How I Realized My Twin Flame Is Not Just A Narcissist

He reached out to me to apologize after 1,5 years of separation

If you have followed me on Medium, you know that a lot of my thoughts and writings revolve around my twin flame. Meeting him changed my life. He propelled me into a spiritual awakening and I finally had the chance to really get to know myself.

He was the ultimate mirror to my shadows, which I know now are control and fear of rejection. I had an avoidant attachment style, and he showed me exactly why. I subconsciously chose unavailable men to not have to commit to anybody, which was ultimately a fear of rejection. If they were unavailable, I didn’t have to expect a relationship from them either, making me curb the rejection I was about to get.

It was a weird way of finding comfort in knowing I was going to be rejected before even committing. It was a safety net I had built for myself. All because as a kid, I learned that love should feel unsafe. Because that was how my narcissistic father loved me.

If you have an anxious attachment style, this theory probably also works for you. You cling onto unavailable people in relationships, because you are afraid to be abandoned. You are so afraid of being abandoned, that despite knowing somebody is not healthy for you, you still hold on.

Avoidant and anxious attachment styles are two sides of the same coin.

My Twin Flame is a narcissist

Of course the Universe made me meet a twin flame who had to be narcissistic. There would be no other way to learn my lessons. The only way to get to the core of knowing myself was being with a similar person as the one who had shaped me. A twin flame comes into your life to heal your core traumas, so if that is narcissism, your twin flame will mirror that back to you.

I first thought it was an evil mind game. Why did the Universe give me a narcissistic twin flame, if that was exactly what I had endured as a little girl? What kind of sick twisted move is that? Like I didn’t already have enough hurt and pain to go through as a child, now I was facing the exact same issues as an adult with the man I loved the most!

It is the classic empath vs. narcissist story. You are a pleaser and an ‘empath’ (at least that is what you think you are) so you attract a narcissist. But you only attracted them to give you an insight into who you really are. As long as you don’t learn that pleasing others is not going to do you any good, you will keep attracting them.

This gets more and more intense because you are not learning your lessons. A people pleaser doesn’t really love themselves — that is why they please (which is different from being compassionate and empathetic). So the ultimate form of love — twin flame love — is most likely the only thing that is really going to change you. This is why the Universe gives you a twin flame in the form of your biggest shadow.

First mission accomplished: this person is going to turn your world upside down.

Are you ready for the lessons?

But a twin flame wouldn’t be a twin flame if not both people are learning their lessons. The narcissist in this story is also given a twin flame to face their core traumas. A narcissist has been deeply damaged as a kid — only a twin flame would be able to wake them up.

I am a firm believer that people can change if they are willing to. Even narcissists. In fact, I used to be quite narcissistic and I changed.

I never believed all the theories about narcissism out there that they will never heal. There was just something in my inner being that told me everything is possible. Meeting a twin flame only confirms that.

Narcissism is a very complicated disorder. And I do think it takes a whole lot of effort to change real narcissism. But if you really want to, you can. And so can your narcissistic twin flame.

If you struggle to find out whether your partner is a narcissist or a twin flame, I suggest you to read this article:

If your narcissist is not your twin flame, there is not much else to do than let them go on their own way. If they are lucky, they might meet their actual twin flame at some point and can finally change their toxic behavior. You as a victim from narcissistic abuse have to get away from this dynamic and protect yourself.

Can a narcissistic twin flame heal?

My theory got confirmed when my twin flame showed up on my doorstep last month. After we broke up, we never had the chance to really talk about it. We were both too hurt to face each other.

I was devastated the moment I found out he was a narcissist and I had to protect myself. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life to let him go. But I knew I had to. I had to because we needed to heal ourselves. Both of us needed to heal.

So when I saw his name on my phone screen after 1,5 years of silence asking me to meet with him, my heart dropped. I had read that narcissists will always come back when they are out of new supply. Was this what was happening now?

Or was this the famous ‘reunion’ that the twin flame community talks about?

I had to find out for myself, so I agreed with meeting him. When he showed up on my doorstep, I immediately knew that twin flames are real. Looking into each other’s eyes made us both tear up. I saw that he remembered our love and the extremely painful separation stage that followed after. His eyes told me so.

We both went through the same stages. The same pain that twin flames feel when being separated. The same lessons we had to learn. We both realized that this love is unlike anything we will ever experience again.

The first thing he said to me was that he wanted to apologize for his behavior. For putting me through the pain and insecurity of his marriage and his demons coming with that. He apologized for ghosting me and being manipulative. He thanked me for being the ultimate catalyst to his growth. He said he would be forever grateful because thanks to me he could finally love himself.

It was like we were in a dream. For millions of times I had fantasized about this moment, and now he was sitting here right in front of me. Saying all the things that I hoped he would say.

Are twin flames meant to stay together?

All the emotions came rushing back. I immediately felt the intense magnetic attraction again. My whole body reacted to the immense pull towards him. I understood why I couldn’t connect with other men; this is what I wanted. And he felt it too.

It turned out that we went through a very similar healing process. He also found out that his inner child was hurt and was the root of his behavior. He had taken an active approach to get to the core of himself by going to healing ceremonies and taking plant medicine. Exactly what I had done as well.

There it was. I just knew narcissists could change.

But the fear was still too real. The fear of getting hurt again. The fear of the other one not choosing you. The fear of getting our hearts broken again. The fear of not being able to trust the other one.

We were still not ready to be reunited.

I say we, because he felt it too. All we want is to feel safe in each other’s arms, but still we couldn’t do it. We both realized it at the same time: we were going to hurt each other more.

So he got up, gave me a hug and told me he loves me unconditionally. I knew he spoke the truth, because I felt it too. I would forever love him unconditionally, despite him walking away from me now.

The goodbye

We both knew we had more healing to do. When he said goodbye and drove away, I realized I had been right about my theory about narcissism.

He was really my narcissistic twin flame, and he was really healing himself.

I know he was not just a narcissist because then he wouldn’t have driven away. A non-healing narcissist would have taken the opportunity of me being vulnerable again, accepting him into my house. A non-healing narcissist would have opened his trick drawer to pull me in again. A non-healing narcissist would have tried to seduce me again and get into my bed.

But he is my twin flame so he didn’t do any of that. He was also still too hurt to be with me. Like I was still too hurt to trust him again. We broke each other's hearts, and it takes a lot of time to heal that.

The Universe only reunites twin flames if they are both ready. And neither of us is ready yet. Our brief encounter confirmed that our love was real and still existed, but our core traumas run deep and need more healing.

And this is exactly why a twin flame runner keeps running. They are protecting you, because they are protecting themselves. You are them, so ultimately the runner is also the chaser and the chaser is the runner too.

I know now that I am still afraid of commitment. I am still afraid to get hurt. I still don’t trust him fully. And he knows that he would hurt me again with his unresolved childhood issues. Narcissism is a disorder that you don’t just heal from like that.

Reuniting with each other now would still not end well. Twin flames are different than any other type of love, because it is not based on external validation. Twin flame love lasts forever, because it makes you love yourself.

A reunion is simply not possible if you are trying to find wholeness in your twin. You have to be whole within yourself first before you can come back together.

We both realized that we had more lessons to learn and had to walk away again. This time though it felt much lighter. I surrendered completely to the flow of the Universe, not trying to force anything that was not meant to be yet.

My twin flame relationship taught me to trust in my intuition, and my intuition is still telling me now that we should not be together (yet). And maybe it is never meant to be, but at least I found the way back to myself.

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