readers will eat it up and your bottom line will skyrocket.

Brag like a mofo. If you do start to rake in the dough, let people know. After all, we don’t feel sufficiently terrible these days so ramp up the misery. Completely disregard the unfortunate fact that thousands and thousands of our fellow men and women have to wait in line for food. In fact, fuck ‘em.

Write about sex and make it graphic. Now, I love to read about sex and I enjoy writing about it but apparently, I don’t deliver the goods as my “sex stories” never get the attention that some of the other writers are able to generate. Don’t let that stop you as I know you can handle it. Pretend your Anais Nin. Make your readers feel that wet spot. The wetter, the better.

If English is not your first language, don’t bother running your stories through an app like Grammarly. I mean, there’s a free version but why bother as the editors here will publish stories that a precocious third-grader would crap on? And please, don’t get on me for this because as an editor of three of my own pubs, I don’t think it’s too much to ask to make a story intelligible.

But that’s just me. Medium doesn’t care!

Forget about grammar, spelling, syntax, and anything that hints of acumen. Crap it out and let it go. The trout are biting.

Never write a story that is critical of Medium, or the most you’ll make in a month will be $118. And you will rarely if ever, be curated — whatever the hell that is — or featured or distributed in “topics” or any of that sweet stuff. Instead, you’ll be shouting into the abyss wondering where your dreams wandered off to.

Refer to yourself as a “content creator.” For some reason, that moniker has more heft to it than “writer.” The latter just sounds like a schlub in sweatpants throwing words down in a basement somewhere in between pulls off a bottle of Jack.

Shoot for quantity, not quality. I’ve read this many times in the hack stories I’ve bothered to skim. Who cares if you have a life? You’ll have a better one if you crank out at least three articles a day. The laundry can wait. The kids can wait. Your needy spouse can wait. It’s all about you and never forget that.

Plagairize. Yes!! This is a big one. Find crap online that you can copy and paste into your “stories.” After all, who cares? I just skimmed a story so terrible that my eyes rolled back in my head. One of the commentators said that he ran it through Grammarly and at least eleven percent was stolen from another article.

But again, who cares? I do, but you’re not gonna submit to me because I’d reject your ass in a heartbeat. Stick with the bigger picture. Medium.

How do you feel? Like you’re ready to take on this platform and get what you want and deserve? (I stole that last bit from a Medicare commercial, by the way.)

Sure you’re ready. So get the benefits you want and deserve. Hack your way to Medium success.

Good luck. (I don’t really mean that.)

© Sherry McGuinn, 2020. All Rights Reserved.

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

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