How I Turned My Insecurities Into Strengths
No one should ever question their own self-worth.
When I was in high school, most of my friends had boyfriends except me. If I’m being honest, I desperately wanted one myself, but I thought “who would want to date a skinny girl?”.
My friends nicknamed me “Kito” (as in mosquito). That was how skinny and small I was as a teenager. That sort of teasing made me insecure and helped me feel unattractive around boys.
Back then of course I wasn’t looking for a forever kind of love, I just wanted someone to hold my hand, show me around, give me his jacket when I was cold. That sort of thing. I wanted someone to show off — to make me feel like I belong in the group of popular girls. Deep inside, I thought that having a boyfriend would make my life so much better and I’d be happier because he would probably see something precious in me.
I knew the adage “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” but this did not alleviate my condition. “What beauty would a man ever see in me?” I asked myself. I didn’t like my body. At an age when most people are exploring their sexuality, I didn’t even touch myself. The thought that no man would ever touch me either was so disheartening. I really thought I was going to die alone.
If a boy was interested in me, I’d discover that this was for an ulterior motive, either so I could do his homework, or run errands for him, or do something really stupid for him.
After I graduated from high school, I took up a small job at a café downtown. When I received my first pay packet, I immediately ordered breast enlargement and weight gain supplements. I was obsessed with transforming my body at any cost. Unfortunately, the pills didn’t work and the subsequent ones after that didn’t make a difference either.
At some point, I gave up on enhancement pills. I wanted to go for a surgical procedure instead, but knew that it would cost thousands of dollars I could not afford. So I did what I could at that time — gradually, I accepted my body for what it is. And I stopped looking for a boyfriend.
Little by little, I started to buy clothes in which I felt really good. I started doing careful makeup application because I liked wearing it. I began to wear heels. To be honest, I don’t even know when, where, or how. But as time went by, I began to grow in confidence.
For me, self-love didn’t happen overnight. It grew slowly, from day to day. It increased a little bit every time I took a small step to feel good. Self-love happened when I made a decision to find love within myself, even though that was difficult to achieve.
I started to love myself enough that people loved me for who I was. I started to take care of my health, both physically and mentally. I have learned to be happy. And then good things started to happen. When you stop believing that your beauty is what others make of you, then you have reached a certain level of freedom. You will no longer be bound by insecurity, envy, or jealousy.
Beauty is more than just physical appearance
Our ideas of beauty have been deeply ingrained in our minds. We see beauty as something that is adored or admired by everyone. And anyone who doesn’t meet these criteria is deemed ugly. We can be insensitive and judge others without considering how they feel about our judgment.
But there is so much more to a person than just their physical appearance. A lot of beauty comes from the inside. If you believe you’re a good person, you won’t need someone else to tell you otherwise. That’s why it is necessary for you to find your inner beauty- accepting yourself for who you are and loving yourself as you are.
Confront your insecurity
I have a colleague who always dated women his friends approved of. He believed he could only date women from the same ethnicity as him. He went out with girls he wasn’t physically attracted to just because they fit the bill. Whenever he felt attracted to a girl his friends wouldn’t approve of, they would mock the girl and tease my colleague for being shallow.
This went on for years until we started working together. My colleague struggled to build a connection in his relationships because he was dating women he wasn’t attracted to. This in turn impacted his mental health. In the end, the relationships would end and he’d be alone. But now he’s in his first relationship where he didn’t consider his friends’ approval first and at last, he truly feels happy.
Criticizing the women my colleague found attractive was his friends’ way of hiding their own sense of inferiority. They didn’t want to think about how they were not doing enough to make themselves more attractive to more people. Instead, they found it easier to tear my colleague down rather than look at their own values.
Of course, most people wouldn’t admit that their harsh judgments stem from their own insecurity. They’d just shame people for their desires and become resentful about all the things they are not, attacking others for their choices. Admitting this kind of behavior to yourself will make a great difference in improving your self-confidence if you’re guilty of behaving like my colleague’s friends.
Stay away from people who make you feel unwanted
The worst thing about people who make you feel unwanted is the way they motivate you to feel unworthy of their attention. There is a popular belief that beauty is everything. It’s true that appearance is probably a crucial early step in selecting a romantic partner, but it shouldn’t be the only factor. A strong and healthy relationship isn’t all about how a person looks; their behavior should also be considered.
No one should ever question their own worth. If you feel unwanted and know you are unwanted then you can choose to stay and be miserable, or you can choose to move away from the circle of friends that inspire those feelings in you and live a more happy life without their input
The struggle of feeling unwanted is overwhelming and can be downright depressing. It’s hard when all you really want is to be wanted or loved. But you have no control over how people feel about you. You have no control over how they choose to give you affection, how they choose to communicate with you, and how they choose to interact with you.
All you can be responsible for is how you interact with them and how you respond to them. If you are unwanted by people you are spending time with, put yourself first and find your own worth by moving on.
Be yourself and be happy as you are
Acceptance is how you find your own fulfillment. I have had to accept that beauty is subjective and not always a choice. Therefore someone’s physical preferences are not necessarily shallow. Some men won’t be attracted to me as I’m a skinny girl, but plenty will be.
Most importantly, I’ve had to accept that if someone chooses another girl over me that doesn’t make me less of a person. It’s a reflection of someone else’s preferences, not my own self-worth. It’s not my job to convince those who find me unattractive to want me. Or to show them how wrong they are. Or wallow in self-pity and play the victim.
What I am in control of, what I can do, is to find people with whom I have a mutual attraction. And be happy that others are doing the same.
I can assure you that you too will find someone who will fall in love with you because of who you are, because of your crazy jokes and crazy ambitions, or because you are smart. And when you find someone who feels that way about you, you will know. Because you won’t have to pretend. You will be who you want to be and he will love you for it. And I say this from my own experience.
